Having a hard time

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Thanks. Yes, I have dropped the ball at points, I am always admitting that. But at this point I have lost hope. This separation has been totally different than the first one. Then I DB'd my ass off and it did not change things in the end. Maybe I am wrong, but my gut feeling is that if he didn't want me then when I was at the top of my game, then he doesn't want me. He constantly reminds me this is over. His feelings for me are gone. Said just last night that he doesn't get along with me and no longer wants to be married. Once he said whether this is right or wrong he will not change his mind from his course.

I am good for a while and then have ruts, like everyone. This last week it has hit hard. I was good before that for a long streak. I am human. I speak from my heart. I told him the concert he went to bothered me. Should I not have? Maybe, but I like to give my honest feelings. He told me of all that is going on I am worried about that? I said that was just something that bothered me.

In group last night I talked to them about just what you said - at this point do I really want him back? Well, of course, ultimately I would say yes. But I would have rules. Last time in 05 he came back with no changes and it didn't work. He did nothing to make it work while I was dbing, medicating, going to therapy, going to group. So he would have to be willing to actually do something positive this time. Which I know he would not. Not to say I am not hopeful, there is still a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. But I no longer rely on it let's say.

Hope that kinda made sense