Sorry to dampen the fire which burns within you, but the question you poses is a bit like your previous idea to ask your W to to show OM the DR book. It's best left alone while you focus on yourself. When W is ready to finish with OM she'll do so in her own time.
On the other hand you could set your boundary and tell W if she keeps contact with OM it would seriously affect your relationship with her, and see where that gets you. (more likely to push her closer to him).
IMHO, you're thinking too far ahead, concentrate on the immediate you and keep W looking in your direction.
Feeling so angry today. It is unfair! I know that this thinking wont get me anywhere, but cant help it sometimes. I should have cooled off by the time I see her tonight.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
I share your feelings (see my thread). Images of W with OM fills my head and I can't get them out. I am trying to stay diligent in my efforts, and I would encourage you to do so as well. It is not easy for any of us, but I truly believe it is the right thing to do.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
feel much calmer now. Just seeing my wife can calm me down. She has been working late alot recently. Part of it I know is her reluctance to come home as she thinks I am going to start R talk. But cant help thinking what is going on as the `Act` happened with OM when they were working late. Thats what made me angry today. That she wont stop seeing him, even though she knows it is hurting me. My friend today said I should just go to the office and break OMs legs and then tell his wife what a creep he is. Tempting today... very tepmting. Cant say that it would help my sitch though! I will just leave that idea on the back burner in case she eventually leaves me! (Just kidding!.... probably!)
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Sorry to hear you are in that situation, I am in a similar predicament and can relate to the pain. Even OM is now in another country. The thought of him being intimate with my wife, doing her in her favorite position or the sound of her moaning is unbearable. I relived that thought by writing this post but I am doing an intense effort to grab another thought any other thought.
Easier said than done, the image sometimes still creeps in.
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
The only saving grace for me as far as the images go, is that I asked her about the details. I asked her how it was... her answer was `i dont know`, I said `what do you mean you dont know?`, she replied that it all was just so quick to finish! So whilst I am hurting alot about this, I dont need to worry about him being better than me. Haha. On a serious note, I am sure that they are continueing an EA, but not going to have sex again. They are probably still hugging and possibly still kissing, but I think that it might be in the back of my Ws mind that he could be using her. And she wont like that thought, she will push that thought away most of the time, but it is there. She admits that this guy is going through a midlife crisis, and she admits that she would be a nice trophy for him, if he was using her. He has told her before that he knows the guys in a different department think she is nice/sexy. I just hope he didnt tell anyone about her. If he hurts her then I will really break his legs!
Feeling calmer today. Hope it lasts. W and I will go to the cinema tonight. Might try to eat out as well.
I am trying to act happy, sometimes I actually feel happy. Last week we were kind of flirting a little because I wanted to kiss her, but she was playing (very) hard to get. Nothing came of it. She says she doesnt want to kiss me as she thinks I will be able to feel there is no feeling behind her kiss, so she doesnt want me to be upset. I can wait. Then the next night we had R talks and things went sour. So I have been slowly trying to build back up to that mood between us again.
I have been being quite attentive. Partly because of the fact that she is pregnant. Making breakfasts and cleaning up. She has made most of the dinners recently, because she prefers her stuff at the moment. I dont mind as she is a great cook. Then we watch TV, maybe an episode of 24 while we eat, then I wash the dishes while she gets ready for bed. Then I go upstairs, we say our goodnights and retire to our separate rooms. I have now been able to stop going into her room after she closes the door. I always knock on every door now.
I am trying to do a 180, by not talking so much, as I usually have a motor mouth. I was out last night when she got in. She called me from work to tell me that she was leaving, and I was in the pub (having a fruit juice). I just needed to get out the house. I said I was angry yesterday, and she picked up on that in my voice and when I came home. So she was asking me what was wrong, and I told her that I didnt want to talk about it. We then proceeded to talk about our days. I told her that I had confided my sitch in one of my work friends. (She has told me that some of her friends in work know) She asked me about what this guy said, and I replied that he was surprised and had no advice. I have asked the same questions about her friends (W doesnt seem to mind those questions). She was a bit quiet, but we still had our conversation whilst cooking. I told her that it would help me to have someone I could talk to about this every day like she has, it means I wont feel the need to talk to her so much about it. So she said OK.
Tonight I am going for 0% takl about us, and over the weekend too. Unless she brings it up. That is my goal for the next few days.
I have booked us a trip to the theatre for Valentines, rather than buying a gift. I think she will appreciate it. She may complain about saving money, but hey!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Was out for dinner with W. Got to talking about tomorrows plans. She had asked me a while ago to take her laptop to the PC shop. So I asked if she wanted me to do it tomorrow. She said she could come with me or take it herself. I asked her why... knowing the answer anyway. She eventually said that she couldnt trust me to not to try and check her emails. Since she knew I had read her phone messages before, so she cant trust me now. So I couldnt bite my tongue. She is the one who had a PA and is ongoing with an EA (probably including hugs and kisses) and she is the one exchanging these secret emails that she doesnt want me to find. ANd she is the one having difficulty trusting!!!! She says in one breath that is emails have nothing in them just small talk, but the she says that she doesnt want me to check them as she doesnt want me to be hurt... implying that there is something there that will hurt me.
She says she understands why I am interested and she understands why I am hurting about this, and she feels bad for making me suffer....... but nothing will change. She is in the next room now on her laptop!
I know I have to keep my cool... just so damn hard sometimes. I wont be a doormat! If we are to start a new R then I wont go into it as the weaker partner.
Steve
Please any advice....
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Hi I dont know if this is ok, but does anyone ever want to chat? On MSN or anything? Please send me a message if so. Would love to.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
I know I have to keep my cool... just so damn hard sometimes. I wont be a doormat! If we are to start a new R then I wont go into it as the weaker partner.
This is my concern as well that I will end up as doormat and for sure she would not want to have a R with a doormat. but I think about this way: She does not want a divorce because I am a doormat she wants a divorce because I was too controlling and demanding.
My first goal now is to dissipate her anger and I had to agree to file a divorce just to make her more relax. She did become more friendly. Though she still wants divorce we communicate as friends.
And I see it as the second stage of 1. Reducing negative emotions 2. Reestablishing a relationship (friendship) 3. Realignment of romance 4. Recommitment
Some people here say that it is not building friendship but as she gets what she wants (divorce) she does not have to be antagonist , it is easier that.
We Shall See
So basically what I would say is that in this stage of the crisis it is useless to worry if we are perceived as doormat. Hopefully later when the R are healed it can be an issue...(faster...please)
Me 42 W 27 Married: 6 years Together: 7 years Daughter: 3 years Wife away 2/16/2007 - 12/27/2007 (School in a different country) EA/PA began on Jan 07 (found out 12/29/07) Papers served on 2/6/2008
