First and foremost is hoping my W will come back and allow us to have a marriage to change/improve.
2. Create a trusting love for each other. 3. Be more open an honest with each other. 4. Make more quality time to enjoy each others company. 5. Have a better understanding of each others needs and expectations.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
First and foremost is hoping my W will come back and allow us to have a marriage to change/improve.
Amen!! I think that this is a common goal for about 99.9% of the people here! I'm glad to see that you broke it down a bit farther!
2. Create a trusting love for each other.
What does a "trusting love" mean to you? What would that involve in your mind? What do you think it means for her? When you had a trusting love for each other in the past, what was it like?
3. Be more open an honest with each other.
How open and honest with her have you been in the past? When she has been open and honest with you, how have you reacted? Have either of you shut the other off when expressing honest thoughts and feelings? If so, how? What could you do to change that?
4. Make more quality time to enjoy each others company.
Define quality time. What will you be doing? What will she be doing? What will you both be doing together?
5. Have a better understanding of each others needs and expectations.
What are your needs and expectations? What do you think hers might be? What times in your life together do you think that you have both have been meeting each other's needs? What were you both doing at these times? What were YOU doing that you think might have made her feel like you understood her needs, and made her more open to understanding your needs?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks jj, I knew this was coming next I'll have to wait until I have more time to give my answers proper consideration. I'll check back after the holiday.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
In a word JJ.....Yes But that's ok here, we have enough unpredictability in our sitch's to keep us on our toes.
I'm going to take your questions one at a time to save my widdle brain from burn out. (it also makes for shorter post.)
What does a "trusting love" mean to you?
A "trusting love" is a presence of love I create within myself that allows my W to feel safe and comfortable with me. I show her through my words and actions that my love is pure and honest without her having to meet any conditions for receiving my love.
Quote: What would that involve in your mind?
I will validate my W's feelings while treating them with the same respect as if they were my own. I will love my W for who she is without finding fault in her. I will love my W without any condition that she must meet any standards set in my mind.
Quote: What do you think it means for her?
My W will feel it within herself that I am not going to make judgement on her feelings, actions, or any other part of her being. My W will not feel the need to hide her true self from me in order to protect her own identity. My W will feel free to just be herself around me, without fear that I may disapprove of her. My W will not feel she is being controlled by my thoughts or my perceptions of her.
Quote: When you had a trusting love for each other in the past, what was it like?
My W and I were able to discuss matters openly and honestly without fear of hurting each others feelings. We could compromise on any situation and we'd both walk away satisfied with the outcome. We understood each others points of view without defending our own. We weren't afraid to say NO to each other without fear of hurting or disappointing each other. We were able to be ourselves without worry. We were able to finish each others sentences with accuracy. We were working on the same page with each other, as a team effort. We were growing together towards a better us.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
Quote: How open and honest with her have you been in the past?
Early on in our M, I would say that I was somewhat open an honest with my W. I shared my feelings with her but validation from my W was not there most of the time. She would just make light of the situation or tell me to "get over it". As time marched on, I became uncomfortable in sharing my feelings with my W. It seemed as though my feelings meant nothing to her, and I didn't want to experience the hurt this caused me to feel.
During the first month of our separation, I went all out and shared every feeling I had going. I think this overwhelmed my W as it seemed to be falling on deaf ears.
Quote: When she has been open and honest with you, how have you reacted?
My W has seldom been open and honest with me. She's not the type of person who is able to process her feelings very well. She admits she goes through life stuffing her feelings and emotions. The few times she has opened up to me, I'll have to admit that my validation to her was usually followed by my words of defense.
Quote: Have either of you shut the other off when expressing honest thoughts and feelings? If so, how?
We have both shut ourselves off from each other from time to time. The "silent treatment" would be in full swing, and you could just feel the tension mounting. We both despise the silent treatment, but it was the only way we could react without blowing up at one another. Neither my W nor I are suited for proper confrontations, so a lot of openness and honesty went out the window.
Quote: What could you do to change that?
I feel in order for our M to work in the future, my W and I will have to posess that "trusting love". We both must be able to feel comfortable with sharing our feelings and thoughts with each other. No making judgements, no mind reading, just pure and honest communication. We need to ask questions of each other rather than create false perceptions through our trying to read each others mind. We both need to find the confidence in ourselves and in each other that we are free to express ourselves in what we are feeling. We both must feel that we will be accepted and loved by each other for who we are. We must employ proper validation methods to help keep the openness and honesty flowing.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
4. Make more quality time to enjoy each others company.
Quoting Jamesjohn:Define quality time. What will you be doing? What will she be doing? What will you both be doing together?
After reading The Five Love Languages, I now know why I put quality time on my list of "knowing what I want". My primary love language is quality time, with touch being my secondary love language.
Spending quality time with my W has not been easy over the years. Between her family, the kids, and her work, my W has been either too "busy" or too tired to devote much, if any, time for us.
My W and I used to take late night walks, holding hands and talking about anything and everything. We would laugh and play little games as we walked around the neighborhood. I had her undivided attention and she had mine. I felt loved and appreciated by my W.
We also used to frequent the shores of Lake Erie where we would hold hands, embrace each other, and get lost in the beauty of the sunset. There were no outside distractions to come between us. I felt loved as our two souls joined each other and we became "one".
Going to the drive-in during the summer months was also quality time well spent together. My W gets so involved with the movie that I sometimes just sat there and watched her as she would bite her nails, scream out at the movie screen, or grab hold of my arm. I felt loved and a special kind of closeness to my W.
Quality time in the house was difficult as there always seemed to be kids running in and out or never ending phone calls. When we did have the house to ourselves, I would lay my head on my W's lap as we watched TV. No words needed to be spoken as my W would stroke my head with a delicate and loving touch and I would return the love by gently hugging and rubbing her leg. I felt loved and cherished by my W.
Quality time in having sex has never been easy in our house. Once again between the kids and my W always working, we were lucky to get even 30 minutes alone in any one day. Sometimes we would have the house to ourselves but my W seemed to be "too tired" and preferred to relax and watch TV. Sex twice per month was the norm with an occasional "bonus" day here and there. When we did have sex, I felt loved and desired by my W.
Knowing what I know now, I'd say the lack of quality time with my W may have been part of the cause for much of my anger and frustration over the past couple of years. My "love tank" was running close to empty as I was starving for love and affection. I took my anger and frustration out on everyone around me. Now that I am all alone, my "love tank" is pretty much bone dry, but I am learning to control my anger and frustration.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
I'll have to wait until I have more time to give my answers proper consideration. I'll check back after the holiday. 