Thanks for the advice, but that won't work. He has told me that before I decided to move out here with him that he is not willing to do that.
I have very conflicting feelings on this. H is a coward for not putting his foot down with OW. He still lets her contact him (though he did claim he has told her many times not to contact him, but she still does) And he responds. He always responds, to anyone, even people whom he has not seen for decades. If H will just shut off contact with OW like that, after all the romance and such that they went through, in my eyes, H would be a really heartless person. If that's truly his character, do I want a husband like that? I am a coward for not setting my boundaries clearly I am being patient for letting him work through his MLC
So you see, very conflicting feelings. I go from "wait it out" to "just give him a deadline" every few days.
H was super nice yesterday. To be objective, he is trying, and compared to at the peak of the A (when he was so cold), this is miles better. People on this board also range from "give it time" to "give him boundaries". Oh, piecing is so hard.
let's look at it this way: You wanted him to end contact but now you say "If he just shut off contact...heartless...character flaw"...
Careful, you told him what you want and now you say that if he gives it to you he's "heartless"...how heartless is it to cut her off? NOT!!!!! He's not doing her any favors by leading her on, even if it's JUST email etc...Heartless is having 2 R's and not committing to either ONE!
Bottom line: You want him to STOP!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Methinks that this line is straight out of H's mouth into ourcrisis's ear and out her mouth: "If H will just shut off contact with OW like that, after all the romance and such that they went through, in my eyes, H would be a really heartless person."
horrible example speaking: no, it wouldn't be heartless, it would be putting his W's feelings first and reinstating her, showing her respect. I don't loose sleep by the fact that ow is crushed because my H broke it off with her, it was a disease ridden R that never had to happen, and I pray my H has the spine to cut all contact with her soon and let her move on, until then, we'll remain S.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the confirmation. I feel that I am not being patient and considerate enough for him to take his time to end the contact. H did not say that he is heartless by leaving OW. He did say he did a terrible thing to her. He also said he made a mistake by having the A. I just don't know if I need to have more patience to wait for OW to fade or leave. My mind is just so confused at times. I guess it just means that I need to be more detached and GAL. I did not tell H that he is heartless by ending it with OW. In fact, I have told me multiple times that he is doing a better thing for her to let her move on. It's OW who's clinging on to H with all she can do and H is not strong enough to "just say no".
H continues to be good, at home and helping out. There seems to be little steps happening. H was logging on to his email and I walked out saying "well, I will go do something else now you are checking your email." He told me I can of course look at his emails. May be signs that the emails have stopped? I dont' know. I didn't check.
I believe there is guilt both ways for an H...one way for what he did to his family and another for what he did to OW...I think they realize that they used the OW at some point and this is not easy to face...
Soooo...as I have said before...my H contacted OW a year after he was home...said he will "always love" her...I spoke to him about it after he started telling me that he loved me again...and about a year after that contact..and he said he didn't really feel that way and wasn't sure why he said that...for me, looking at the emails and thinking about that I realized by what she wrote and what he wrote he was really seeking closure...seeking to KNOW that she was okay...she was with an OM now and happy...I think this is what H needed to hear in order to move forward with me...he needed to know he hadn't screwed up her life too much...
So give H time...he sounds like a "nice guy"...as long as he is home and showing some progress...be patient...very patient...things will work out in due time...
I think this is what H needed to hear in order to move forward with me...he needed to know he hadn't screwed up her life too much... =========================================
That's pretty much teh core of the reason my H kept contact with ow, she unloaded the mother of all guilt trips and he recognized she manipulated him 'cause "she can/knows how to". He just didn't want to leave her until he knew she was ok, just as imL said, to appease his concience more than about still wanting to be with her, he didnt' want to leave as the "bad guy" in her eyes.
H continues to be good, at home and helping out. =================================== yey! I'm glad to hear that, that sounds like progress to me
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
"That's pretty much teh core of the reason my H kept contact with ow, she unloaded the mother of all guilt trips and he recognized she manipulated him 'cause "she can/knows how to". He just didn't want to leave her until he knew SHE WAS OK, just as imL said, to appease his concience more than about still wanting to be with her, he didnt' want to leave as the "bad guy" in her eyes."
I think you said my words. That's pretty much what H told me.
Just looking for some stories of hope in piecing, but not really searching very hard... Still wondering if by some slim chance, I'll ever be here, but resigned to thinking most likely I won't.
How are you? How are things going with H? I see you haven't updated lately - hopefully that's a good thing.
