Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

Frank D took the best title "reclaiming myself" so I will settle for this one. My mind is a constant battlefield (as H once told me, sometimes I am my worst enemy.)

Unoffically the S has begun, it wasnt' supposed to until Friday, but H went out on tuesday (the weekly "guy's nigth" with his coworkers, right after the day after we decide to separate). That hurt a bit, it would've been the last day we'd stay as a family, if not for me but for the children--he rather go out than to tuck them in one last time (he will still see them, so perhaps it would just bothered me). He claimed he didnt' want "to make a scene" even though the kids won't know until Saturday, and said that he didnt' mean to but that perhaps he was a jerk.

H went to see his new room that night (the other reason he went out to his buddy's he said) and has taken some clothes there "there is nothing to talk about" he said when I was appalled that he was going out. Anyways..., he hasn't been back since, we've txt and talk a bit, no R talk, just normal stuff.
He's stopped calling at night and before court, guess he thinks he has to distance himself now, he did say repeatedly that "I dont' knwo what to do in these cases (S), the procedure". I told him we make the rules and adjust as time goes by.

Have not slept much since Monday, maybe 4-5hrs each day, if you can recommend something to help me sleep I'd appreciate it, last night I watched as the clock went from 2am to 3am, then from 6am til the time I had to get up for the day.

My "good patches" when I feel ok are getting longer, dont' despair as often as the past days, but I do expect setbacks. I have to remind myself that H asked for this also and that I was getting myself sick about where he was and what he was doing when he was late.

I pray for God to surround my home with His angels, and around H too as he seeks for peace and healing.

Guess I still belong here, since in some ways this S is towards piecing, if not my M then myself.