I'm proud of your efforts CL. It's an understatement to say that it's hard to live with someone who is blaming, critical and seemingly unappreciative of your gentle qualities.
I hope that at some point your W comes to appreciate what she *does* have as opposed to dwelling on everything she doesn't.
Matilda and Aud, A writing magaizine I was reading discussed Madame Bovary, and I knew I would be able to relate to the theme. Most of us on these boards can probably relate to the theme.
Charles, the doctor is a kind man of integrity who provides a good life in a country town for Madame Bovary. Ever since they went to a ball, she dreams of a life in upper crust society. She devalues her H and her life, and is judgmental of him and the local people.
She falls into a depression of sorts with physical ailments. Today they would call it psychosomatic. Her H moves her to a new town, with the hopes of reviving her spirits. He does this at great sacrifice, as he must close a thriving practice.
What is lacking at this point in the story is her failure to share her desires with her H, so that he can work on trying to meet them to some extent. He only knows that she is unhappy, but deosn't know what to do differently.
She devalues him and the positives he provides, and idealizes the life she thinks would make her happy, and be more exciting.
This is as far as I've gotten. Do these characters sound familiar to anyone? I'm at the point where they just moved to the new town. We'll see if it makes her any happier.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Aud, and Jak, It has been a mixed week, as is typical. On Monday, Madame CL had a tantrum because I took a break from washing some pans and left them in the sink. I retreated to my bedroom and let her vent. She called me a coward for not coming out, but I didn't see the point. She kept trying to get an apology from me, and I kept silent. I decided to wait 24 hours for it to settle. The next day she apologized.
To her credit, she has increased her exercise routine, and being proactive about getting back in shape. I accompanied her to the gym last night, and did my yoga routine.
She is working on clearing-out her bedroom, in preparation for it to be painted. I know she is excited to give the room a makeover, by removing outdated wallpaper and having it painted with a Gobe Desert shade of brown.
She is also listening to tapes on the Law of Attraction. I'm not familiar with it, but it seems to want people to cultivate their minds that they are worthy of abundance in all aspects of their lives--relationships, money, health, and others. This sounds like something positive for her to be engaged with.
I think I currently have the right balance of self-care and connection. It helps to stand for a M, when the spouse appears to be working on self-improvement.
My improvement projects include working on being more fluid and less inhibited with the dancing, putting more emotion and personality on the writing page, being proactive about making connections with people I don't yet know well, and integrating mindfulness exercises into my daily life to practice learning to live in the moment and being accepting of life as it is. I have plenty to work on.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
, but accept that my W will make her own choices about the M, and that it's not a reflection on me or my failure
I just love this too (oh, hi Matilda!! i'm waving wildly on your direction). It is hard not to take it personally or feel rejected, but what you say is true, it will be their inability to buckle up and fight tooth and nail for the M, not about us.
I will now have to get that book you are reading, I know it is a classic and have been curious about it for a long time.
I'm also "reading' a book on cd during my commute, it is called "if I end up missing or dead" a true -i think- story about 2 sisters, one of them ending up dissapearing and killed by her scumbucket H. The narrating sister tells their story, which is just nothing short of amazing, of a terrible childhood with a father who stopped short of raping them during their whole life, through her 3 abusive Rs... to being the "OW" and how deceptive that R was, how they couldnt' trust each other. She feels so inadequate and wants to please her H, so far gone is her self steem that she ends up thinking "if I were perfect I bet he'd love me more", and kept sustaining abuse and excusing it to keep the peace...and him.
I tried to find your other threads, tryign to understand where you stand, your W didn't use to live with you, now she does but sleeps in a different room?. Reminds me of the past 6mths, when my H was sleeping downstairs. You sound like a top notch guy, (any guy who cooks gets brownie points in my book )
About dancing, the trick is to let go, to dance like no one is watching One day you have to try a zumba class, I'm still dancing here and there remembering my session from yesterday.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat and Matilda, This weekend my W and I worked on clearing-out her bedroom in order for it to be painted. The handyman came on Sunday, and we helped him strip the two layers of wallpaper off the walls. My W filled four bags with clothes she no longer wears, and I dropped it off at the local Goodwill store.
My W wants to go to Hawaii this spring, but the nature of my job prevents me from taking too much time off in the near future. This is partly why she wants me to look for another one.
I proposed to her that I could take off one week in the spring, and two weeks in the summer. This would allow me three months of giving my employer straight attendance.
She thought about this for several days, and returned with the proposal that we go to Puerto Rico this spring for one week. This would fit in with our latin dancing interests. Hawaii will have to wait.
I seem to be worrying about her smoking more intensely lately. Perhaps, it's because she's been talking more quitting and getting my hopes up. She hasn't yet took the leap and started the work. My smoking cessation book would say that she's in the Preparation stage.
I'm transferring these feelings onto the page, during my daily writing ritual. I've sketched a story about a retired couple, where the wife is on oxygen, and the husband has to deal with his conflicting feelings of compassion and anger towards his wife. In my work, I have a client who is diagnosed with lung cancer, so am using her as a catalyst for this story. We'll see how this story develops, or if I abandon it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
