Karen, The attitude shift you are expeiencing is not random or capricious. It is borne from the hard work of walking through the muck, while dropping expectation and keeping an open mind. If you stay with the process, you get to a better place. It's true we are brought here by negativity, and we do kvetch, a lot. I believe that to be a necessary step, but it's not the only step that happens here. Beyond the emotional support, we provide each other with insights, knowledge, opinion, and debate, which can serve to propel us in new directions, some which turn out to be dead ends or even wrong turns. Eventually, however, a clearer path can emerge which somehow feels right, at least for a given period of time, and that is what I wish for you, and I see you getting there.
There are plenty of reasons why people come and go here, temporarily or permanently. Participating on this board is time consuming endeavor, so once you scale a large pice of the mountain, you feel less likely to want to turn back and start again. It can be draining, too, watching others decide to come here and start their trek. And if you make it part way up, well, that's an accomplishment in and of itself, and so it is nice to take a rest and regroup. Another mountain can start looming in front of you, while the relationship mountain becomes a less urgent place to traverse. And if you've hit too many dead ends, the board, after all, may not be the best way of travel.
My personal feeling here is that if I were a better multi-tasker,and had unlimited time and motivation, I could continue to find opportunities to grow from the interactions here.
I'm going to say something you... and it is going to come out in good ole' Corri fashion... sigh.
Okay. If there are two polar opposites on this board, it is you and I. You are SOOO caring, so giving, so nurturing... so KIND... it just really irks my azz that someone like DOMR... who isn't even IN am SSM can come along and spout JESUS/BIBLE at you.. when he very CLEARLY has not gone back to read your history.
So. I stand behind my 'fck you' statement to him. (No offense, DOM R, you just wear my azz out and I can only take so much).
Yet, Karen, you come in and SOOOO diplomatically say thank you to me, and defend HIM all in the same paragraph. I scratch my head, and wonder how you actually pull that off.... and sit and say to myself... 'fck me, how'd she do that?'
And then I realize... it's because... you wouldn't say 'fck you' if your mouth was full of it. You might say all kinds of OTHER things... but not that.
In the absence of you being able to say 'fck you,' your H has crowded out your cow to become Mr. Cow... he's being Mr. Host to anyone who comes along... and you are being Mr. Karen, saying... 'when am I going to get fcked...???' but... still being all Nice Cow about it.
Honey. At some point, you are going to have to do a reclaimation project over your territory... kwis? And it is going to require a Lioness "FCK YOU, BACK OFF FROM MY DOMAIN." You are SO accommodating and nonconfrontational, that this man has horned in on your territory... so YOU are this non-sexual being who hangs out on the edges, having babies... and then THIS GUY takes it all over because you don't STOP HIM.
I started thinking about this tonight, after I sent you that link to the "Interview with God," thing... and like... an hour after, I thought... jesus... whoa!!!! Karen, being devotional and relaxed and beauty and whatnot... has NEVER, EVER been the problem... I've never known Karen to be anything OTHER THAN those things...
so I'm sitting here, think, think, thinking... now... I know you are not the other extreme (Corri)... but yowzers... you have a Mr. Mom on your hands because you aren't just a tad bit MORE Corri... kwis? And not in the bedroom, either... it's in all other facets of your life... simply because... you DON'T want to rock the boat... it IS your second marriage... you DON'T want to fail at number two... so... whatever it is he needs to do... okay... that's how HE is... that's what HE wants...
Uhm. Hello. Karen? Is there a Karen in the House? Is there a Karen BOUNDARY in the HOUSE?
YOU tell him when to cook. YOU tell him when to clean. YOU tell him when to fetch kids, take out garbage, hold the baby, call the neighbors for a night over, when he can or can't watch Sports Center, etc., etc., etc.,... because YOU are Ms. Cow.... and ALL of that falls under Ms. Cow domain...
But that isn't what happens in Karen Household. HE is the one who calls the shots. Isn't he?
And that is okay, if the two of you have agreed upon it... but you haven't. He just DOES it. And you don't stop him. You couldn't say 'fck you, back off," if your mouth was full of it.
You are diplomatically, very nicely... screwing yourself out of a sex life.
But I still maintain that we would have things to talk about even if we were all getting laid regularly and happily. ;\)
Really? Corri challenge to the SSM board. Starting on Thursday, no one is allowed to talk about sex or relationships for two weeks, regardless if anyone is getting laid regularly and happily. Even by phone.
Really? Corri challenge to the SSM board. Starting on Thursday, no one is allowed to talk about sex or relationships for two weeks, regardless if anyone is getting laid regularly and happily. Even by phone.
Ready. Go.
Two weeks huh? Ok...lets see...um...Jokes!! yea jokes will work...
"What would happen if the Pilgrims would have killed cats instead of turkeys?" ....Nope, I can't use that one, it talks of sex.
Ok, try this one..."What did one lesbian frog say to the other?" Aww sh!t!..I can't use that one either
Alright, I think I got one...."What did the banana say to the vibr..." Nevermind, I've got nothing...I'll see you guys in 2 weeks
There is a time... to move away from this place. Others might speak of it here. Hairdog has certainly done it. Marleto has moved on. Blackfoot. Stig. Honeypot. GEL. Heather. ATLANTADAVE. Aching Man. The Nops. Far more than that. Don't poke at me Lil. I am not saying any ONE person is bad. There is just a time to move on. Karen was only alluding to it.
Are you feeling like it is time for you to move on Corri? I've taken many breaks from this board. It does help. So I get what you are saying. But Lil makes an interesting point. Why do you care if people are still here posting? I've noticed you telling people several times to take a break or leave the boards. I'm sure you mean well but that is not your place. Just my opinion of course. You come off very bossy sometimes. And I like you, don't get me wrong. I find you very interesting. Your posts have often been very helpful to me. But you do seem to have this personality shift that is quite obvious on these boards. Lil tends to point this out more than others, but I think others have mentioned it too. We all have issues Corri. I think it is good to give others feedback and different perspectives on this board, but I don't think it is our place to tell people how to go about healing themselves and their R/M's or to directly tell them to leave the boards. I just find it interesting that you take that approach. That's all. And you know me...I tend to just say what I think on here. Gets me into trouble sometimes too. Hope everything is ok with you.
Thanks - yeah I feel that sometimes I participate on the board to the detriment of other stuff - like actual DOING.
Burg,
I am not as tightly controlled emotionally IRL as I seem on this board. I am given to bouts of darkness, self pity, anger, frustration etc... I have taught myself through many years of effort to recognize that my feelings arise from my thoughts and that no one can MAKE me feel or DO anything - it comes from me. I have identified the things that are in my locus of control (Dom misses this one) and those that are not.
If I allow hokiness (in my emotional makeup that would be akin to buying into the "power of positive thinking" lock, stock and barrel) it may lead to cavalierness, patriotism, rampant individualism, alcoholism (kidding), or any of a number of things but I'm kinda sick of myself so hokiness sounds good and along with that more private creative and meditation time sounds good so I am reclaiming some personal space in our home to do just that. Your wryness is noted and I stand by whacky sense of the missing ingredients in the fabulously rich dessert that is me!
Really? Corri challenge to the SSM board. Starting on Thursday, no one is allowed to talk about sex or relationships for two weeks, regardless if anyone is getting laid regularly and happily. Even by phone.
Ready. Go.
I don't think anyone will take/make that challenge. We are primates so we groom each other and f*ck. We also have verbal abilities and the ability to think abstractly so we communicate with each other about past/present/future grooming and f*cking activities. We also have modern technology and lifestyles so we have the ability to communicate with like-minded interesting people in virtual forums such as this. If I was just complaining and not taking any action in the real world I would think that was a problem. Sometimes I do think that I should interact with "real" people more but I have a lifelong tendency to frequently choose the company of "non-real" people such as Jane Austen over the company of my peers (and the topic of most novels is sex ad relationships) AND most "real" people are at work b*tching with others around the water cooler about whatever while I'm self-employed during the day. Since I'm currently rather broke and living in Michigan the conversational topics of money and weather are kind of depressing. I guess we could talk about the election or movies. I don't like Hilary and I LOVED "Juno".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm going to say something you... and it is going to come out in good ole' Corri fashion... sigh. _____________________________________________________________
I used to have a friend who expressed herself like you. I miss her. It is good to have someone around who just says what they think and d@mn the torpedos. Even when I disagree it rarely hurts my feelings. I'm not a hot house flower.
Okay. If there are two polar opposites on this board, it is you and I. You are SOOO caring, so giving, so nurturing... so KIND... it just really irks my azz that someone like DOMR... who isn't even IN am SSM can come along and spout JESUS/BIBLE at you.. when he very CLEARLY has not gone back to read your history.
So. I stand behind my 'fck you' statement to him. (No offense, DOM R, you just wear my azz out and I can only take so much). ________________________________________________________________
Oh, he's trying to help. I admire that he continues to mess with my thread at all when it is clear that I have very obstinately decided that I will take the path I want when I want and not until. All comers are free to make suggestions and I am free to take them. Or not.
Yet, Karen, you come in and SOOOO diplomatically say thank you to me, and defend HIM all in the same paragraph. I scratch my head, and wonder how you actually pull that off.... and sit and say to myself... 'fck me, how'd she do that?'
And then I realize... it's because... you wouldn't say 'fck you' if your mouth was full of it. You might say all kinds of OTHER things... but not that. ________________________________________________________________
I can but rarely. There are a few phrases/thoughts that to me signify "I am done with you" and fcuk you has always been one of them. My ex-H used to freely utilize that word with me. I have told current H on more than one occasion that he can use fcuk in any sentance (as I often do) with me except "fcuk you" and it is hard for him since he likes to say it frequently and I have stopped discussions cold in which he has chosen to say fcuk you. He can say fcuk that, that is fcuking stupid or any number of things but I don't say fcuk you unless I am done with you and I ask the same courtesy of him. Funny thing is I say GD with regularity and he NEVER does. I know you don't mean this literally but it is funny how what you say actually does play out literally too.
In the absence of you being able to say 'fck you,' your H has crowded out your cow to become Mr. Cow... he's being Mr. Host to anyone who comes along... and you are being Mr. Karen, saying... 'when am I going to get fcked...???' but... still being all Nice Cow about it.
Honey. At some point, you are going to have to do a reclaimation project over your territory... kwis? And it is going to require a Lioness "FCK YOU, BACK OFF FROM MY DOMAIN." You are SO accommodating and nonconfrontational, that this man has horned in on your territory... so YOU are this non-sexual being who hangs out on the edges, having babies... and then THIS GUY takes it all over because you don't STOP HIM.
I started thinking about this tonight, after I sent you that link to the "Interview with God," thing... and like... an hour after, I thought... jesus... whoa!!!! Karen, being devotional and relaxed and beauty and whatnot... has NEVER, EVER been the problem... I've never known Karen to be anything OTHER THAN those things...
so I'm sitting here, think, think, thinking... now... I know you are not the other extreme (Corri)... but yowzers... you have a Mr. Mom on your hands because you aren't just a tad bit MORE Corri... kwis? And not in the bedroom, either... it's in all other facets of your life... simply because... you DON'T want to rock the boat... it IS your second marriage... you DON'T want to fail at number two... so... whatever it is he needs to do... okay... that's how HE is... that's what HE wants...
Uhm. Hello. Karen? Is there a Karen in the House? Is there a Karen BOUNDARY in the HOUSE?
YOU tell him when to cook. YOU tell him when to clean. YOU tell him when to fetch kids, take out garbage, hold the baby, call the neighbors for a night over, when he can or can't watch Sports Center, etc., etc., etc.,... because YOU are Ms. Cow.... and ALL of that falls under Ms. Cow domain...
But that isn't what happens in Karen Household. HE is the one who calls the shots. Isn't he?
And that is okay, if the two of you have agreed upon it... but you haven't. He just DOES it. And you don't stop him. You couldn't say 'fck you, back off," if your mouth was full of it.
You are diplomatically, very nicely... screwing yourself out of a sex life.
I know, I know... sorry... _____________________________________________________________
Don't apologize. I think you have a point here. It took me a very long time to work in any of my own sense of personal style into our home because H owned it before we met. It still doesn't look like it would if my cow were given full reign to make choices. However, when we make home improvements then H lets me choose style, color etc... as long as he doesn't hate it. I have been feeling the need to be more domestic in my home, I'm good at it and I don't get to do that much of it in my home because as you say, H does a lot of it and I have become awfully powerful in my workplace. Yes H is Mr. Cow and I am like already pregnant female bovine who lacks any sexual identity because she's already knocked up. KIWM??? I spend all my time working or mothering the babies and H has become domestic Goddess of the home. In the bedroom I get two identities lioness or bunny. Lioness works for both of us and bunny works for no one.
Journey, you are so much more civilized than I am. That's why I love ya!
Corri, you make a good point. Maybe karen is being too reasonable, understanding, and civilized. Maybe some anarchy and revolution is in order. Set fire to the barricades... march in the streets... get out the score to Les Miz! (I'm seriously agreeing with you, corri.)
karen, I gotta say it bothered me when you used the word "hokiness" from the beginning. It's a word that devalues and discounts. It puts you "above" the millions of people who, from the days of Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie, and Zig Ziglar, have found "positive thinking" to be of value. To go into this with this attitude is like saying, "This is a dumb, stupid home remedy used by the unwashed masses to delude themselves, but I've run out of options, so I might as well lower myself to their level and give it a try. Where do I buy the holy water and the magic beads?" Do you see what I mean?
I feel for you... I really do. But can you try this new way of thinking with more wholeheartedness and less cynicism?
There was someone here a while back whom I encouraged to have a screaming hissy fit on the board, to flush out some of the jumbled emotions. I can't remember who it was. :eyeroll: But maybe it would help you to locate some anger and really let it out in a journal or while you're in the car or something.
You're very quick to understand, make excuses, and pack yourself back in the box... who's sticking up for YOU YOU YOU and your pov. Just an idea.
There would be absolutely NO point in going two weeks without talking about our R problems. However, if we had a thread where R talk was forbidden, I'm sure it would go on and on for a long time. Heck I could talk about my pets indefinitely (and about the Prof-- he doesn't count because he's not an R... yet. )
And I like you, don't get me wrong. I find you very interesting. Your posts have often been very helpful to me. But you do seem to have this personality shift that is quite obvious on these boards. Lil tends to point this out more than others, but I think others have mentioned it too. 
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