I've been quiet for a couple of weeks, as I've been trying to GAL, detach and move on. I thought a break from these boards, and their emotional intensity would be healthy.
Well my suspicions about my W and her A with OM have been proven correct. It appears things have started up again. She goes out most nights, and I've looked outside our apartment to see his car waiting in the distance. Watching her get in and drive off has been very difficult. In addition, I've broken my "non-snoop" promise and checked my W's email account, and seen emails from him (nothing graphic - just jokes signed with love). So now what? Well there is one big difference from last time, my W is lying. Previously she'd tell me she was going to see her male friend, but now she pretends she's made a new circle of girlfriends. So she dropped the bomb 16 months ago, had an affair, still lives at home (we sleep in separate rooms), and appears to be going back to the A (which was PA and led to a miscarriage). I wonder why she's lying? Is she in a different phase where a sense of guilt is finally starting to filter through?
Where am I? Well unlike last time, I'm more detached. It still hurts beyond words, but in a more distant way. The debilitating heartache, sleepless nights and constant anxiety is gone. I'm also trying to give up all "pursuing behaviour", and don't ask where she's going and when she will be back. Sometimes she tells me herself, other times not. I believe I've grown, but I'm not sure where this leaves me. Do we stay together, and I GAL my heart out? Do I call it quits? Is this her last throw of the dice before she breaks down and finally addresses her inner demons (she looks very drained, tired and haggard)?
I don't know. I don't know and I don't know.
One thing which keeps me focused is our 2 gorgeous girls...I will not leave the house so OM can enter their lives, and I don't want to shatter their equilibrium by "pushing the button" and going for full separation and divorce. However as time progresses, I feel less interested in having her back. I love her deeply, but she will have to reach out to me in a major way to cross the distance that I have travelled.
Throughout this period, I've tried to be loving and asked about her, and made efforts to ask her out, or make an extra cup of tea when I'm in the kitchen. My 180 is going to be a stop on these efforts. I think I needed the wake up call of this second round with OM to truly detach. Till now I've been suspended rather than detached.
I don't know how much of my behaviour fuels her monster. Is she having "her cake and eating it", and needs a wake up call to bring her back to some sense of reality? I don't think ultimatums or reason will get through her fog. So it seems my only choice, is to tighten my seat belt further and continue this ride.
I'd love to hear from those who still live with spouses that are having affairs; especially where the affairs stop & start.
As usual I know there's no "magic answer", but the warmth and wisdom on these boards is very comforting.
