I am so confused, not sure what hand I am playing

[Snow White]

Thanks, my first instinct was to contact the OW's spouse out of anger and so he could know. The reason I did not is because my understanding is that the reason they(she and my h) initially started talking and becoming closer(and his excuse for the majority of the calls) is because he was trying to help her through an abusive relationship and get set up to leave her spouse. In fact as crazy as this sounds a senior manager in his company had promised her a promotion if she left him because they were concerned enough about what was going on. Now that doesn;t even sound legal to me, but that is along the lines of the way his company has worked. His concern was that she was being pressured by management to leave her significant other but no one was helping her through the fall out of it.

He has told his best friend who I talked to following. His friend of course only has one side of the story but seems to think that it happened (he told him only one ohysical encounter as well)and is not happening anymore. I told him my concerns about the house and other loses that as opposed to my husband wanting me and he seemed to think that was nonsense.

he frist couple weeks following my discovery of the phone bills and asking him not to call anymore he almost seemed in a withdrawal, very tired, waking up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, biting his nails. In the past week or so he has seemed more himself, animated in discussions sleeping and eating normally. Hopefully this is a good sign, not a one that he's not in withdrawal because he's not withdrawling

Thanks again for the input - Neecy

[Snow White]

Well I think I wrecked any progress I have made last night. Yesterday was my H's day off, he was home with D4 who was sick. I have been making a point not to call because it seems like I am just checking up but since she was sick I called at around 10:15 - I had left for work at 7 and gotten no calls in my direction. My husband answered and said I'll call you back, and then I heard nothing. I called at 12:15 and there was no answer so I called again at 12:30 and the line was busy for 20 min, then when I called and it rang there was again no answer. So I decided to drive home on my lunch to check on my daughter, sure enough there they both are he is playing playstation she is playing on her leapster. I asked what was going on he said nothing, I said why have you not been answering the phone I just wanted to see how D4 was? Oh I was on my way to the bathroom when you called then I forgot to call back and then I was in the bath when you called later, I did call you at work(which he did after I had left to come home) When i asked about the phone being busy he said it was a manager from another store and looking at the call display later that person had called at just before 12:30. I went back to work and when i came home he pretended he didn't know I was there, I cleaned up the kitchen and sat down at the computer. When I pulled up the favorites it was on history instead. He came out oh I see you are checking up on me again, I said no actually you must have been in the history. Well anyways the history was on a whole slew of poems that had been written by the apparantly no longer OW. I said why did you spend your day looking at these? His answer was because I had brought them up at MC so he wanted to see what I was talking about. So I said i thought we were trying to move forward and you made today all about her again. I then ended up grilling him for most of the evening for answers again about the OW. Actually mentioning outloud I know that this is going to ruin everything I have been doing but...
Today I feel stupid and regretful and like I am forcing him in her direction even though he may have been making an effort to come back to me.

[Snow White]

I would just like to say how much I admire many of you on this board. I am new, and I feel like I have already given all I have got and then I read your posts and I see how strong and dedicated you are and it is really inspiring. I am not sure staring at this board while I am supposed to be working constitues GAL, but I am happy to say I have yet to miss a day's work (ok I did miss a half day). Thank you all for being the people that you are.

[lodo]

Today I feel stupid and regretful and like I am forcing him in her direction even though he may have been making an effort to come back to me.

Hey Neecy,

We all make missteps so don't beat yourself up. It may give him something to react to, but in the big scheme of things you have every right to check up on him. Hard part is he doesn't appreciate that yet.

Take care of yourself and try to maintain your PMA. lodo

[LL44]

I see how strong and dedicated you are and it is really inspiring. I am not sure staring at this board while I am supposed to be working constitues GAL, but I am happy to say I have yet to miss a day's work

Hey, you are doing great, so you are among the strong!!! And yes, this board is GAL, its helping us become better people. We just have to remember to turn it off sometimes (just reminding myself here) and get out there.

Yesterday was yesterday. No one is perfect. Believe me, I have had conversations with my H while my mind was screaming "You are messing this up big time!". Sometimes it can't be stopped. Tomorrow is another day!

[Snow White]

Some more advice please wise ones. There seemed to be a point where things seemed slightly "normal" for a few days. Now my husband has returned to behaviour that I see in my self when i am either very anxious or depressed. He is eating very little, and again this morning woke up at 5 am because he couldn't sleep (he works at 11 today, normally trying to get my daughter to stay in bed so he can sleep past 8). Last night he took a bath then when he got out just sat there and stared out the window for about a half hour, same thing when he woke up this morning got a coffee and sat there staring at nothing. So the question is...what do I do, last night I just left the room and watched tv in our bedroom. I don't know if I should be acting as if nothing is wrong and being super happy or I should be cool and let him decide when and if he wants to talk to me.

[JAK58]

My thought is that he just needs to be left alone to process his loss of OW. It does sound like he is grieving her but, ya just never know maybe he is deep in though over what he has done to the R. Just take care of you right now and GAL. Also No R talk.

JAK

[Snow White]

Thanks Jak, any suggestions on how to deal with the fact that they go to work together everyday in a store smaller than my house with only 3 other employees, sometimes less? AARGH!!!! Oh yes, and it is a furniture store, couches and beds, and a back room containing them. But of course nothing has ever happened at work.

[JAK58]

Just try to think that there are three other empoyees and that they are not alone.

My H works with OW and I know they can't do anything but talk there and thats was bad enough. H says they hardly talk any more and only about work when nessesary but I still wonder once in a while. He has been doing pretty good though. I can't sit and worry about OW though she means nothing to me. I just try to make home a place that H will want and myself as desiable as I can.

Try to be the greener grass as it is said on here. Be upbeat and validate what he feels, it is important. BUT do not let him use you as a doormat(cake-eat) Set boundries for your self to help you cope. Walking out of the room and going to another to watch tv was a good move. You removed yourself from his crap. Remember it is about him not you.

Jak

[Snow White]

That is what my H says about the talking too, that they talk as little as possible but it is hard to believe. I really believe that while there may have been minor flirting before that this EA really only took place starting in Dec and they did cross over to a PA at one point(that has been acknowledged). Maybe because I am a very emotional person and I am not supposed to think of her viewpoint only mine but if someone told me a month ago that they loved me and couldn;t wait to be with me forever while trying to help me leave my husband, and then a week later said nevermind I love my wife and my family and we are going to counselling those were just words I would have a hard time maintaining a normal working realtionship. I just wonder if the conversation ever took place.

The second part, I am with you I am trying my darndest to make home a great place and I think I am doing a pretty good job. It is more the constant reel in my mind I am dealing with.

I really think the next few weeks will reveal a lot in whether we are going to heal or fall apart. We are leaving for Disney on Saturday the 9th, it is a 20 hour drive, with my parents and D4. We will be there for a week and on the day before we leave his parents(currently wintering in Florida) are coming to spend the day with us (none of them know we are struggling). This will be the first time since I found all the info about this OW that he has gone more than 1 full day without seeing her (he never has 2 days off in a row). It may help him over the hump; as I really see these outrageous number of phone calls as an obsession; or maybe he will realize that she is what he wants.