NikB #24

[SDFoundGirl]

Good news on creepy guy saying no! Your party sounds SOOOO fun. I love wine and cheese. Truly, I think if I could only choose one thing to eat and one thing to drink for the rest of my life, wine and cheese would be mine. I'm sure it will be a great party!

Don't beat yourself up about snapping at H. The one thing I've had to learn is that I can't catastrophize over any single event or conversation. We're all human, and so, no matter how hard we work, we're going to slip, even in the best of situations. I actually told H in MC last week that if he couldn't handle that, he should exit now because I *am* going to have moments where I just plain suck....just like he will.

A question: are you in IC? I think it would help you sort through your thinking and come to a place where you're ready to speak openly to your H about what you want/need/expect. I get the sense you are a little foggy...a little unwilling to rock the boat...just cloudy on the H front. So, the first thing you need to do is get clear about yourself and what you're willing or unwilling to do.

Right now you and H aren't talking. It reminds me of one of my favorite lines ever from a young adult book titled _Walk Two Moons_: "The truth was hidden beneath piles and piles of unsaid things."

Your H seems like the type who is uncomfortable with words and expressing his feelings. I imagine he is as afraid as you to rock the boat at this point. At some point, you two are going to have to talk and make a decision about whether you're going to work on the marriage--in MC--or split. You can't do it on your own...and the crazy thing about the DBing process is that while it wakes us up, IT WAKES US UP. Meaning, now that we're awake, we become really, really aware of what WE want and deserve as well. Anything less than that is impossible.

But you have to get clear on your own feelings first. You need to be able to speak from a place of truth WITHOUT being tied to a specified outcome. That is true detachment...to love yourself enough that speaking your mind compassionately and without strings is more important than staying silent out of fear.

I wish you luck...this stuff is hard, and it doesn't ever go away no matter what happens in our sitches. The reward, however, is priceless.

SD