Frank should not be expected to DB if it means further neglecting himself, which it would due to Frank's tendency to put himself and his needs on the backburner. That's the main reason he crashed THIS time. Sometimes a person has to stand down from DBing. I disagree with the idea that working on oneself is a form of DBing. No it is not. DBing might become a BYPRODUCT of working on oneself, but working on oneself is not DBing.
Agreed. The only 'problem' I am having is how best to interact with W. I try 'detached and indifferent' and I get anger in return and fear I am pushing her away.
I try 'nice' and I hurt myself because I feel 'hopeful' and fear I am validating her decisions and letting her have her cake and eat it too. Which is what I did 2 years ago during the affair. I was NICE. She had no reason to fear that I wouldn't be there for her if life got tough.
This is hard to figure out what is the best choice for me. I prefer 'detached and distant' because it keeps my heart safe. But I feel like I'm also pushing her away and she'll find someone else to fill that empty space inside her.
How about facing her with reality. "Hey W, I know that you want to go somewhere and do something else, but right here we have a house and kids and a mortgage, a car payment,taxes, and bills. We both signed for all of it. So you are just as responsible for it as I am. Let's buckle down and do the hard work necessary to get out of this hole we are in. This is what I am doing. What are you going to do?"
Wondering what peoples opinions are about how to best interact with W? Detached and indifferent? Nice and coordial? What?
To thine own self be true.
Interact however you feel like interacting at any given time. HER moods and/or perceived expectations should not dictate how you behave. Due to the circumstances of this time and her being a less than half-assed wife, you might be a bit testy at times. It is what it is and that ain't peaches and cream and if she expects you to act like it is she is more delusional that I thought.
Thing is, we could make it work together now because I see her true self, and I know mine. Whether or not she ever sees that is unknown.
Frank,
I respectfully disagree with your thought process here. Why?
Because "we" could make it work because "I" see her...
Where is her role in your relationship? It takes two, Frank. YOU alone, cannot carry this relationship. God knows, you have tried to do that for at least the last two years. And much longer than that if you think about it. It doesn't work. You know that. Your W has to be willing to participate 100% in order for it to work. She has not been willing or able to do that in the past. She is not willing to do that now. YOU cannot fix this by yourself. All you can do is fix yourself.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you were able to use some of my suggestions from yesterday and that you had a productive day.
Hang in there, Frank.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
W made dinner. I came in from my office and made a plate then sat in the dining room asuming I would eat alone. She made a plate and came to sit with me.
She starts talking to me about some old guy she knows who is going to be at the comedy thing this friday, and how he is sad because it's the anniversary of his wife death, blah blah blah.
I was ok with this conversation, he's a nice guy and she was talking about how we'd all sit together with her friend 'Sunnie' and her husband and it would be nice. I'm thinking to myself "I wonder what story she has told Sunny about us?".
Then she says this: "How are things going with you? You seem stressed lately, are you stressed about money?"
Ok, this is it.
I say "Yeah.... We're not exactly in a great financial situation here, but I've been hustling to get any money from anybody and I have made some good decisions. We actually have someone who might buy our company, and guarantee me a part time position.
She says "Oh, that will be good for you. I hope it works out".
Then I said that regardless, I will find a way to increase my income because I have to keep this house.
She says "well why don't we sell it and it will be a load off your shoulders?"
So I look at her, and say "Have you actually looked at what it would take to rent a 3 bedroom house?" At least $2000 plus deposits and other stuff. I said THIS house is $2,700 a month and we get the tax deduction, plus build a little equity. It's not economically feasible to leave it because then I'd just be paying rent somewhere and losing money from no tax deduction.
I HAVE to keep this house. I have no other choice.
I said to her "But I'm not worried, I know I CAN keep it because I know I CAN get my strength back."
She says "Well, you could rent the downstairs bedroom out to save money". I was pissed and I said "I will NOT rent it out so my kids are living with a stranger". she says "Well if I kept the house that's what I'd do" and I said "You aren't going to keep this house, I am". She says "I meant IF it were me that's what I'd do".
So I paused a moment. I thought about this stupidity she spouts out and I decided to tell her 'the way it is'.
So I said this, with a tone of 'firm conviction' and a little anger:
--- You aren't me, and you have no idea how I feel. So let me tell you.
I HAVE to keep this house or I'll be homeless. My kids need a place to live. And if you've noticed that I've been a bit short in my conversations with you it's not because I hate you, it's because being around you is toxic to me. I have to take care of myself or I won't be able to repair all the financial damage around me.
I'm done with you. I don't like being around you that much and we're not friends. We probably will NEVER be friends for quite a while. I don't TRUST you so I can't be your friend. I don't hate YOU, I just don't want to be your friend. Maybe someday, but not now.
I HATE that I'm here in this situation and that for the past 4 weeks I've had to pick my own a$$ up from the previous year of depression and anxiety PLUS deal with THIS situation.
I hate that I have to deal with all the financial difficulties ALONE.
I hate that I have to think about how my family is going to be broken apart and I can't do anything about it. I hate that you get to decide what's going to happen to my family I have to deal with it. I hate that I have to be the one responsible for fixing this mess of a life we're all in.
I saw our Counselor last week and told her how I've been feeling the last year, the anxiety, fear, pain, and she understood where I was, and told me what I needed to do to fix it (I did NOT tell her the 'fix': get away from W). I wish I had talked to her months ago, then I might not have had to suffer for so long. But I didn't and nobody else did either.
I don't agree with what you are doing. And I hate that I can't change it. That you get to choose how it's going to be and I can't do anything to change your mind.
I'm going to get my strength back. I will be the Frank that is strong and I guarantee you this will never happen to me again. I made a BIG mistake the past 2 years. I selflessly gave to others until there was nothing left of me. I won't make that mistake again. I will keep my house, and I will rebuild my self. But I won't be your friend.
---
She sat through this with a mostly blank look on her face. She started to say something 'understanding' a few times but I kept talking. I had to get it out.
Then she says "Well, do you think you'll be able to sit with me at the comedy show this friday?"
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt??????
I said "I'm sure by friday I'll need a few laughs and I don't have a problem being with you then".
Then, I left. Went to my office to calm down. About 10 minutes later I decided to go for a walk and call a friend. As I walked by the dining room she was still sitting at the table alone.
I left. Came back about 1/2 hour later and she was on the phone talking to one of her girlfriends. She was talking about 'energy' and stuff but the topic wasn't me because I heard her mention someone elses name. She was happy of course, or at least had a 'happy' tone.
She didn't turn to look at me at all. In fact I walked by her several times and she looked away.
I came into my office to write this note, and a few minutes later she came in to ask me what the login/password was to log on to her credit card account to pay her bill. I was pleasant, showed her how to log on and she thanked me and left.
That's it. I feel better now. I was living in 'fear' that I shouldn't say any of this, but it's part of MY growth to say how I feel, and that I don't appreciate being treated like I'm discardable, and that my marriage is over because SHE doesn't feel like working on it because I was not doing well for a long time.
This is so 'anti-db' but I think she knows she's dealing with a MAN now, not a guy who will allow her to have affairs and just 'forgive' her and be her friend.
Will we probably get divorced now for sure? Most likely. She'll use this as a reason to justify running more. That's ok though, because I didn't BLAME her for anything. I just told her HOW I FEEL about it. And as one friend said "If she really loves you at all, she'd want to do anything to make it work". Well, she isn't.
I'm continuing to be coordial and decent.
We still slept in the same bed last night. I didn't sleep well but I noticed she was not restless at all.
This morning she's back to cold / pissy.
I still have a lot of work to do. But as one friend said to me "It's easy to pilot a ship when the waters calm, it's when there's a storm that you see who the real captains are". Well we have been in a storm for 2 years and she did not pilot the ship. She jumped in the lifeboat to save herself.
Frank, you are sounding strong. I don't think that what you did was DB, but it needed to be said. Your wife will see you taking care of yourself and that alone is a step in the right direction.
brandnewday, I love your signature line.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
