Interesting. For the sake of the argument, when was the last time you were in a relationship where the man wasn't wanting to jump your lovely bones on a constant basis? I'm not counting STBX, unless early on. But since him, you haven't been with anyone for long enough for the initial blaze to die down a bit, have you? How often do you suppose you would go out of your way to initiate in the absence of constant initiation from your partner? (This assumes everything else in the relationship is fine and you just tuckered him out or he's overloaded elsewhere or something.)
I don't think that there is a simple answer to the question. Actually, it's often pretty hard to say who initiated sex when both parties are generally in favor of it. For instance, I might claim that FSG initiated sex by saying "Unzip your pants." but he might claim that I initiated sex by saying "Nothing." but I might counter-claim that he initiated by asking me what I was wearing under my pants etc. etc. etc. back to who initially brought up the topic of clothing.
GP could probably claim that I mostly initiated sex in our relationship because I would usually be the one to cross over the line from affectionate to monkey in our physical interactions but he was the one who would end up muscling me down the hallway so, once again, debatable. With NG it was pretty much spontaneous mutual combustion. Also, if I review my youthful sexual history, I don't really remember a great deal of difficulty with the sex part of my sexual relationships.
Anyways, I think if I was in a LTR with a reasonably HD guy (and I should note that I have no intention of forming or maintaining a relationship with any guy who isn't. Absolute deal-breaker for me.) I would initiate whenever I was the one who thought of it or just because I happened to be horny. Kind of like I might be the one to suggest going out to eat at a new restaurant sometimes if I was with somebody who was generally in favor of food and going out. Usually FSG and I talk at night but I called him one morning to initiate sex rather than chat. I'm really not just passively waiting around for the guys I date to sex me up. It's just basically effortless to initiate sex with them.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
not just passively waiting around for the guys I date to sex me up. It's just basically effortless to initiate sex with them.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh those were the days!!
LOL- I think the best way I could answer the jist of Ket's question would be to say that if the effort/compromises I had to make in order to get sex in a relationship reached the level that the sex started to become cr*p sex for me, I would step back from pursuing/initiating sex and make sure I was maintaining decent boundaries sexually and in general in the relationship. For instance, there is no way in hell I will ever put up with some of the kinds of sexual interactions I had in my marriage. For instance, sitting 4 feet apart and watching porn with a man so he can get turned on enough to f*ck me. Not gonna happen. I would rather date a new guy every 3 mos. for the next 30 years (120 men!)than ever find myself in that situation again. I will have sex and I will be treated with respect and affection or I will be back out on the sexual highway with my monkey thumb in the air and I won't look back.
Last edited by MJontheMend; 01/31/0807:59 PM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
For instance, there is no way in hell I will ever put up with some of the kinds of sexual interactions I had in my marriage. For instance, sitting 4 feet apart and watching porn with a man so he can get turned on enough to f*ck me. Not gonna happen. ...I will have sex and I will be treated with respect and affection or I will be back out on the sexual highway with my monkey thumb in the air and I won't look back.
(((((Mojo)))))
You were lacking 3 out of 3 with your PAL 2bx. I have no idea how you lived with that AND kept such a great sense of yourself. yeah I know you've struggled too but I have to think that many women after so many years would have been much worse off.
When is the move to your new place or are you there already?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
For heaven's sake that is just ridiculous. I guess it is no more ridiculous than when I would turn down xH for sex and he would browbeat me about how unattractive I was so that I was left to have to initiate the next time to prove my attractiveness - to him, to me - whoever????
When your own self respect becomes the most important thing that is when it is time to leave a R. I think you will now recognize that tipping point more quickly and you won't be so afraid of it.
When is the move to your new place or are you there already?
I am kind of running around like a chicken with her head cut off between my new place, my old place and my office. I moved the coffee maker to my new place yesterday so I guess I'm officially residing there - lol.
Quote:
I have no idea how you lived with that AND kept such a great sense of yourself.
That's a good way of expressing it because I think I had a pretty good sense of myself going into my marriage and at the worst point of my marriage I was having thoughts like "you are trying to turn me into your mother (highly non-differentiated individual)" and "you are killing free-form movement (non-sexual monkey/creative/pilgrim-souled) Mojo ".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
When your own self respect becomes the most important thing that is when it is time to leave a R. I think you will now recognize that tipping point more quickly and you won't be so afraid of it.
True. I think I'll recognize it long before it gets to that point. I gotta tell you these days if I get the slightest dickhead vibe off a guy my tendency is to immediately:
1) Fix my lipstick. (self-validate)
2) Start packing my suitcase. (prepare to exit if boundary is crossed)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
if I get the slightest dickhead vibe off a guy my tendency is to immediately:
1) Fix my lipstick. (self-validate)
2) Start packing my suitcase. (prepare to exit if boundary is crossed)
Now that is a classic MJ answer. Love it!
Ok, gotta go put the kids to bed, make myself and H ice cream sundaes, and settle in for Lost. ...and maybe have sex. We'll see. But the sundaes and Lost take precedence.
Guess what? FSG said that I have a mean streak. I never had a mean streak before. I think it's kind of cool. He said that I use the phrase "Let me tell you something." when I'm getting ready to be mean. This is interesting to me because I don't consciously choose to use that phrase or "know" that I use it so I think it must be reflective of subconscious affirmative self-talk along the lines of "I'm going to express something that I think is honest and/or worth stating even if it isn't very nice."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
