Tired and giving up

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi everyone,
My apologies for not posting in a while. I have been really busy with my work, house, etc. We have put the house up for sale. I can't afford it by myself and my H doesn't seem to interested in living here even if we did reconcile. My work has been keeping me hopping. Hopefully it will begin to pay off soon. My S13 and D8 are doing ok. D8 has been really missing her dad, cries alot at night. He hasn't been home since he left on January 1. If I ask, then it's "why do you have to question me? I'll be home soon". He says something about the drive, it's 11 hours one way but last week he drove to Yuma, AZ with his brother to go camping for 2 days and didn't seem to mind the drive then. I guess it comes down to priorities.

I don't feel that he's in contact with the OW any more. Atleast I hope not. I'm trying to move on with my life but it's been hard. He's angry and hurt over my behavior and actions but doesn't seem to think any thing he's done is a problem since my actions are so much worse. I have fully acknowledged and apologized several times to him. That doesn't seem to matter either. It seems he would rather hold on to his "reasons" so that he can justify why he isn't here. I am so sick of it. He says he wants me to "allow" things to happen instead of "making" things happen. I just hope that by the time he is ready to move forward (if ever) I will still be around.

I am so bogged down with stress. I am trying to have faith and a PMA but it's really hard when you are barely staying afloat financially and your M is pretty much nonexistent. He's still not working, says he knows he has to go back to work but doens't actually do it. If I say something about needing help, then it's "bashing him". Sometimes I feel like just saying to heck with it but I can't. I have to email him tomorrow about the housepayment. This month he was late transferring the payment so that I could make it and we ended up with over 200 dollars in late payments. That really upsets me as we don't have the money for late payments. I keep praying that one of my cases will pay off soon. I feel like he is just hoping that will happen to. I don't get it as he has never been lazy ever.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the downer. Yesterday was a difficult day and I am still feeling it. He said that he would be home not this weekend but the next. I am debating over whether I should be here. I am thinking about leaving when he arrives and not being here while he is here. It's painful for me to be around him when he is so cold and distant and makes no effort to be closer.