Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[JennyF]

hopetoworkitout,
I have been LRT'ing since I found DB...3 months now. I have gone "dim" with H. Because of the kids and my S being only 3 months old, we've had to communicate quite a bit. But there is little to no friendly conversation. It is quite civil and we share the odd smile over the kids, but it is like I'm looking at a stranger most of the time.
The last couple times I saw him we actually talked a bit more about friends and stuff.

But something has been slowing occuring to me...so here goes yet another confession!
As much as I want to believe I'm letting go, I'm still holding onto the hope so tightly, that still seeing as possibility. Because I want there to be possibility, I'm still focused quite a bit on H.
I'm good when I'm around him (I've had a couple emotional moments giving up S), but other than that I haven't cried or talked about the R since S was a week old. He knows I'm having a hard time with this, and he knows I don't want it, but he is really starting to believe I've accepted it. That is another reason he is trying to push selling the house...if I delay this, he thinks it's because I have hope. Maybe it partially is. I guess in reality I just think he is moving WAY too fast with these major decisions.
So...what's my confession? I am still REALLY absorbed with with believing that he is so messed up and just needs time before he shakes out of it.

If you are a praying person then stop praying for H to come and start praying for the strength to deal with whatever may come.

Have you been eavesdropping on my prayers? I pray for both, but I pray many times a day for my H. It's all I want and all I can focus on. And I have to stop this. It's paralyzing me.

I'm getting there I suppose. If he wasn't moving so quickly I could probably sit back and relax a bit. But on the other hand...he IS moving quickly right? If he is in some kind of life crisis then maybe he's just moving right along through it. I knew it was going to get worse, so I have to accept this as part of the process and be glad that it is moving along toward it's conclusion. But I have to get it out of my head that it is a foregone conclusion that we will be back together. I need to file that feeling in my heart and get on with MY life.
It is all so easy to say, but any second my mind has to wander...that's where it is.

What I want to do now is just spend the next couple weeks looking at my options for buying the house. I think once that decision is made (either way) I can then just settle into this routine and let H do the same. Hopefully the small talk continues and I get the chance to do some realy DB'ing.
Also...something I noticed was H checking out my butt a little while ago. I've lost all the baby weight and then some so I'm looking a lot better than I have in a long time.
I plan on starting Yoga next week and my Mom is loaning me her treadmill...so I'm going to get buff! If the small talk continues and he keeps checking out my butt we could be headed in the right direction!!!
Anyway...what I'm saying is that I need to settle in to my new life and start to look at the possibilities for me and the kids (without H)...and in the meantime let fate run it's course.
Tomorrow I see my H and I can't wait to discuss this letting go with him. I hope he has some insight for me!
J~