Why does he want to work it out? Does he even really want to? Does he feel he needs to out of guilt?
I question these things everyday. A lot of it is because of stuff he's said in the past. I heard the dreadful "ILYBINILWY" line, and that this whole M was one big mistake. That one kid turned into M, then another kid, then a mortgage, and then another kid. Had to hear, numerous times, that he never wanted any of it. Never wanted to marry me, never wanted to have kids with me, never wanted to be with me. He stayed in the R because he "thought it was the right thing to do". He's said a couple of times that he hated me, couldn't stand the sight of me.
Most of the time, these things were said during arguments. Sometimes they weren't.
H has apologized many times for every hurtful thing he's ever said. It has been nearly impossible for me to believe him. Can anyone understand how difficult this is? To believe the man you once loved, more than anything else in the world, when he says he wants to be with you again, but at the same time, have those painful words that came from his mouth, his feelings, constantly echoing in your head?
Why should I believe him now? After all this time? Especially after knowing he knows what he will have to give the kids and me for support. Several months back, his reaction, after talking with his ATTY, was that he wasn't going to work like he had been. Just so he wouldn't have to give us as much. His own words. Didn't care that he'd be screwing himself as well, moneywise. Again, his words.
But whatever, I knew he didn't mean it. H has never been able to say no to the mighty dollar. If the money's there to be made, he's on it immediately.
Anyway, regarding the D, I want to sell the house, which the kids and I are still in for now, but with the way the market is, he doesn't want to. So I want him to buy me out then, which he doesn't want to do either because that would mean having to give me more money from his half.
So.....it just all makes me wonder why? Why should I believe him? Why should I trust him or even try to?
After all that's been said and done, it's hard not to feel like I'm a mistake. I was a mistake in his life, and I turned out to be an expensive one, all because I was living my dream of being a housewife and a mother, and the whole time, H wasn't living his.
A few times, he was looking for something, and he was looking for it elsewhere. There's something he wants or needs, and if it's something that has to come from someone other than himself, then I don't think I'm the one who can give it to him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have strayed, right?
I just have soooo many doubts. I'm not even sure why I'm really here posting this. It's something I have to figure out on my own.
As I told H, I am open to spending time together again and seeing where it leads. But what I didn't tell him is that I don't know if this is what I want. I wonder if I've reached the point of no return. It's strange to think that I originally wanted this M to work, that I didn't want the D, and H was the one who wanted out. He left and never made an attempt to come back even when he said he wanted to reconcile.
But now, it's me who feels like getting out.
Just really confused.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
