is it appropriate for me to recommend that my H read the DB books? throughout our sepeartion I have shared many articles that I find and he "says" that he enjoys that so I was thinking that I should share the DB book with him???
I know this question has been asked before but I couldn't find it!!!
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
everyone pretty much agrees around here that it is not a good idea to let them read because although there are lots of good things in DR that could encourage them they would also be wise to the techniques that are there for you to use in saving your marriage and it could backfire. Everyone flamed me for letting my W get a hold of my copy, although I haven't seen any negatives from her having it yet. It would be great if there were two different copies one for the spouse doing the most work or all the work in saving the marriage(containing the seven steps) and a copy that simply has all the interesting info you spoke of to leave "lying around" for your spouse to pick up. Like someone told me you wouldn't want to share your play book with the other football team. Good luck
Last edited by Diehard; 01/30/0806:53 PM.
Me 38 WAW 29 D 4 Married 9 Together 11 Bomb June 07 Separated Jan 08 Reconciled May 08 awesome, happy, and blessed
I guess that makes sense. I will have to put my book back into my lil book bag. I like sharing the articles with him though because it is a nice way to share things I learn with him without making him feel pressured to participate in a "discussion" now if I could also learn to keep my mouth shut and stop having outburst/breakdown I think I would be doing better. I just have so much to say and I feel like he never wants to talk about it... he just wants to get through it... huh?
Last edited by kaycie; 01/30/0808:15 PM.
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
I did the exact same thing. I would be so excited about some of the articles that I would want to share them with her. (this was in the early stages of the bomb dropping before we separated) She would listen and even agree with alot of things, but in the end the coldness always came back and nothing changed. All you can do is take care of yourself and know your doing all you can to save the marriage and at least you'll have you dignity no matter what take care.
Me 38 WAW 29 D 4 Married 9 Together 11 Bomb June 07 Separated Jan 08 Reconciled May 08 awesome, happy, and blessed
So here's why it isn't a good idea. First it will be viewed as pursuit. It's just like trying to logically explain and have our walk away spouse understand walking away and giving up isn't a right solution. All this does is add bricks to the wall they have built up. Second it'll come across as manipulative and this is something you want to avoid at all costs. If you want to not only add bricks to the wall but excessive amounts of reinforcement then by all means do manipulative things. Finally in giving books, articles, etc just like relationship talk, it brings up all the hurt and pain to the forefront for your walk away spouse. We need to make them feel comfortable around us again, feel the good things, positive feelings not negativity.
BTW, I think we've all done it a bit so don't feel bad. What my walk away wife did was read the first parts then put the books or articles aside saying "I didn't see how this applies or is relevant to us." In other words she's unwilling to sit down and acknowledge that there is any other course of action, view point or such that is relevant. Also she's not willing to actually face the fact that maybe, just maybe she's wrong or that there could be alternatives to her choice.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Great post, Catfan. I think giving a S "the book" is like talking to them in a foreign language, they just won't get it! Why not? Because in their minds it's all about "feelings" either the positive ones they no longer have for you or the negative ones they do have for you! It is universal with WAS's to believe that feeling rules all, it is unchangable (in thier minds) and reading, marriage counselling etc is all a waste of time, "I can't help what I feel" is the mantra. So, I agree with not giving the book, just follow what it says and see where it leads.
The book mentions THIS SITE! That's how I found my way here. You DON'T want them coming here seeing your posts!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
