Here's how I established "structured darkness". When W moved out of the house I changed the locks - I have not set foot in her apartment nor have I invited her into "my" house since (8 months now)
The kids are dropped off and picked up at school (a few exceptions when they are sick, holidays, etc.) and we each have them an entire week at a time. I insisted on this so I'd have more peace of mind and the kids more structure/routine. When I have to go to her apartment I go with the kids upto the security entrance to the complex and when they are safely inside her apartment I leave - likewise if I pick them up from there - cell phone comes in handy too. Of course I have a D11 so you will most likely need to get your W on the line with a D5 and the swapping may need to be more frequent.
There was very little need for direct communication with W - most of it happened by occasional e-mail, lawyers letter or the kids. More recently (last 2-3 months) I've been able to talk to W directly without her exploding or attacking me - not sure where its going and I'm walking a fine line between pursuit and detachment. OM seems to be on the sidelines now tho' there are other more casual enablers. Like it or not D5 will be one of the communication media.
Hope this helps at least to give you some perspective instead of free advice.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
