I tried to take mine off the other day, but it felt so strange that I put it back on much like Imageer.
I had thought of giving it back to my wife and telling her that when she wanted me back she could give it back to me and if not just give it to our son.. But that seemed a little drama queeny to me so I didn't do that..
I had thought of giving it back to my wife and telling her that when she wanted me back she could give it back to me and if not just give it to our son.. But that seemed a little drama queeny to me so I didn't do that..
That is sooooooo sweet and if it was in a chick flick there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.
Yeah that doesn't work.
Tried it.
Not really making fun of you, trying to be a guy and tell you its a bad idea.
By the way since you are going to have R talks with her, unless you are some sort of emotional giant compared to the rest of us and can actually not enter those minefields.
Curb your language when talking with her.
IF not WHEN Don't say FIX or TRY with her. Avoid pressure on her.
Walk the walk AND talk the talk.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Maybe I missed my calling, I could write novels instead of eating smoke.
Thanks for the advice about what language to use when talking with her. Not much of an emotional giant, still pretty rattled by the whole thing.
But I am listening to advicem, reading and trying to become educated on what is going on.. Your advice of filling my time, all of my time, is great - I will work on that..
Too bad we couldn't be on here talking about fun stuff (like how bad the Giants are going to beat up the patriots)and not this crap.
: ) Following the trail of how you met your friends is always interesting, realize that some of them are born from enemies or horrible times in your life.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You are EXACTLY right -- This is a long, long ride.
I've learned the hard way that it does absolutely no good to point out to your W what should be obvious to any sane person. You can see what is happening, it is so clear to you, but they just don't get it -- or refuse to get it.
The problem is the more you analyze and try to become their therapist, the more and more they head in the opposite direction. My telling my W what was "obviously" wrong with her behavior set me back several months in our recovery.
This is the longest, most bizarre roller coaster ride you've ever been on and the problem is they won't let you off. You have to hang in there and just ride it out.
The only thing I'm able to do with my W's MLC is try to detach and work on me. I know where you are because if it was up to you, you'd be done in a week. This is easy to see from your perspective, but you have to remember your W is not there. She is not the W you remember. In fact, she is probably just plain nuts right now.
There is nothing positive that will come out of your telling her she's in MLC, pointing out what she's doing that is wrong, defending your actions from the past, and explaining your love and dedication for her and your marriage.
Instead, what you can do is detach and work on you. What do you need to do to make you happy? What should you do to develop a life outside of your marriage? Your W wants to see you confident and self-assured, not chasing, controlling, and analyzing her every move.
Work on living life for you and not for her to come back. Remember to ask yourself "What is my motivation?" before you act.
If the motive behind your action is to enhance and improve yourself, then do it. However, if you are motivated simply to get her to come back to you sooner, you'll be barking up the wrong tree.
Finally, I'm terrible at listening, validating, and letting go. These are the three biggest things I've learned in the short time I've been in this community.
Everyone is stressing patience, the ability to listen, the ability to validate what you've heard, and the ability to give your partner the space they need to work this out on their own. I suggest you work hard to follow this advice to the best of your ability.
Hang in there. You can do this, but you'll be on this long and windy road for a while. Steel yourself to this possibility and fill your time making you a better you.
Remember, if your marriage fails, you still have to live with you for the rest of your days. You need to take the time now to make sure you become the happiest, healthiest, best you you can become. You need this regardless of what happens to your marriage.
You need to do this for you. You are the only one you can control and you are the only one you can work on right now.
Those are some excellent points, I have tried to analyze my motives in doing some things and even though I knew they were just trying to "show her" and not for me, I have done them anyway.. But I learned each time and will try not to make those mistakes again.
As far as her "not being herself or being completely nuts" that is the truth, there were times that if her head had spun completely around, she levetated off the bed and started spewing a green substance, I wouldn't have been all that surprised.
I too am terrible about listeneing, validating and letting go. Another thing I have to learn and work hard towards.
But working on me seems to be a common theme throughout many of the threads on this site. And it makes a great deal of sense, in the end we are the only thing we have control over...
I don't know the age of you and your W but I have known a lot of couples that seem to go through what you two are facing when they got married young and then around 20-25 years into the M, they start having this stitch. Before I get into my take on your story, I would like to ask some questions. First, you said you didn't know if she was in MLC, but you have not really listed some things that struck me as a woman in MLC. However, has she lost a lot of weight? You mentioned her going to a counselor but didn't say if she had lost a significant amount or not. I have a weight problem also and I know from experience that most counselors and authors of books try to make people think that the reason they eat is b/c they are unhappy or there is some dark secret in their past or they were molested or something. Well, you don't have to have a problem.....you can just enjoy eating and just eat too much! But, this counselor could have kept prying to try to find an answer to why your W was over-weight and placed the thought of her being in an unhappy MR. That is just a possibility. I have heard stories of that happening.
If she has lost a lot of weight and has become very concious about her appearance, she could start to wear a lot of styles that she couldn't wear before. She could be getting attention she hasn't had in a long time. Is she dressing more sexy or trying to look younger? Is she wearing more make-up or changing her hair color or style? These are some sure signs of of a woman in MLC. I know!
If she has not found another man in her life.....and if she is in MLC, prepare yourself b/c she will find OM soon. It almost goes hand in hand.
However, if you have not seen any of this in her, and if her counselor did not place the idea that she was unhappy in her M and that caused her weight issues, then I have one other thought. That being, as I said, I have known several couples who marriages seem to start to fall apart around 20-25 years. I personally think it is due to the fact that we go through different phases and changes as individuals and as a couple. Of course she isn't the same person you married! Neither are you the same person she married. That old saying of you either grow together or you grow apart down through the years is so very true.....b/c of all the changes you face.
I was 18 when I married. I've been married for 42 years and I can tell you that you face many changes and go through many phases down through the years. This is probably one of the tougher ones. When the kids leave home.....there has to be a change....nothing will ever be the same again. It didn't hit me, in fact, I kind of liked it b/c we had never been alone our entire M life. But, just getting older and facing probems down through the years and changing as one does.....you've got to work through it. That is what you are wanting to do and I realize that. The problem is that your W hasn't realized that yet. All she knew was she was unhappy and she had to put the blame somewhere and with or without another person's influence, she placed that blame on the MR.
I believe that most people that have been married for a long time begin to get bored. That sounds terrible, I know, but even when you love a person you can still get very bored with your life and even bored with that person you are married to, if something is not done about it. It is kind of like getting "burn-out" in the M. And with a female......we want to have those "in love" feelings. That's why the speech of ...you know.
People get burned out and then become unhappy and they start looking for the reason they are unhappy and then the problems start. Your W may be on a frantic search for happiness in her life and it may take a while before she realizes that she misses you and wants you back in her life. She may have to try out some things to discover that those did not bring her happiness either, before she is ready to go back to you.
So, whatever reason she has left, the question you have to ask yourself is how valuable is she to you? Is she worth the wait? It may be a long time, you know. You have already stated that you wanted it "fixed" now and asking how long it usually takes to get over this MLC, etc. Well, there is not set time.....and no set age. I am proof of that. I went into a MLC at a very late stage in life. In fact, I don't think I am completely out of it yet.....but it's getting better.
I was bored, unhappy, felt lonely and long story short....found OM and had an EA. I wanted to leave my H but decided to stay in the M. I am still struggling and have not completely stopped the grieving process over the OM (which I now will really admit), but it is slowly getting better. You wouldn't know that if you read my thread, but it is. Time can either work for us or against us.....we have to decide which it will be.
It is so easy for me to blame my H and pour out all his faults here on the BB. To read my posts, it sounds like I am a perfect woman that never screwed up in any area of life. That's a real laugh! But, what I am trying to say is that it is hard for us to see our own failures from the other person POV. So, the advice you have received about working on yourself, etc., do it....b/c I doubt that it would sound like the same story if we heard your W's POV. I want to especially encourage you to not appear to be "boring" to your W or anyone else and you can do that by GAL. The word will get back to her--even if she doesn't see you. Check out the clothes you wear.....maybe they need to be updated or maybe you need a different hair cut. Just a few changes in one's lifestyle can make a big difference, but most of all is one's attitude. That is why everyone says not to act angry or needy or pushy.....all that stuff turns your W off...big time! Pretend that you are doing just fine and are happy-go-lucky (even though you feel like hell) b/c that is what will get her attention. Pretend you are interested in "life" (even though you feel like death warmed over) b/c that makes a person "interesting". She will notice this, trust me. At first, she may act a little angry and think, "Well, he must be happy that I've left him!" That's okay....it's normal. Just keep on keeping on. In time, she will come around. I just pray that she will not get involved with another man. If she does, it will take much, much longer.
Is she worth the work and the wait?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First off, yes she had lost a signigicant amount of weight, she had gastric bypass surgery about 2 years ago. She started seeing the counselor about this some time around August, she had seen her before once or twice but she started going about once a month in August to "work on some things".
The therapist was the one that started "digging deep" and placed the unhappy with the marriage theory. The therapist was the one that suggested initially to w to consider a trial seperation.
You stated that "I didn't say anything that struck you as a woman in a MLC". But everything I read about MLC points to it very strongly, maybe I am missing something or not clearly stating all of the issues.
As far as how she dresses, etc. She has always taken great pride in her makeup, hair and how she dresses. She is very excited about wearing different styles and being able to wear smaller sizes. She is also coaching high school cheerleaders so I think the young and free thing is hitting home.
The attention/finding an OM is a definite possiblity, and one that I have been struggling with. I have asked her about this when we were "discussing" things, and she said that it is not about another man it about her finding herself..
You stated that if we heard her side of the story it would be very different. That is absolutely true. I am not by any means trying to say that I was perfect, cuz I wasn't. There are things that I have said and times that I was impatient and downright crappy to her. Those times haunt me now.
I try to act normal when I am around her, happy go lucky, joking etc. My normal personality is joking, happy, generally in a good mood. I have a hard time acting like this around her, I know that I have to work on that. I am sure this doesn't sound good but there is a part of me that thinks if I act happy around her she will think this seperation thing is ok. Silly and wrong, I know.
Is she worth the fight, I believe she is. I know it will be a long road and that the end result may not be what I hope for, but I have to try.
Well I blew it again this morning, w called I was having a crappy morning and when she asked how I was doing. I told her not very well and then proceeded to start discussing our situation.
I did catch myself and changed the subject after a few minutes.
I know Dumb guy, dumb guy....
She did call back about an hour later to discuss some travel arrangements for our daughter and that went well. I was upbeat and didn't dive off the deep end again...
