Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[Michael Mc C]

More thoughts...

I suppose I should try to explain why I'm unsure about this M working out.

First, H hasn't always been 100% honest with me, so it's extremely difficult for me to believe him, to trust anything that he says. I want to believe him, and I want to believe that his intentions are genuine, but I have a really hard time with it.

When he says that he loves me, it's difficult to believe him because I feel that's not true. I think he cares, probably deeply, for me, but love....I don't think so.

So many hurtful things have been said between the two of us, and I know people say stupid things all the time. All the time. But I honestly do not know if I can get past them, and I wonder if H has or can, too.

I ask myself, "What am I doing here?" What am I doing, still in this sitch? Why am I not D'ed yet?

I didn't want to file for D, but after some time had gone by, I told myself that there just wasn't any hope, not one bit.

Then H would call, or stop by to say hi to the kids, and look at me, with what appeared to be real sadness. He'd often express his regret for how things turned out for us, and he'd bring up memories. Good memories, of course, of our years together.

I feel like it's all been some kind of game. Some demented, emotional game where he tugs on my heart strings, knowing that if he can butter me up a little, then I won't go through with the D, so I end(ed) up waiting...and waiting...and waiting. For what?

For nothing, because that's exactly what would happen. Nothing. I'm really surprised that we've had two dates so far this past month, although they've included the kids.

And I worry about what that says to them. Since our S, H and I have not done anything together. Almost 3 yrs of Mom and Dad not doing anything together with the kids, and now all of a sudden?! I don't know what to say to them, if I should say anything at all, when I'm not sure myself about what's going on.

Second, as I stated in my first post, both H and I have dated others during our S. When he came to me a few weeks ago and said he wanted to reconcile, again, I said the first thing that needed to happen was for any ongoing R's, outside of ours, needed to stop. Immediately. He agreed.

I stopped seeing the guy I was dating, and H said he ended it with who he was seeing as well. He went into detail about their breakup and said he told her not to call him.

About a week after this, she called him, and I know this because he told me. He said he did not call her back and didn't plan to.

This is very troubling for me for two reasons: One, why would someone call you when you told them not to anymore? If I was told by a guy I was seeing that it was over, then hey - it's over. No more phone calls, nothing. Especially if that was his wish.

Two, this has happened before. H had an A, I found out, he called her in front of me to tell her it was over and not to call him again, then the next week, I found out that their communication really hadn't ended at all. I found out through snooping - not proud of it - but it confirmed what my gut instinct was telling me.

That same instinct is echoing in my head again.

I don't think he's totally stopped talking with her. He couldn't stop it the first time, not the second, nor the third. H has had a few A's - two EA's before we M'ed, and one A before our S. They never came to a complete end until I was one foot out the door.

I'm just really unsure about this. I don't know if the trust can ever exist again, and I don't know if I can ever really love him again. I care for him, very much, but the love just isn't there. Not like it used to be.

We go to court on March 4th, and I am not asking for a continuance again. I feel like if anything's going to happen to convince me that he really wants this, and that I do, too, it's going to have to happen fast.

Thank you for listening.
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TroubledUncertainty