Help me find the passion

[Light Seeker]

No Sale - I remember reading your story. I don't think of fantasizing in the same way it seems your wife is doing it.

I've generally only fantasized while trying to MB (I say trying because that isn't very successful these days either). It is always a faceless person - no one well known.

There was one exception where I knew my H was waiting up for me to have ML (we had talked about it earlier and I think I had offered or suggested - can't quite remember) and I was finishing a movie. I was not in the mood at all. So, when I went to bed and he started, I visualized the actor from the movie - who was not a well known actor.

I can try taking one of my fantasies and applying it while ML. But again, it is more of a faceless person and more about the setting and what is happening.

[mrsc]

Well, I think it's important to wear clothes that make us feel good about ourselves. I have big boobs and they have always been a source of annoyance for me. And to be sure, there are annoying aspects of having them, such as not being able to find sexy bras and getting clothes that fit properly. Mojo recently said that the fashion industry makes it impossible to be stylish when you have big boobs. And I agree.

I spent most of my adult life trying to hide them. My rejection of my sexuality goes back to my relationship with my father (I wasn't molested but he said inappropriate things to me). I didn't like the attention the boobs brought me, because mostly I wanted to not be noticed.

Part of owning my sexuality has been accepting and owning my big boobs. They are a part of the whole that is me.

Back to you...what about lingerie? Buying/wearing it makes me feel sexy. I don't wear it all the time, but sometimes I like to surprise cac. It builds anticipation in me when I'm going around all day wearing something sexy.

As for fantasies, I know they work for a lot of people, so definitely worth a try. I happen find them distracting, so I mostly focus on how I'm feeling.

You said that one of the issues you had with the sex last night was communicating what you like to your H. Maybe you could just place his hand or whatever where you'd like it, or place your own hand on him to start something else. You don't necessarily need to say anything. Or if there's something you really liked about last night, you could say to him, "I really liked it when you did x or we did y" or whatever.

Another thing...what I like sexually is not the same now as it was 20 years ago. Things that used to work no longer do so much for me and I have new favorites. Part of the process is figuring out what you like and then communicating that to H.

[Light Seeker]

I'm not a huge lingerie fan. My H has actually bought me some things that are pretty but comfortable and very down to earth. I was rather surprised! Anyway, I think part of my discomfort is not liking my body. Pre-baby I was a size 8 and now I'm a solid 10. I'd like to get back to the 8 but between the thyroid and stress (I am not handling all the stress well these days), it is a struggle to maintain my current weight. I could try wearing something to bed though - that might be fun.

As for communication, moving his hand doesn't generally work as it might be he needs more or less pressure. Last night, when he lingered in one spot too long I tried moving his hand but then he moved it to where he thought I wanted it which wasn't the place. I am lousy at communicating and he's lousy at listening. Great pair, eh? When I moved his hand then everything progressed too fast.

I think I will try both staying in the moment and the fantasy and see which seems to work better for me.

Ever cried after sex? I did a couple of times. One time I remember I had tried to plan this romantic evening and he started falling asleep on the couch. I was persistent and he said fine let's go and it was a wham bam thank you mam. I felt like I could have been a blow up doll. It seemed so impersonal. So, that's why I said last night was not the worse and I don't dwell on the bad times as I want things to get better.

I was excited when it seemed like an O would happen last night (as often it has not) but then it was so darn disappointing. I wonder if the physiological part will improve when I get the psychological part stronger?

[tmi]

Give yourself permission to fantasize during sex too, even if it's not about your H. I have a few reliable ones that I need to focus on to reach orgasm - keeps me in the moment, because if my mind is not in the room, my body isn't having much fun.

Personally, I'd like to understand a bit more about this. Is this common for example? How does it realate to your R overall?

Don't know what you're asking about - fantasizing? I'm sure it is common. On occasion it's been about a particular real person who I find attractive, mostly it's a certain scenario and I have a few variations of setting/action.

Many (I would probably even say most) women can't come just from intercourse. Kind of a bad design, the clitoris being on the outside, but since that's what we've got, it helps to remember that it also needs attention in order for someone to achieve orgasm - most of the time for most women, some of the time for some women, some of the time for some of us depending on the day...

There are real men in my world that I find attractive, No Sale - I'm married, not dead. Finding another man attractive is not sufficient reason to toss my marriage and run off - fortunately, I find my H very attractive too.

I was totally ND for quite a while in our R, after our second child was born. Things had slowed down quite a bit already after the birth of our first child and once there were two, we really got started on the cycle of tension and fighting that we lived with for a number of years, although I didn't notice it at the time - I don't where my head was, really, in those years. Actually, that's not true - I entered a deep depression after my son was a year old and don't think I ever really came out of it until starting ADs last fall.

[Dom R]

Okay Dom - you tell me who gets the short stick?

not Dom, but this really struck me.

...

It seems as though "cac" has already done a first-class job of saying what I would have said in reply
(and probably better than I would have said it, so.. double hurray for that I think his followup posts were excellent, and it seems you agree at least to some degree.
Go team db )

[Light Seeker]

Dom - I like your posts and cac's too. I can't tell you how overwhelming my life is right now. I do try to pay attention to H, but as was noted - there are times on the weekend when D is napping that I have energy and could be enthusiastic and...he's not home!

I don't know if it always falls this way, but I feel like I'm doing 90% of the work to get our love life on track and he's doing 10%. Then he wonders what I've done because the results are either temporary or minimal. Some support and encouragement on his part would have gone a long way, but that is not his style. His style is to dig in his feet and throw a tantrum.

Instead of a puppy, perhaps I should treat him like a toddler?

[No Sale]

There are real men in my world that I find attractive, No Sale - I'm married, not dead. Finding another man attractive is not sufficient reason to toss my marriage and run off - fortunately, I find my H very attractive too.

Finding someone else attractive is different than fantasizing about them, which is what I was asking about.

Are you LD with your H, yet fantasize about these others?

My thread (linked above) will provide background to my sitch, but I'm still curious in general.

[Dom R]

Dom - I like your posts and cac's too. I can't tell you how overwhelming my life is right now. I do try to pay attention to H, but as was noted - there are times on the weekend when D is napping that I have energy and could be enthusiastic and...he's not home!

hmm..
you wrote that on the weekends, he is "out flying/hunting/golfing"...

Does he carry a cellphone?

betcha if you called him during those times, with, "if you were home right now, I would really love you to .... right now", he would mysteriously spend a lot fewer weekends away

That is, presuming that you didnt stop feeling that way when he was actually around.
A sure way to kill that positive possibility from his side, would be to never feel that way if he spent his weekends at home.
(which may be why he now doesnt any more?)

You might not be in the mindset to "allow" yourself to feel relaxed and horney when he is around.
If that's the case... some people might say that you need to "give yourself permission" to feel that way.

I don't know if it always falls this way, but I feel like I'm doing 90% of the work to get our love life on track and he's doing 10%. Then he wonders what I've done because the results are either temporary or minimal. Some support and encouragement on his part would have gone a long way, but that is not his style. His style is to dig in his feet and throw a tantrum.

Instead of a puppy, perhaps I should treat him like a toddler?

well, if he's acting like one... seems appropriate to me

[Crazy Eddie]

Oh, he'll say he's not a big fan or it's not a favorite. The other week he mentioned he thought I would look good in tall boots and a mini skirt. I felt like he must think I'm twenty something instead of 45.

Maybe he wants you to think like a carefree, fun-loving twenty something year old woman. And of course he wouldn't mind you looking 20 something, because that's one thing that guys find attractive even if they won't admit it.

Plus, I've never been a fan of my legs and have muscular calves, so that outfit was not even a hit for me in my twenties!

Odd, you say "muscular calves" like it's a bad thing.

[Dom R]

Gahh.. i missed these posts from others. thought i'd comment on em, becuase what I see some people "recommending" to you, could have really bad consequences.

I can try taking one of my fantasies and applying it while ML. But again, it is more of a faceless person and more about the setting and what is happening.

Why would you WANT to, though? Lets look at the positives and negatives

How exactly is imagining having sex with someone other than your husband, going to build more intimacy between you and your husband?

If all you want to do is "be more turned on during intercourse with your H", then I suppose pretending "that man who is currently between my legs, is NOT actually there, and there is someone entirely DIFFERENT there", may be effective in making you more "sexually turned on".

But how is that supposed to make you feel any closer to your husband?

You may end up "enjoying sex" more. But you wouldnt be "enjoying sex with your husband", at an emotional level. So there wouldnt be any bonding "with your husband" from it. Seems like there are better ways to achive that 'bonding' goal.

PS: yeah, add me to the "digs muscular calves" list if your husband likes your legs... why wallow in your own negative image of them? Just borrow his positive one, and enjoy yourself more