All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Thanks Seek, Jen & 25 yrs

Seek, I also work very long hours, but like you have always thought I put my H first and tried to make us a priority.

25yrs - Thanks for your post, I think you are actually right with everything you have said:

I can dig deep and face the pain and try and work on my issues at least I would feel I had something constructive to think about.

What was your H doing at his MLC peak that reminded you of my H?

I agree that my H is being so selfish. Not just atm, but when I look back at things the signs were there.

Yes, 1st H only sees the girls during the holidays, but they have jobs now, so it is becoming less & less. They don't really want to go and visit that much either. He has promised holidays abroad that have never come off etc etc.

My H made a comment that he would never be like my 1st H. But I don't think that he can see that by leaving me, he is abandoning his kids? He seems to think he is there for them and I agree he is there for them more now emotionally, but physically he's not. He wasn't there last night when I had to get up to both boys in the night, he wasn't there the other night when S1 had a bad day at school and then had a nightmare about it. He thinks that by coming round at 7.00 am in the morning to do a bit of reading and then take boys to school and to have them stay over at his place 4 nights a fortnight is not abandoning them?

I wasn't consciously looking for a workaholic husband, i'm quite happy for the simpler life. In fact I have read alot about how we like to have the same kind of marriage as our parents. My parents were not perfect, mom imho worked too much and was never at home during the holidays, neither were that loving, they didn't have a social life and very rarely went out. I think subconsciously I was trying to re-create that relationship where every spare moment we spent together and didn't go out and I think I saw it as a rejection of me that H couldn't settle at home and always wanted to be out of the house.

In our early years of living together, we were renovating the houses we moved into. After those projects finished, i believe H has become bored.

I don't know how it became that I became the parent to his child. I feel I have been a single parent for the last 4 years and carried him along with the rest of the family.


As for triggers, could be a series of small events, like the kids, baby 4 was unplanned, my XH?.

His Mom died recently after we moved in togther, i think it was in May 94/95. She had suffered from Cancer for years. H went to the Dr for meds, but never took them, I never saw him cry or grieve and he never talked about it.

His parents also divorced when he was 13, he believed his Dad was too blame, but his mom had had affair/affairs and dad walked out. he was full of promises that never came off and he was unreliable as a father and still is imho. We don't get on. He suffers from depression and as far as I know he still takes meds. H has said that from his father he has learnt from him how not to be a dad.

He is putting even more hours in at work than ever and has said he would like to go to yoga on a Tuesday night so cannot take S1 to his activity. I don't begrudge him any time to himself, but he still doesn't see that he's putting work before his family?

I agree my husbands career didn't change when I had the boys. I don't have a career, I have a job and i've had numerous jobs since I met H, albeit they were progressively better jobs because he supported me and believed in me. I made a decision to change jobs after baby no4 was born, (however, I regret this decision now, I had a good job with prospects). I wanted to go part time and have more time with the family, looking back now I don't think H was that supportive. After 5 months I went full time, plus i still do all the accounts for our small business so i probably work 6+ days a week. I still don't think it's enough for H? I feel he has really high expectations of me (and himself and the family). He doesn't seem to appreciate exactly how hard i work and that really upsets and angers me.

Yesterday for example, H was on a course, but before the course started he was reading the paper. There was job advertised in one our of countries top papers (The Times) for a PA's job in London. H texted me and told me to have a look in the paper, he said I should put a letter into our employer for more money. Then another text off him to say 'YOUR UNDERPAID'. The fact is that London salaries are higher than where we are b/c the cost of living is so much more expensive, so it's all relative. Ok my job may be boring and I might be underpaid ( I recently had a pay rise, but he doesn't that)but when weighing the prons and cons, the pros outweigh the cons and atm i need all the flexibility I cant get, plus my boss is very understanding and supportive. My kids come first, I can't have a career when I can't rely on H to be there for them or me.

My H was very happy at the birth of our 1st Son. 2nd son was unplanned, although H seemed happy enough at the time, when i look back this is when I can pin point our probelms starting. H said it takes 2 to make a baby, I felt he blamed me - I had come off the contraceptive pill and asked him to have a vascetomy, which he wouldn't do. We got away with it for a few months and I believed that we both thought it was our last chance to get pregnant and if it happened it happened.

Neither of us bonded that well at the beginning with S2, but H says now he wouldn't be without him and the boys are his life.

H seemed happiest to me in the beginning, when we weren't married, didn't have so much responsibility, the girls went to their dads alternate weekends and we had more time on our own. Buying the property abroad has finiancially crippled us although we still have a very good standard of living.

I feel as if the last four years I have been trying to stop a dam from busting, that i was working against the tide.

There just seems too much that H seems resentful for, for him too forgive and move forward with me. He says it's nothing I have done and isn't my fault?

Any advice appreciated

X Dis