Boy John I wish I read your post before I went out last night...
We had a great dinner. We met up at Lowe's to get ceiling fans for our house. Since we are selling it soon with the move, we noticed our fans are 25 yrs old and really dated-looking. So we got fans and light kits with no conflict or arguments at all--new for us and nice!
Then he asked where to for dinner and I made the decision, usually I wait for him to decide. We went to a place called Granite City which is a bar/grill. I chose to sit in a booth at the bar area, he was good with that. I chose it b/c they are u-shaped booths that face the bar. That way we can sit next to each other instead of across from each other. Plus he got to watch the KU/KState B-ball game on the giant TVs.
Anyway dinner was fine but I noticed I was initiating all the conversation. He mentioned he still didn't feel well since being sick on Monday/Tuesday. Didn't eat much. But we had a pretty nice time. Talked a lot about the upcoming move, selling the house, where we would live as a family once the house sold (I am staying here while it sells). He said he hasn't figured all of that out yet beyond the fact that he is moving in a few weeks, we (me and kids) are staying here a few months until the house sells, and then we will all live together somewhere. I decided to leave it at that b/c at least he voiced the fact that he wanted us all to be under one roof.
As we finished eating he said he had to go out to his boss' farm to measure some things for a trailer hitch he is welding. Old me came back to life, I was hoping she was gone....I was upset (but didn't say so) b/c it has been months since we have gone out and come home together, gone to bed at the same time, etc. I would meet him after work for drinks and go get the kids from the sitter while he would meet up w/friends and stay out longer. I guess I was thinking we would just both go home after dinner. I should have let it go b/c he was out measuring steel, not partying it up.
He came home almost 2 hours later which is NOT long, I realize, but I had thought it would take 5-10 minutes to measure steel and he'd be home. I pointed this out (DUMB! DUMB!) and he said I didn't get the process. I said I know, that is why I am asking what all you had to do, I am trying to understand....He said no I just wanted to know what took him so long.
Anyway it took me 40 minutes to realize I had gone back down a couple dozen cheeseless tunnels. Me saying that if he was truly committed to working on it, I wanted to be touched and told I am loved. He said, "I can do that". But he stayed on the couch w/his eyes closed and did nothing which irritated me. He said I irritated him b/c I hovered and didn't stop my argument unless I got the answer I was looking for. I realized there that I messed up and stopped cold. Went to bed. From bed I sent him a text (that seems to be his fave communication mode lately):
I really had a nice time at dinner. I am glad we went. Love you.
Sent it B/C I was feeling like a royal B. Here we went out to dinner which was his idea, he was home before 11 and was only out to work on a farming project he needs to finish before he moves--hard to go work on your boss' farm once you quit working for him--and I was acting like he did something wrong.
It is true, you get an inch of progress from your H or W and suddenly you want a mile...I need to soooo slow down the pace of my expectations. We had dinner, it was nice. He came to sleep in our bed (not until 2 again he keeps falling asleep on that darn couch). We are talking about staying together. Why am I trying so hard to screw it up???
So today I called him at work to remind him he had a dentist appointment today (he forgets stuff like that b/c he doesn't have a planner or blackberry-type thing.) We had a pretty nice, brief conversation. He seemed to be okay with everything. I think I will lay low until he comes home tonight, then go back to being happy. I have a lot to be happy about:
1)I like my job--although S was up all night w/an ear infection so I couldn't teach AGAIN today!
2)My H has not moved out and when he does, it will only be to take a new job, and he will be living w/his parents, not in a swingin' bachelor pad
3)My kids are cute and smart and they are still the age where I get daily hugs and kisses
4)H is making changes and says he loves me and wants to work it out
So, on that note, any advice to fix my blunders last night? This insecurity of mine is what most drives him crazy. But it is a vicious circle, b/c if he would touch me/tell me he loves me, I wouldn't act as insecure. And if I didn't act so insecure sometimes, he would probably be more prone to showing his affection.....anyway I just want to move past the backslide and on with progress!
