DR Chapter 3 - Know What You Want

[sparkie]

3. Be more open an honest with each other.

How open and honest with her have you been in the past?

Early on in our M, I would say that I was somewhat open an honest with my W. I shared my feelings with her but validation from my W was not there most of the time. She would just make light of the situation or tell me to "get over it". As time marched on, I became uncomfortable in sharing my feelings with my W. It seemed as though my feelings meant nothing to her, and I didn't want to experience the hurt this caused me to feel.

During the first month of our separation, I went all out and shared every feeling I had going. I think this overwhelmed my W as it seemed to be falling on deaf ears.

When she has been open and honest with you, how have you reacted?

My W has seldom been open and honest with me. She's not the type of person who is able to process her feelings very well. She admits she goes through life stuffing her feelings and emotions. The few times she has opened up to me, I'll have to admit that my validation to her was usually followed by my words of defense.

Have either of you shut the other off when expressing honest thoughts and feelings? If so, how?

We have both shut ourselves off from each other from time to time. The "silent treatment" would be in full swing, and you could just feel the tension mounting. We both despise the silent treatment, but it was the only way we could react without blowing up at one another. Neither my W nor I are suited for proper confrontations, so a lot of openness and honesty went out the window.

What could you do to change that?

I feel in order for our M to work in the future, my W and I will have to posess that "trusting love". We both must be able to feel comfortable with sharing our feelings and thoughts with each other. No making judgements, no mind reading, just pure and honest communication. We need to ask questions of each other rather than create false perceptions through our trying to read each others mind. We both need to find the confidence in ourselves and in each other that we are free to express ourselves in what we are feeling. We both must feel that we will be accepted and loved by each other for who we are. We must employ proper validation methods to help keep the openness and honesty flowing.