WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

Maybe give her the Wifes chapter from the Big Book to read.

I did this after the first few meetings. My W's response was that it was all a load of shi*! You could imagine how that motivated me.....
I also apologize, Atlas for being so defensive. I admit I get defensive about the subject, I made the same mistake that I was accusing you of (I prejudged you prematurely).

I would also like to hear how, when life was overwhelming you and you started to drink to 'take the edge off' what did your W do to help you with the pressures? What did she do that wasn't helpful?....
Recent studies have been published that say many people who suffer from anxiety, stress, phobias and other mental health issues are more prone to drink, and then get labeled as 'alcoholics'. Once that is done, they get into 'recovery' thinking they are 'broken' and need to address the DRINKING as their real problem when in reality it is a SYMPTOM of their root issues.

I agree 100% that it was a SYMPTOM in my case. I've said this to W many times. I also have heard about the hypoglycemic issue. I'm interested in testing but haven't got around to it yet. I believe that it is very possible that I may suffer from this but haven't discovered it yet. It may have contributed to the drinking, although I did have mental issues going on at the time.
W did nothing to help me with the pressures. This was an issue. There are others, they came up in C (as well as other conversations).

Like all addictions you need to discover the root cause....

I pretty much have figured it out. At least mentally. I did it for the probably the same reasons you did. Hated my life & felt like a failure on many levels. I didn't know how to handle all the stresses I was going through any other way. I had no support system to fall back on. If felt it was me carrying all the burden. I focused on the negatives too much. And it didn't have to be alcohol, pot, coke, I'd do either if I could get it. I wasn't picky about the drug or the delivery only the end effect. Ironically, the others listed were not much of an issue. It was the alcohol that was focused on. I think the bigger issue was that W thinks/thought that I was choosing to get drunk over interacting with her (in a way she was right but it wasn't my intentions).

you have to decide to (a) Stop using it to feel better and (b) Treat the underlying causes that get you to where you feel like you MUST use it to 'feel better'....
The only way I've stopped it is to realize that I CAN become addicted to alcohol (or anything actually, if it makes me feel better) and look at WHY I NEED it....
In my case, I NEEDED it because life was so overwhelming and my W's ability to support me when those times came was - zero.

pretty much the same here frank, ZERO. She bitched & nagged. When I needed her to support me when I was trying to quit, needed a shoulder, needed some encouragement, or was depressed, I got nothing, only more reasons why I was a loser, failure, not good enough & examples of other things I was a failure at. This compounded my emotional issues...it wasn't her fault & I don't blame her, she wasn't capable of helping me the way I wanted her to, but this is what happened in my eyes. Honestly, she needed the same things I did and I didn't do any better for her.

Thanks everyone for the help. I do want to say that C went fairly well today. It wasn't a happy, pleasant experience. It was like reopening old, infected wounds to get some antiseptic on them. I think it was very productive, though. W has alot of anger issues and fear to work on. I have to work on taking more responsibility for my past & stop being so defensive. I'm feeling more hope that this is going to work out, I am aware that my W's pain is deeper than I realized (which is good). I think we both see the 'big picture' a little clearer. Like I said before, C reiterated my statement that the drinking wasn't/isn't the main issue..it certainly compounded the problems, it was a SYMPTOM. There are some other deeper, more complex problems that need worked out that were there for a long time before my drinking got out of hand. Nothing unusual, but they went on untreated for too long.

We'll see how it goes in the coming weeks. Tomorrow is son's 7th bday. W & kids coming here. My W gave me the book she had, she finished reading it last night. It's called "the 7 principles for making marriage work" by John M. Gottman. Anyone heard of it? I haven't read it yet but plan on reading it this week.