I don't know the age of you and your W but I have known a lot of couples that seem to go through what you two are facing when they got married young and then around 20-25 years into the M, they start having this stitch. Before I get into my take on your story, I would like to ask some questions. First, you said you didn't know if she was in MLC, but you have not really listed some things that struck me as a woman in MLC. However, has she lost a lot of weight? You mentioned her going to a counselor but didn't say if she had lost a significant amount or not. I have a weight problem also and I know from experience that most counselors and authors of books try to make people think that the reason they eat is b/c they are unhappy or there is some dark secret in their past or they were molested or something. Well, you don't have to have a problem.....you can just enjoy eating and just eat too much! But, this counselor could have kept prying to try to find an answer to why your W was over-weight and placed the thought of her being in an unhappy MR. That is just a possibility. I have heard stories of that happening.
If she has lost a lot of weight and has become very concious about her appearance, she could start to wear a lot of styles that she couldn't wear before. She could be getting attention she hasn't had in a long time. Is she dressing more sexy or trying to look younger? Is she wearing more make-up or changing her hair color or style? These are some sure signs of of a woman in MLC. I know!
If she has not found another man in her life.....and if she is in MLC, prepare yourself b/c she will find OM soon. It almost goes hand in hand.
However, if you have not seen any of this in her, and if her counselor did not place the idea that she was unhappy in her M and that caused her weight issues, then I have one other thought. That being, as I said, I have known several couples who marriages seem to start to fall apart around 20-25 years. I personally think it is due to the fact that we go through different phases and changes as individuals and as a couple. Of course she isn't the same person you married! Neither are you the same person she married. That old saying of you either grow together or you grow apart down through the years is so very true.....b/c of all the changes you face.
I was 18 when I married. I've been married for 42 years and I can tell you that you face many changes and go through many phases down through the years. This is probably one of the tougher ones. When the kids leave home.....there has to be a change....nothing will ever be the same again. It didn't hit me, in fact, I kind of liked it b/c we had never been alone our entire M life. But, just getting older and facing probems down through the years and changing as one does.....you've got to work through it. That is what you are wanting to do and I realize that. The problem is that your W hasn't realized that yet. All she knew was she was unhappy and she had to put the blame somewhere and with or without another person's influence, she placed that blame on the MR.
I believe that most people that have been married for a long time begin to get bored. That sounds terrible, I know, but even when you love a person you can still get very bored with your life and even bored with that person you are married to, if something is not done about it. It is kind of like getting "burn-out" in the M. And with a female......we want to have those "in love" feelings. That's why the speech of ...you know.
People get burned out and then become unhappy and they start looking for the reason they are unhappy and then the problems start. Your W may be on a frantic search for happiness in her life and it may take a while before she realizes that she misses you and wants you back in her life. She may have to try out some things to discover that those did not bring her happiness either, before she is ready to go back to you.
So, whatever reason she has left, the question you have to ask yourself is how valuable is she to you? Is she worth the wait? It may be a long time, you know. You have already stated that you wanted it "fixed" now and asking how long it usually takes to get over this MLC, etc. Well, there is not set time.....and no set age. I am proof of that. I went into a MLC at a very late stage in life. In fact, I don't think I am completely out of it yet.....but it's getting better.
I was bored, unhappy, felt lonely and long story short....found OM and had an EA. I wanted to leave my H but decided to stay in the M. I am still struggling and have not completely stopped the grieving process over the OM (which I now will really admit), but it is slowly getting better. You wouldn't know that if you read my thread, but it is. Time can either work for us or against us.....we have to decide which it will be.
It is so easy for me to blame my H and pour out all his faults here on the BB. To read my posts, it sounds like I am a perfect woman that never screwed up in any area of life. That's a real laugh! But, what I am trying to say is that it is hard for us to see our own failures from the other person POV. So, the advice you have received about working on yourself, etc., do it....b/c I doubt that it would sound like the same story if we heard your W's POV. I want to especially encourage you to not appear to be "boring" to your W or anyone else and you can do that by GAL. The word will get back to her--even if she doesn't see you. Check out the clothes you wear.....maybe they need to be updated or maybe you need a different hair cut. Just a few changes in one's lifestyle can make a big difference, but most of all is one's attitude. That is why everyone says not to act angry or needy or pushy.....all that stuff turns your W off...big time! Pretend that you are doing just fine and are happy-go-lucky (even though you feel like hell) b/c that is what will get her attention. Pretend you are interested in "life" (even though you feel like death warmed over) b/c that makes a person "interesting". She will notice this, trust me. At first, she may act a little angry and think, "Well, he must be happy that I've left him!" That's okay....it's normal. Just keep on keeping on. In time, she will come around. I just pray that she will not get involved with another man. If she does, it will take much, much longer.
Is she worth the work and the wait?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
