I use hokiness on purpose. I have read all the authors you name and then some. I KNOW that positive thinking has value and without it a lot of the things that I do well in my life would not happen. However, I had trouble with the Secret because I found it to be another version of stuff that others have done better (thus, the term hokiness). I also found myself to be really resistant to it which is unlike me. So, I examined my resistance and found that it was a reflection of my feelings of despair, misery and every other thing that wasn't getting me anywhere so I am choosing the "hokiness" (tongue in cheek).
Also, I have never been a very good complainer. I always find the positives and move on. It has been hard to do so about my SL because I keep looking for things from H that he just won't seem to jump on my bandwagon and provide (and I just stand there with my hands in the air and say "Why not???"). So the standing up for my POV has ended up equated to complaining, nagging and such in my mind and I have resisted that too. Yeah - it is time for anarchy. My red silk dress, red briefcase, erotic literature illustration was about this. I may just start vamping around in lingerie again too - whether or not H notices. I stopped when he looked right past me but that was my bad because that stuff is for ME (and for him if he likes it, if he doesn't fcuk him).
So the standing up for my POV has ended up equated to complaining, nagging and such in my mind
I think this is very important, karen. Look at this.
You said you equate expressing your POV with complaining.
I know you know this is not true, but this feeling lurks anyway.
I'll bet you don't feel this way at work. I'll bet your POV is something you express cleanly and clearly, and that your colleagues take you seriously.
I'm surmising that expressing your POV at home has a whole different flavor. Even the comment you made about decorating is revealing-- if you came home and wanted to change the drapes or something, would your H say, "What's wrong with THESE drapes that I picked out?" That doesn't leave much room for YOU, does it? Where are you in the home? Where are you in your life?
I think this tack is work pondering.
My POV = complaining
Is there a time/place/circumstance AT HOME when your POV doesn't feel like complaining? Does your H treat your opinions as complaints? Is this from childhood?
Actually, H treats my opinions as marching orders. I made one comment about how the wires all over our bedroom from the stereo & speakers bothered me. I was thinking we might look for some kind of cabinet for it. The next thing I knew H took it to Goodwill & got a little ipod dock to use for music. When I commented "Wow - what happened to the stereo (boom box) he said - you told me you hated it." "I said what my internt has been & he said, "You said you hated it. I took care of it." (very case closed. That kind of reactiveness leads me to feeling like a whiner and a b*tch.
That marching orders thing is interesting. My late H was like that, too. I would bring something up as an opener to a discussion, and he took it as gospel handed down from the mountain top. I always assumed it was because his first wife was a major general type. She didn't have opinions, she gave orders. If she said, "the grass is getting a little tall," that MEANT "go mow the grass!" If I said, "The grass is getting a little tall" it could mean anything... it might mean, "wow, that looks cool, I'd like to go lie down in it." I used to tell him over and over again, "I don't want to be the CEO in this R."
Bf does this to some extent, treating my comments as marching orders, then getting mad at me for being "demanding."
Hmmm... maybe this is why I related to that comment of yours.
Hi Karen, I took your thread title as a silly jab at "The Secret" and not at the idea of positive thinking! And some times a little hokiness can be fun as long as you don't take it too seriously.
I plan to post more on SuperDave's thread about my opinion of "The Secret" but here is a link to an excerpt of her book if anyone is curious to read her exact words. The Secret Excerpt This direct reading of an excerpt is why I find "The Secret" to be useless compared to Carnegie, Ziglar and many others. (Lillie, "The Art of Possibility" by Benjamin and Rosalind Zander is one you might enjoy also. He is a conductor and she is a psychologist.)
In a nutshell the scientist took people and had them classify themselves as lucky, unlucky or neither. He then gave the lucky and unlucky people money to buy lottery tickets. No difference in winning in the groups. THEN he tested each person by giving them a newspaper and asking them to count the number of pictures in the newspaper. On the second or third page he placed an ad that read "Stop counting. There are XX pictures." Yep, you guessed it. Somehow the lucky people were much more likely to see this ad. Now the FACTS are that that ad was there for EVERYONE to see. There was no LUCK involved only whether you pay attention.
Of course not all the lucky people saw the ad and not all the unlucky people missed it (which seems counterintuitive to Rhonda Byrne's "Law" of attraction but I digress )
So Karen - what are your internal and external sexiness ratings today??
I'm heading home tonight to see Raven and mine are moving up quickly
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Also, I have never been a very good complainer. I always find the positives and move on. It has been hard to do so about my SL because I keep looking for things from H that he just won't seem to jump on my bandwagon and provide (and I just stand there with my hands in the air and say "Why not???"). So the standing up for my POV has ended up equated to complaining, nagging and such in my mind and I have resisted that too. Yeah - it is time for anarchy. My red silk dress, red briefcase, erotic literature illustration was about this. I may just start vamping around in lingerie again too - whether or not H notices. I stopped when he looked right past me but that was my bad because that stuff is for ME (and for him if he likes it, if he doesn't fcuk him).
Karen,
The thing to remember is that even if your cr*p sexual relationship is fully 50% your fault, it's really okay and healthy to want to be sexual. By analogy, if your H and you cooked breakfast together and he ruined the eggs and you burnt the toast, you don't have to stand around forever scraping off black junk and pretending like the eggs taste good. Can you see how it would be freeing for both of you if you were able to say "This sucks. I'm going to IHOP. Are you coming?" without any expectations regarding his answer.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
(Karen) If I allow hokiness (in my emotional makeup that would be akin to buying into the "power of positive thinking" lock, stock and barrel) it may lead to cavalierness, patriotism,...
Like Hairdog, I've become too subtle.
Being in this area when I read "Inviting hokiness in my life" I thought, "Karen must have a new cabana boy who's a Virginia Tech grad." (For those who don't know, Virginia Tech's nickname is Hokies.) That could lead to inviting Cavalierness (Univ of Virginia) or Patriotism (George Mason University, about five minutes from where I work) into your life next.
Extending that theme, you may be in for some future Spiderishness, Tribalism and Colonialism. You could fall victim to Terrapinism but I don't imagine you staying in your shell for very long.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
it just really irks my azz that someone like DOMR... who isn't even IN am SSM can come along and spout JESUS/BIBLE at you..
Corri... you're incredibly wrong there. I have been the HD in an HD/LD marriage for 8+ years.
It seems like what really "irks your azz", is that I'm talking about the bible as a tool to help with an SSM.
If you dont believe in the bible, and you dont think it is a relevant tool for YOUR relationships... ok, fine, that's your own personal choice. I have no intention of bringing it up on any of YOUR threads Kindly dont get in the way of other people discussing it in their own, though.
Karen believes in it, and her husband believes in it, so it seems right FOR HER marriage, to discuss it as a potential source of help.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
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