Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[JennyF]

Thanks for all of your support guys and for encouraging me not to give up.

Regarding the D, in Canada you can not file for D until minimum of one year after separation. That means we can't even look at one until Sept this year. I guess that's why I'm having a hard time with the house issue because really, that's as close as we can get to a D right now legally.

Having said that, it ain't over 'til it's over right?
I had a conversation with my sister about it today and she was quite supportive this time.
I was really honest about my feelings of not wanting to completely let go of the hope for him and for us. She encouraged me that letting all of this go including the finances and the house is just allowing him to find his way.
And when I think about, she's totall right. Just because we sell the house or I buy him out, doesn't mean that we can't reconcile.
But for some reason it does feel like I'm on the threshold of really believing that is over and still holding out hope.

This AGAIN, comes back to the same old DB principles. Make myself ok no matter what the outcome. I have posted this over and over again, but it makes perfect sense and I'm really needing the reminder right now. As usual I don't know who the original poster was, so I apologise...

Dropping the rope is not something you do.
It is a place that you reach.

You reach it when although you still love your spouse and would still like to see the marriage restored, you have begun to live for yourself happily again.

You drop the rope at the exact moment you know in your gut and in your soul that you ARE okay and further, that you will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.

So this is threshold. And so I give myself credit for being this close to truly letting go. It is what will give us the best chance at reconciliation, but is necessary either way. It makes so much sense when you lay it all out. I can talk it until I'm blue in the face, but separating my heart from these facts is a much harder thing to do.
Again, I come back to another oldie but a goodie...

"Feelings are not facts..... My Chief task therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behavior sound and go by what I KNOW, not how I FEEL."

Just call me the "QUOTE QUEEN"!

I feel like I'm at a better place today than I was last night. I have some research to do regarding the house issue so I can make the best possible decision for myself and my kids.
I'm glad H is being civol and is finally doing things appropriately. Although it was a little easier to handle when he was being alien boy because I could explain it all away. But this too is hopefully part of his cycling behaviour. More evidence that I have to remove myself from him to allow him to do whatever it is he is going to do.

I can't wait to get into my counselling session on Thursday! Between that and Yoga I've really got to get myself centred again.
Thanks again for everyone's support.
J~

[JennyF]

D gave me a run for my $$ tonight! A 45 minute marathon to get her into bed. Normally she is good as gold but I'm finding she's really been acting out with me.
A combination of what is going on and of course, just being 3.

She keeps saying I want my Daddy to come home. Ouch.
I hope that the new routine beginning next week will start to create some consistancy for her. Although I am worried that there is too much back forth for a real consistant routine. But H feels that time with him is more important for her than the consistancy. He thinks we create the consistancy by ensuring we both keep the routines no matter where she is, but I know it's a balance of both.

H is in Vegas now from tomorrow until Sunday. I'm glad he's gone because I don't want to see him, but I know D will be going on and on for the next 6 days about it and it so hard to know what to say.
Anyway, CFB will be in Vegas too I'm sure. This is the trip last year that started it all!! Yuck.

I can feel my strength building again. I need to focus on getting myself organized now with regards to my finances and other things.
AND...I have to plan my D's b-day party for Saturday!!!
Lots of fun stuff!
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

HI JF--

You sound good. I know a DB success story- my sister. Her and her H never lived apart, but they got very close to seperating. They went to one of the seminars. My sister had a very hard time with the concepts of DBIng, but her husband was all over it. He has some great insight and I will share some of what he shared with me. He says if D is not what you want then fight for your marriage. If you don't want to sell the house right now you don't have to. You can tell your H calmly and without emotion that this is not what you want. You wanted your marriage to work and you wanted to raise your children with both parents around. You need some time to process this. You need some time to deal with the fact that your marriage is ending and you need some time to prepare your children. Let him know that you will keep in mind what he has presented. GO DARK. GO VERY DARK. Employ the last resort technique. Go dark not with the intention of getting him back, but rather with the intention of protecting yourself and getting past this chaos and turmoil. Stick to the visitation schedule and by all means don't call H for anythinig other than the children. For me talking to H is too hard. If I need to communicate anything I text. I keep it about S. I can't see H. Seeing him just makes me distraught with emotion. When H drops son off as soon as I hear the key in the door or I hear the bell ringing I go flying up the stairs into the bathroom. I pretend that I am in the shower. If you are a praying person then stop praying for H to come and start praying for the strength to deal with whatever may come. See how going dark works. Try this and take some time to think about how you might proceed. Looks like you really don't have to make any decisions until September. Don't make it hard for H, but don't make it easy. He made it about him, now turn it around and make it about you. Let him wait while you figure it out.

[blindsided1]

Jenny - sorry to see D acting out. It is probably a combination of everything. You do sound pretty strong today. Don't let H bully you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. Didn't you tell me that you were reading a bood about raising children through Divorce? If so, what do they say about the bouncing around? Just curious. I'm sorry that your D misses her Daddy. They SHOULD be home with their families.

[JennyF]

hopetoworkitout,
I have been LRT'ing since I found DB...3 months now. I have gone "dim" with H. Because of the kids and my S being only 3 months old, we've had to communicate quite a bit. But there is little to no friendly conversation. It is quite civil and we share the odd smile over the kids, but it is like I'm looking at a stranger most of the time.
The last couple times I saw him we actually talked a bit more about friends and stuff.

But something has been slowing occuring to me...so here goes yet another confession!
As much as I want to believe I'm letting go, I'm still holding onto the hope so tightly, that still seeing as possibility. Because I want there to be possibility, I'm still focused quite a bit on H.
I'm good when I'm around him (I've had a couple emotional moments giving up S), but other than that I haven't cried or talked about the R since S was a week old. He knows I'm having a hard time with this, and he knows I don't want it, but he is really starting to believe I've accepted it. That is another reason he is trying to push selling the house...if I delay this, he thinks it's because I have hope. Maybe it partially is. I guess in reality I just think he is moving WAY too fast with these major decisions.
So...what's my confession? I am still REALLY absorbed with with believing that he is so messed up and just needs time before he shakes out of it.

If you are a praying person then stop praying for H to come and start praying for the strength to deal with whatever may come.

Have you been eavesdropping on my prayers? I pray for both, but I pray many times a day for my H. It's all I want and all I can focus on. And I have to stop this. It's paralyzing me.

I'm getting there I suppose. If he wasn't moving so quickly I could probably sit back and relax a bit. But on the other hand...he IS moving quickly right? If he is in some kind of life crisis then maybe he's just moving right along through it. I knew it was going to get worse, so I have to accept this as part of the process and be glad that it is moving along toward it's conclusion. But I have to get it out of my head that it is a foregone conclusion that we will be back together. I need to file that feeling in my heart and get on with MY life.
It is all so easy to say, but any second my mind has to wander...that's where it is.

What I want to do now is just spend the next couple weeks looking at my options for buying the house. I think once that decision is made (either way) I can then just settle into this routine and let H do the same. Hopefully the small talk continues and I get the chance to do some realy DB'ing.
Also...something I noticed was H checking out my butt a little while ago. I've lost all the baby weight and then some so I'm looking a lot better than I have in a long time.
I plan on starting Yoga next week and my Mom is loaning me her treadmill...so I'm going to get buff! If the small talk continues and he keeps checking out my butt we could be headed in the right direction!!!
Anyway...what I'm saying is that I need to settle in to my new life and start to look at the possibilities for me and the kids (without H)...and in the meantime let fate run it's course.
Tomorrow I see my H and I can't wait to discuss this letting go with him. I hope he has some insight for me!
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

OK so JF here is my confession-- I am holding out hope 2. I think most of us are. And you should be holding out hope. It has only been four or five months for you and what would your marriage have been worth to you if after five months you lost hope. If you had put someone else in my shoes and told me their H was doing what my H was doing to me I would have told them to get out. You could have never in a million years told me this would happen to me and I would actually be fighting. It's true and unconditional love and it surpasses ego and it surpasses pride. It's OK to tell your H that this is not what you want. Don't beg or plead or cry, but very unemotionally tell him this is not what you want. Let him know that he has given you quite a bit to deal with on top of being a new mom all over. You choose not to deal with it right now. Tell him you willl most certainly have a definitive answer for him by or before 9/10/08 when it's time to file. At this point you need him to back off to give you some space because you have a lot to think about. This worked for my H. It worked so well that when I tried to bring up D the a few weeks ago he did not want to talk about it. My stance is I got too much other crap to deal with like finishing school. I hope he does not file, but if he does I am going to constest it at least till I graduate. Not because I am holding out hope (which is what he would love to believe), but rather because school is more important than dealing with his crisis. I don't need him screwing that for me too. Take your time and do what is best for your kids. Who cares what he wants or when he wants it. Make it about you.

[JennyF]

Tomorrow I see my H and I can't wait to discuss this letting go with him. I hope he has some insight for me!

Just realized what I typed!! I meant to say see my C, not H.

hopetoworkitout...thanks. I have a lot to think about over the next week, I appreciate you feedback.
J~

[blindsided1]

We all hold out hope. It's really hard when you don't see any progress going in the direction you want it to. I feel the same way. I don't know how you do it sometimes, Jenny. It's hard to understand how someone you have been with for so many years can walk away so fast. He probably has a lot of deep feelings for you. How could he not? I would bet that he is forcing himself to push them down so he doesn't have to deal with them. Hang in there. You're going to be fine, either way.

[not an ex yet]

Tomorrow I see my H and I can't wait to discuss this letting go with him. I hope he has some insight for me!

Just realized what I typed!! I meant to say see my C, not H.

Good, you had me worried for a minute!!

[Mom of 2 2B]

Hi JennyF,

Once again, our sitches sound very similar. I haven't been online in more than a week b/c I'm pretty convinced it's over. I have the same questions you do- now that we're working on a separation agreement, is it worthwhile to DB? Do I really want to bother? My resentment and anger is just now coming to the surface b/c I feel like my efforts have been for naught.

I could have written your post.

Best wishes,
MO2