I hear what you're saying about not being guided by fear but by truth. That's a really powerful statement. I hope that I can continue to live by that.
This feeling of detachment that I'm experiencing after seeing H with ogre is troubling, but in a good way, I suppose. I feel as if I'm being pulled to the other side - being forced to look at things without the MLC goggles on. My years with H were happy ones. He loved me the best that he could. At times, I did wish for more from him and thought that with time (and training perhaps) he would be able to love me 'better'. Being detached is making me think that I can now find someone who is able to give me more, to see me for who I am and appreciate all I have to offer. And that that someone could give more to my boys - be a better role model, a better teacher, a better playmate. (I see joy and sadness at the same time in my S5's eyes when his friends' dads are around and playing with them. H has never been that playful.)
There's a picture I have of H from Christmas with him holding the boys. It seems so unnatural the way he's carrying them - like he doesn't fit into the role as their father. The picture actually makes me feel uncomfortable. It also reminds me of a time when they were younger, when H tried to carry both of them at once and nearly dropped them. My H is a tall, strong, athletic guy. To see him falter like that was a shock. I guess he's not a natural father the way some people are. It's strange - one on one, he's better with them. With both of them, he looks overburdened - which is exactly how I think he felt.
Seems that all the bad memories are coming up again - the same way the MLCers can only remember the bad. I wonder if I would ever say no to a reconciliation with H because of my kids. But whereas before, I envisioned a stronger better M, I'm starting to imagine me questioning myself for not taking the chance to break away now for a second chance.
I already sense that this is one of those rambling posts I will later regret ever posting (for not being very pro-DB - I've had several lately), but here it is. The random, troubled words of a confused LBS.
