Piecing? Sexual issues? hmm...not sure

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Hello all,

I need some help on figuring out the best place to put my first post. Here it is in a nutshell...hope I can keep it brief.

Met H in second year of college - he was "my first". I thought I loved him and because he was the first stayed with him even though some things didn't always feel right. Little things would bother me and I would say, no big deal, he's a great guy and it's not like I'm marrying this guy. Fast forward two years - i break up with him in the last few weeks of college to see someone else, H shows up on graduation day thinking we can make amends and start again, finds me with OG - he freaks but we were broken up so... We work it out and decide to get back together. A few months later we get engaged, 10 months later we are married. I remember thinking during the wedding that if things didn't turn around for me (those same little annoyances) then i could always get a divorce. Here's a little forshadowing - on my wedding night I didn't even want to have sex with him. This is supposed to be the first night as H and W and I just wanted to go to sleep.

So we continue on for four years all along having "different libidos". I love him, he's a wonderful man, one of these days things will click and it will be great. I can't wait to have children and maybe then things will be better. maybe i will one day desire him.

Fast forward two kids and 9 years of marriage later and i have my first affair. Starts out as an EA and moves to PA but not very long lasting. but this is the first time i feel i truly want a D. I got very depressed and decided i just couldn't go through with it. A year later H reads about this affair in my journal, we talk about it. I tell him that I haven't had the loving feeling sfor him for mant years and explianed how i felt on our wedding night. we both commit to work on it and move on.

4 years later 2nd affair. this one with a man that I knew when i was very young, went to high school with and haven't seen him since then. We rekindled a wonderful friendship that turned into an EA quickly, then to a PA. I fell head over heels in love with this man! Everything about him and I was perfect EXCEPT we are both married.

His wife finds out, my husband finds out, i tell H that i want a D, he says "fine, File!" OG and I decide it's just not the right time and we will call it quits. We can't call it quits...continue to see each other for a few more months. He tells me he is working on getting a D, i start looking for apts, H files papers, i am just about to be served the papers and things blow up BIG TIME. OG's wife finds out again, starts trouble with me and my family. I just can't do it...4 days before I am to be served divorce papers, I tell H let's try this one more time. Let's go to the Retrovaille weekend we have planned and go from there.

Retrovaille went VERY well. H and I really connected had great sex in the days after, but then reality kicks in again. My lack of desire for my husband has returned. I love him but I am just not interested in having that kind of relationship with him. Something about him just turns me off, I am not turned on by him AT ALL. I can't figure it out. He's a very good looking man, lot's of women find him attractive, etc. I just don't feel the chemistry.

I haven't seen or talked to OG since the last big blow up - 3 or 4 weeks now. I miss OG terribly, but have made a promise that I would not contact him ever again. Yet I don't know what to do about my lack of attraction to my H.

Retrovaille is great at getting us to talk and connect that way, but it is not helping me desire him any more than I have for past 13 years.

Isn't it possible to just love someone as your best friend but not sexually. Why is this so hard for him to understand? Why don't I feel this for him?

This has gotten long and I've left out MANY details that may prove pertinent but, I just need some advice on maybe where to go to get some help and guidance. My H does post on this site as well, but this is the first time I am posting.

Thank you to anyone that help me out here.

[ann25]

Hi Mom of 2 - Wow - sounds like things have been tricky for you both. I know all about the not desiring your H. In my case it wasn't always like that, but there was definatly no instant chemistry, so i get that. I don't get the multiple affairs, I had one and it has devistated me, but then again, i haven't always felt this way, so who knows.

You situation seems hard, but you do have one advantage that most do not. Because your H posts on this site, you have a very unique look at his thoughts and feelings. If you read what he's posted and really consider his side, the way he feels and has been feeling, you can probably make some amazing changes that will greatly benefit your M.

In my opinion, you are lucky that H wants to keep trying with you. I feel lucky that mine wanted to with me. One thing that I have learned from this site is that i would give anything to have my own H care half as much as the guys here.... that being said, you really need to make sure that being in this M is what you want. I know that you are here and have said you want to give it another shot, but you aren't coming across as really sure about that.

I haven't seen or talked to OG since the last big blow up - 3 or 4 weeks now. I miss OG terribly, but have made a promise that I would not contact him ever again. Yet I don't know what to do about my lack of attraction to my H.

This is good. OG is like an addiction. He made you feel things that you had been missing and made you feel good. I can't say that you were or weren't in love with him, but ending it is really best. You have made an investment with your family.

Something that I've done that has seemed to help a little...
I've decided that my goal as a W is to make H feel good, make him happy. My being intimate with him makes him feel that. So for me, it's not about passion and desire, it's about loving my H the way he needs to be loved.

Not really sure what advice to give you as there is probably a whole lot more to the story than what's here... Just the one thing - Read what he has posted here. Not only on his thread, but to others as will, it's like a look into his heart and mind, priceless.

Take care!

[Just_Me]

I wish for his sake that you had just let him divorce you. You aren't doing this guy any favors by stringing him along.

I don't completely buy into your whole story of basically a "pity marriage" and no sparks ever, but whatever, maybe you aren't sexual. Or maybe there isn't that spark.

I love my wife very much, and that love equates with thinking she is HOT! Would other people think so? Probably not in the way I do. To me, she's incredibly desirable. I believe it isn't always physical attraction that leads to love---sure, in the beginning it's that way---but more mature love leads to attraction. But, not everyone is the same way sexually....although it doesn't sound like you had this problem with other men. Presumably you enjoyed sex with them (did you?).

Anyway, I should give advice, and it's this: Love is a decision. Are you going to love your H or not? If the answer is no or I'll tolerate him as long as possible, then cut him loose. He'll be better off without you. If you make the decision that you'll love him, then start loving him without all this baggage of, "I never loved him. Something about him bugged me. I'm not attracted to him." Just make the conscious effort to show him love, and show him in his love language (you should read the 5 love languages, by Gary Chapman and so should your husband). And he'll likely show you love back. But it might not be the way you want to be loved, so try the book together, and be honest about how you want to be loved. Armed with that knowledge, you might start feeling love and an interest in sex may blossom. But, you should realize that sometimes being loving is to have sex when you don't feel the drive. Might try spicing things up a bit.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Thanks Ann. Unfortunately he knows that i read his posts and he has since stopped posting about our sitch. he now only responds and offers advice to others.

I have been trying to just think about all the things that I do like about him. Reminisce about the things we used to do, what things were like at the beginning of our marrage, etc. This is helping a bit. We went on the Retro weekend and are still working on the things we learned there. We are getting there, but it is a slow road.

I am hoping that through these intimate conversations that my feelings will develop more for him in that area. i am a sexual person i just have a very hard time feeling tha way towards my H. Fantasies in my own head - never shared - are what has gotten me through so far. I know someone is going to say - share those fantasies with him, but for some reason that makes me VERY uncomfortable. I'm not the type to be able to talk about those things.

I'm thinking about moving to the piecing forum, maybe I'll get more advice from those going through similar situations. I don't think the sexual issues area is really where i should go.

[craig54]

mom of 2,

my wife says she feels and has felt the same way about me sexually for over 19 years. so i know how your husband feels. i love my wife. i want my wife. she says she is not attracted to me. she says she felt that way on our wedding night. we have two great kids, and have had a pretty good life. how do you stay married for 19years lying to your husband the whole time. immature love, that is my take. my wife never had an affair. she just suffered in silence. she said she felt this way actually before we were married. if i sound like i am a little angry, i am. this is such a selfish attitude, on my wifes part and on yours. these are precious lives on the line, and to trample on them is extremely dishonest. but i can say with the love of Jesus, and alot of prayer, i have forgiven my wife. i pray for the marriage restoration. it is in Gods hands now.

[craig54]

mom of 2, i forgot to write how good our sex life was before we were married. it was great. love is a choice, i beliee the attraction can be reignited if both people are willing to be honest in their communication, attitude is a key, doing it without honesty and conviction would be self defeating.

[ann25]

Hi - Do you still read what he posts? Still an insight as to where his head is... I'd hate to discourage him from posting, but you should read everything he writes.

Does he know you are posting here? If not, i think it is really a good sign that you are all in on working on this.

I have gone from a point where I couldn't hardly stand to have my H touch me to at least enjoying the sex part of it. I still have a hard time with the intimate foreplay stuff, but if i can get past that, we have pretty good sex.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling uncomfortable talking about your fantasies... I always have too. There are still some H doesn't know about. I just posted on my own thread about a talk we had last night that really opened things up. H told me somethings he wanted to do and asked me about things i'd like. It was nice that he was so open with me and i in turn was very open with him. I can't tell you what will work, but I can tell you that any more secrets in your M can't be helpful. Tell him what you want, or maybe write it down for him to read later when you aren't around.

You might do better in peicing. Not sure if people post a lot there or not....

hang in there and keep fighting for your M. If he's still here, he probably still wants it to work out. So long as you are both moving in the same direction, things will improve.

[craig54]

mom of 2,


i just read what you wrote to metro. i want you to know i was not bashing you for bashing sake. i know how much courage it took for you to come here and post. i have seen other waw spouses come here and open their soul up to everyone. i respect that. i hope you and your husband can heal your marriage. that is my only prayer for mine. i love my wife more today than i did 4 months ago. i know how much pain she is in. i know you are in pain also. please don't give up on your marriage. you will be blessed if you stay and work it out.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

craig, I know you were not bashing me, but just_me was. he seems very angry that the WAWs are out there. Unfortunately we are and for every WAW there is another WAH - typically, anyway.

I'm back with my H and I am truly trying to piece things together with him. Just want some support and advice. That being said i will move to the Piecing Forum, probably more appropriate there.

Thank you for your positive words. I am trying.

[craig54]

mom of cherubs, thank you, god bless you and you have my support.