lil - I just meant it's probably more psychological than physiological.
I didn't intend for this thread to be about me and my lack of libido. I was looking to support LDW and receive their feedback and coping mechanisms. Yes - some choose to hide and ignore it. I'm not. I'm trying to find ways to move through the conflict.
Threads tend to take off and acquire a life of their own...
This is part of Lesson One: other people do what they want without consulting you. It's kind of a relief when you accept that you're not responsible for stuff that other people do. Even with your thread.
I have been a control freak too. Part of my healing has been letting go of things that aren't that important. It's taken time, but I've got more of the "it's not the end of the world" attitude about the small stuff.
A big part of my control-freakishness is related to my chaotic home life as a child. My father was an alcoholic and he and my mother fought all the time. They didn't know how to communicate any other way. My father would goad my mother, she'd fall for it and they'd be off. As a child you can't control very much about your life so you grab on to what you can control and unfortunately this stays with you into adulthood.
Letting go of things has actually helped me to be LESS anxious than I used to be. Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?
There are so many areas of my life where I have to be in control, I can see how it might be a relief to let go of some things. Falls in line with the codependency stuff I've started reading.
You know what else has helped? Becoming a mom. I've had some OCD tendencies like putting things in the cupboard a certain way and dishes in the dishwasher a certain way and have given cac a lot of crap in the past about not doing those things my way.
Then one day S4 put something in the dishwasher and he picked his own spot to put it down. And I realized that the thing would still get cleaned even though it wasn't where I would have put it. Not only that, but I didn't want to discourage him from learning to pick up after himself or make him think that he wasn't doing it right.
Then I realized that I had been doing the same thing to cac.
Having a child has really given me the opportunity to examine myself and grow.
Yes - the child does help. I've given up on having a clean, uncluttered house! We have a small place and need to move but I've been torn since I had concerns about D. Sometimes, I think a new place would be a breath of fresh air for us.
I try hard not to control my D3. I don't want to dampen her creativity. There are a few things I'm controlling about (TV, where she eats, how she treats the cat) but I've learned it's best just to relax and try to make things a game. Maybe that's what I should do with H!
On a related note, I have done a lot of subtle things like that ... there is DEFINITELY a right way to load the dishwasher; grin! So not.
On the positive side, my husband has a long-standing (and to me, irritating) habit of getting 95% ready to go somewhere. 95%. Then I'm standing on the doorstep waiting for him to get his shoes on, find the cat, whatever. This wouldn't matter, except when we're running late already (frequent). My historical response has been to either nag or stuff my irritation. Recently, I have made more of a game of it. Running to the door with a saucy grin and a "I win!" This has gone over much much better ... HE actually "won" yesterday ... and has led to some fun attempts to lock each other out of the car, etc etc.
My point is, converting controlling tendencies into something more playful has worked well for me, and I think is a good idea generally.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
On the positive side, my husband has a long-standing (and to me, irritating) habit of getting 95% ready to go somewhere. 95%. Then I'm standing on the doorstep waiting for him to get his shoes on, find the cat, whatever. This wouldn't matter, except when we're running late already (frequent). My historical response has been to either nag or stuff my irritation.
Wow, they really are all the same. I wonder if our H's are related? I'll have to try the game thing.
I wonder if our H's are related? I'll have to try the game thing.