Piecing? Sexual issues? hmm...not sure

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Hello all,

I need some help on figuring out the best place to put my first post. Here it is in a nutshell...hope I can keep it brief.

Met H in second year of college - he was "my first". I thought I loved him and because he was the first stayed with him even though some things didn't always feel right. Little things would bother me and I would say, no big deal, he's a great guy and it's not like I'm marrying this guy. Fast forward two years - i break up with him in the last few weeks of college to see someone else, H shows up on graduation day thinking we can make amends and start again, finds me with OG - he freaks but we were broken up so... We work it out and decide to get back together. A few months later we get engaged, 10 months later we are married. I remember thinking during the wedding that if things didn't turn around for me (those same little annoyances) then i could always get a divorce. Here's a little forshadowing - on my wedding night I didn't even want to have sex with him. This is supposed to be the first night as H and W and I just wanted to go to sleep.

So we continue on for four years all along having "different libidos". I love him, he's a wonderful man, one of these days things will click and it will be great. I can't wait to have children and maybe then things will be better. maybe i will one day desire him.

Fast forward two kids and 9 years of marriage later and i have my first affair. Starts out as an EA and moves to PA but not very long lasting. but this is the first time i feel i truly want a D. I got very depressed and decided i just couldn't go through with it. A year later H reads about this affair in my journal, we talk about it. I tell him that I haven't had the loving feeling sfor him for mant years and explianed how i felt on our wedding night. we both commit to work on it and move on.

4 years later 2nd affair. this one with a man that I knew when i was very young, went to high school with and haven't seen him since then. We rekindled a wonderful friendship that turned into an EA quickly, then to a PA. I fell head over heels in love with this man! Everything about him and I was perfect EXCEPT we are both married.

His wife finds out, my husband finds out, i tell H that i want a D, he says "fine, File!" OG and I decide it's just not the right time and we will call it quits. We can't call it quits...continue to see each other for a few more months. He tells me he is working on getting a D, i start looking for apts, H files papers, i am just about to be served the papers and things blow up BIG TIME. OG's wife finds out again, starts trouble with me and my family. I just can't do it...4 days before I am to be served divorce papers, I tell H let's try this one more time. Let's go to the Retrovaille weekend we have planned and go from there.

Retrovaille went VERY well. H and I really connected had great sex in the days after, but then reality kicks in again. My lack of desire for my husband has returned. I love him but I am just not interested in having that kind of relationship with him. Something about him just turns me off, I am not turned on by him AT ALL. I can't figure it out. He's a very good looking man, lot's of women find him attractive, etc. I just don't feel the chemistry.

I haven't seen or talked to OG since the last big blow up - 3 or 4 weeks now. I miss OG terribly, but have made a promise that I would not contact him ever again. Yet I don't know what to do about my lack of attraction to my H.

Retrovaille is great at getting us to talk and connect that way, but it is not helping me desire him any more than I have for past 13 years.

Isn't it possible to just love someone as your best friend but not sexually. Why is this so hard for him to understand? Why don't I feel this for him?

This has gotten long and I've left out MANY details that may prove pertinent but, I just need some advice on maybe where to go to get some help and guidance. My H does post on this site as well, but this is the first time I am posting.

Thank you to anyone that help me out here.