Thanks, cat. I needed that bit of encouragement today. I just wonder why he feels the need to keep the secret cell phone when he has a perfectly good fairly new one to use.
I started thinking about when the EA began, though I really don't know exactly, but I was thinking about an incident here that I am sure you and your H probably heard about on the news. Three police officers were murdered in June of '04, while serving a warrant. My H got to the scene and was standing over their dead bodies. A news photographer got his picture and put it on the front page. My H has forgotten he gave me that newspaper, but I have kept it. Not even his family or mine knows that the officer standing bowed over the bodies is my H. Also, another cop he knew was killed off-duty, trying to stop a robbery a few yrs ago. I wonder if that did something really terrible inside of him and that the EA began as a result of it. I do know that they considered the next year a special time, 7-05. I now know that years ago, I don't know how many, he started going downstairs to drink vodka until he passed out, and he said I didn't come to see if he was all right. I only thought he was going downstairs to watch something on tv, and the C I started seeing said he drank vodka, because he didn't WANT me to know, since you can't smell it. I knew he was acting weird, but I didn't think of that being the problem. He would ask me if I hated him, and I would say no, of course not.
I know that his sergeant is a believer, and does not allow bad language or behavior out of the officers in his presence, and my H respects him for this. This Sunday, we were in church, and we sang the final song, Give Me Thy Heart, and even though we sang all three verses, my H stopped singing after the second one. I looked quickly up at him, and it looked as though his eyes were moist. Wishful thinking? I don't know, but I do know that moved me and made me start to tear up. I just hope so much for his salvation, and pray for it, like I prayed for our S, and he was baptized last May. H did say to me one time that our S being saved and his religious upbringing he commended me for, and I told him thank you, but he also gave moral guidance (I didn't say, before all this mess).
I do have a cold fear inside when I think of ow holding onto him for so long, she has to see that he isn't the same man whom I busted about the EA a year and a half ago. Can they really cling to them forever like this waiting for them to leave us? That is, if in fact, my H is still contacting and being contacted.
Thanks, cat, it so helps to talk to someone who understands what it's like to be married to a cop. A cop with many issues.
