She says it's over - Part 23

[25yearsmlc]

DNQ,

I've read most of your thread, at least this thread. On one hand, "buying" your w could be enabling her to avoid the reality that a D would cause. Yeah, that's a point. But on the other hand, you are getting some results and she's not stupid ( I assume) so she knows at some level, a D will lower her income and lifestyle.

You know, whether it's great sex, loneliness, and or money, as long as it gets a WAS to return and TRY to make the M work, then who cares what the triggering event was?

For me, all three contributed to my willingness to take my H back, and of course the fact that I did indeed still love him, and felt a bonding loyalty to him.
And regardless of all the terrible things we both said, (I think I held my tongue better than he did, but there I go - keeping score...a bad bad idea) I knew we had and have a real connection. We're in "piecing" and I think we'll make it another 26 years. But About 12-15 months ago last year, I'd have said, there was maybe a 10-15% chance of us being together up here. But we are. Why? The single biggest thing that helped was DBing and their coaching. I saw other therapists, shopped around with H and he never liked any until the last one, who was a macho type male and a DB supporter. The DB coaches are specific in their advice and that was sometimes just what I needed, not just venting, if you kwim.

So The DBing helped, as did A LOT of forgiveness work on MY end. Someday soon, he may need to do that as well. (I found Marianne Williamson's books on forgiveness and her book "Return to Love", was VERY helpful. A bit too modern for some, but spiritually helpful to me, and intelligently written)). You may wish to work on that because your anger and pain will surface at the most inconvenient times, if you don't deal with them. Of course, when you are dealing with your anger, it CANNOT BE DONE IN FRONT OF HER because you want to prove to her that anger isn't an issue anymore. Vent here, not with her or the kids.
You have to be upbeat, positive, whenever you see her or are with the kids. Remember that the kids report back on what a great time they had with you.

Also, DNQ, remember this: NO WOMAN IS UNMOVED BY THE LOVING INTERACTION BETWEEN HER CHILDREN AND THEIR FATHER/STEPFATHER. Heck, for me, seeing my h and our children playing, or him teaching them something, just being "with" them and bonding well, is like emotional foreplay. Sometimes more than emotional. I know women who've stayed with men almost SOLELY because they're good dads, and I know women who've divorced b/c their husbands were lousy fathers.

You are doing the right thing, as long as purchasing things for the kids takes a distant second place to actually interacting with them, helping with homework, playing catch, hearing their school stories no matter how trivial it may seem to you, it's their lives. I read a book on "Why Daughter's Need Fathers", and some books on Fatherhood. I was trying to reach my MLC H at the time, but the books were great for ME to read anyhow.

And in one story they reported that a dad needed to cancel a trip to a Dodgers game with his son that they had planned for weeks. The father was offered a $1,000.00 for a speaking event that would likely boost his career a great deal. So he told his son the situation, and offered the son a choice; He'd give his son the $1,000.00!! as a trade for missing the game. The son replied, "No thanks, I'd rather go to the game with you." Down deep, kids want to know they're loved by their parents and gifts/money CAN be a symbol, but time together is the real thing.
Kids get this better than we do sometimes.

Time is something we cannot accumulate, or quantify and yet, we KNOW it is finite. It is the most important thing NOT to waste. I have 5 brothers. One of them is kind, but he doesn't "get" his 16 year old d. WHen he has her, he invites her cousins or an expensive IPOD or game but never once got on the floor to play with her when she was little, and he seems to need buffer zone people b/c he can't talk well with her. He's been an absentee dad who sends expensive gifts, like a generous uncle. He's missed more than he'll ever know. Her stepfather is the one who has been there for her when she was sick, or sang a solo in the school play. I'll never understand my brother's choices. But I think I understand yours.

You're doing so many things right, I just want to encourage you in all this. Making the kids the priority is, in a way, making the M a priority b/c they're so interrelated.

Keep posting here, venting HERE, seeing the mc, etc. At the very least, you'll have good R's with your children, and that's worth a fortune in the "real" world.
I love it when a man steps up to the plate for his kids, AND his step kids. For me, a "recovering feminist", that defines "Manly" behavior. You just keep it up and you'll never have regrets. Keep on keeping on... hope this helps.
(( j- ))