Okay, LightSeeker, I’m taking a whole new tack here.
Pondering your repetitive negative comments, a light bulb (or “laht bub” as we say in the South) came on over my head.
Your H threatened to bail during your engagement? He called up old girlfriends during your pregnancy? He is verbally abusive to you? He acts like there’s something wrong with you?
Honey, living in this negative atmosphere, how COULD you feel good about yourself? What does your H say to you or about you that is positive? Does he compliment your appearance, your cooking, your mothering skills, your opinions… in short, what does he seem to like about you? Anything?
Let me use myself as an example: I have been in a very rocky relationship with a recovering alcoholic for the past 5.5 years. He was the partner who was not interested in sex, for a variety of reasons. Anyway, he could be very abrasive and even mean sometimes, distant, punitive, short on cuddles and comfort. I read in the “Book of Jewish Values” that the most important quality to look for in a spouse is kindness. I would not call this man kind. He’s not malicious, but is not one of the warm people.
So. I’m currently taking this computer illustration class at the local community college. (I’ve written some about it in my thread that’s now locked.) The teacher of this class is KIND. Through and through. I listen to him critique students’ work, and he so is positive. It absolutely blows my mind. It’s been so long since I’ve been around someone who is just plain kind and considerate. This morning he critiqued my work and he was so positive, I just didn’t know how to take it. He was even taken aback by my lack of responsiveness to his compliments. (He is also critical of the stuff that’s less than good—he’s not just a flatterer.) After the class, when I was driving away, I realized that I didn’t know how to react when someone was just NICE to me. Someone who looked at my (in this case) homework and JUST PLAIN LIKED IT. I’ve been living in such a negative atmosphere for so long, where I’ve had to argue, defend myself, explain myself, hide my hurt feelings—and yet not lash back or that would just start a nuclear war. Being around a normal, nice, kind, courteous, considerate person who is not out to hurt me—very unfamiliar.
LightSeeker, is it possible that the way you are feeling is a perfectly healthy, normal response to years of abuse? Instead of assuming that you’re “broken,” what if you make the assumption that you’re totally sane, healthy, mentally and emotionally competent, and that you’re just reaching the end of your rope after being criticized, verbally abused, and made to feel damaged? Do you have many contacts outside your home—work, friends, family, church, exercise group, garden club, book club? Is there anyone in your life to tell you that you’re good at things, you know stuff, you’re smart, and you’re valuable? Is the majority of feedback that you get from your H who is verbally abusive (if it’s more than .001% of the time, it’s too much!) and dissatisfied with your sexual “performance”? I maintain that you’re far from broken, you’re trying to save yourself!
