18 months, but who's counting?

[Lord Grenville]

Still Hoping wrote:
Of course I'd rather it be with H. But I don't want to spend a few more years alone with no guarantees of his return. I'm starting to feel as if I'm wasting my good years on him. (And obviously, there are no guarantees that a life with someone else will turn out to be great either.)

Is it better to cut my losses now?? I'm interested in knowing what those of who have been married for 10, 15, 20+ years would say had this happened to you early on. Or do age and length of M make no difference at all?

Hi SH - I have been DBing for almost exactly a year now, and I originally felt that I might be willing to wait about 18 months. With my W showing no signs of giving up the OM, and a 5th mediation meeting coming next week, I am finding myself on some days wanting to move on with my life, but on more days of the week, wanting to delay and stretch this process out as long as possible, hoping that the OM will make some mistakes and cause my W to reconsider what she is doing.

Anyhow, your question is an interesting one. If this happened during our 7th year of marriage, rather than our 19th, I really think I would have fought just as hard and long as I am doing right now. The more I read these DB boards, the more I think one key element to saving a marriage is PATIENCE. We can see from hundreds of stories how often the spouse in MLC returns one day, but too often the LBS has moved on. That is why, even if my W pushes for a mediated dissolution of our marriage, I am planning on waiting for at least 6 - 12 months before I get into another serious relationship. She may still wake up after beginning to spend more time with the OM (who lives 3 1/2 hours away) and seeing that he may not be the answer to her happiness.

Statistically, most of us will probably live well into our eighties, which means I could still have another 40 years of marriage with my intended life partner (if she wakes up), or five more 8-year marriages { :-] I just learned from my father that his uncle, whom I did not know very well, was married 6 times. However, I do not plan on trying to break his record.

Have you ever seen the BBC comedy "Waiting for God" which is shown on some PBS stations? This program features the occasional romance and frequent capers of a retired photojournalist Diane, and the gentle dreamer Tom who are next door residents of an assisted living complex. These characters remind us that there is no reason we can't meet an exciting and vibrant person to create adventures with, even after we have entered our seventies or eighties. You don't have to fear being alone - try to enjoy the peace that you can create around yourself now, and the future will take care of itself.

Best wishes,

LG