Status 2 - W friendlier but still very distant

[Kalni]

fb2,

Ann said it for me. On top of what she said about the kids, I wouldn't use (even in a good way)them "to send her" any messages. And if dating would do things worse, you think socializing in front of the kids would improve things? I do not think a 7year old could make a clear distinction between the two situations, so what the kids report back could be something far from the truth. Would you like to risk that? Just a thought...

Kalni

[fb2]

Hi Ann, Kalni

I really like SD's advice about putting M/R focus on hold for a month. Especially if she has lot of studying to do this coming month. take the time to focus on you and the kids. It'll be really good for you.

I feel I've done too much of this already! I avoided W like the plague and focused on the kids from September thru' December. Maybe that helped cool her off too along with some validation which wasn't M/R related. I have not brought up M/R with W for at least 3 months now and do not intend to for as long as needed. Don't know how SD concluded that; maybe I haven't emphasized this enough. The focus will continue on me and the kids but I feel I have to tweak it a bit now; W's got to feel she's loosing her grip and that I'm not beholden to her. Maybe even take off my ring. See Lan's comment on my previous thread.

Don't know where your kids are at in the grand scheme (do they think mommey and daddy might work it out? Do they think daddy will come back home?)

The kids seem happy to go from "mom's house" to "dad's house"; they don't understand the big picture. If anything mom would have to come home. But note well my last sentence. I wouldn't do anything "I" wouldn't approve of and my standards are pretty high. And, yes, Kalni I need to take a "risk" and the kids are indeed still the fibre optic network to W whether we like it or not. There is a distinction between "dating" and "socializing" in my mind and I think the kids can pick up on this esp. D11. We do not visit each others houses or meet at social events so the communication channels are very narrow.

Hope I'm making myself clear this time before the next bit of advice comes in ;-)

[fb2]

Here's the poignant point I referred to above:

What I am saying to you is W needs to see that you're out there again, you need to slip into conversation that your social life is on the up. OK I know money is tight but I think you need to show her that you can and will live life to the full without her.

[jmw128]

I'd be careful using the kids as messangers of stuff such as socializing with women. My WAW thinks I am happier without her. I think if I did that she would use it to further validate her feelings and would be of no benefit. I am also in complete agreement with you on the affairs, casual, etc...just not me and my WAW knows it. You can "move on" without moving that far along I think.

Just some thoughts to chew on.

[jmw128]

In addition, I started to enroll in a ballroom dancing class but am apprehensive for feelings that you describe. Just not sure if I feel that it is right, for me, to dance with another. Just an example.

[ann25]

hey fb2. I figured that was the case, just thought i'd mention it. I definately think there is a difference in socializing and dating. It's important for her to know that you aren't hanging around just waiting for her (even if you are... ) I kinda think about it like when people first date. There's some mystery to the whole thing. You don't really know much about what the other person does when they're not with you, but you sure want to know.

Have some fun even if you have to fake it at first. You deserve it.

[fb2]

Today W realized I really meant business and that she actually had to go get her own auto insurance and its expensive! This is something I've been quietly paying for an entire year while W has exclusively driven the brand new car. She was given 3 weeks notice but still thought I'd continue to be a sucker. Well, she called me today mad as hell. I was taken a bit unawares trying to validate her nonsense while I had the kids with me so I'm not sure I did a very good job since I was also feeling a bit unwell. But I stayed on the line and kept my cool till she hung up on me. This happened twice today. I indicated to her that this was a consequence of the disaster of divorce but she blamed me for it just as she talked a few months ago.

So it seems to me that as long as W is coasting along with all expenses paid she's fine. Each time she gets a jolt like this she flies off the handle.

[Lanzo]

Hey fb2,

The good news for you is that I'm gonna ride out this rollercoaster with you.

I haven't forgotten you, I'll be around for as long as you need me.

Is she "using" you for other financial reasons? Don't allow her to go there even if it makes her furious! Why? B/c she will not respect you....and it is very important, especially at this point of the R that she respect you. She may be mad and say all kind of ugly things, throw fits, or whatever, but by God, make her respect you. You are the only one that can do that, and when the smoke clears.....she will know that she does respect you and then, hopefully, other positive things will began to follow.

A wise lady on these boards gave me this advice which I think I've managed to follow. Reading what you've written I think you're doing It too. It's soooh hard to follow through with but it's got to be done and the benifits will be seen much later.

Lan

[fb2]

I've had a long think about this and this is what I've come up with, your W sees your changes, your new upbeat relaxed attitude, but what she doesn't see is you moving on. So at the moment she can chat all kinds of sh*t to you, but at the end of the day she still knows you will be there to take it. So to her you're still a sounding board, a doormat or a punch bag (ouch).

Related to the above and something I've mentioned before, W doesn't see you moving on, maybe you need to give her that impression for things to change.

Busy weekend ... Saturday I took S7 to a play date at his classmate's house where I had lunch and a long visit. Sunday invited my friend's wife's sister to dinner and my kid's were there - cooked good food, had pleasant conversation and a nice evening - want to reassure everyone my intentions remain as chaste as ever. Awaiting results of these sharp 180s. W's already mad as hell on the insurance.

[fb2]

In the interest of everyone's time and space I'll be journaling essentially my interactions with W. The PMA/GAL will happen in the background unless someone asks about it.