Confusion of a WAW (Thread 6)

[JennyF]

Hey Brit,
I'm sorry things are so upside down.
I find it amazing how reality and the WAS's perception are so incredibly different. There are so many contradictions in your W's behaviours that it is impossible to know what she really wants! I'm sure she has no clue either.
Just_me is right...damned if you do, damned if you don't. It really does go to show you that the problem is in her and not you.
She wants you to do everything for her to fix her life, but without any committment herself. Cake-eating at it's best.
She probably thought that when you moved back in things would feel better...and when they didn't, again instead of looking within herself...she blames you.

So glad she's going to therapy. My heart goes out to her Brit, she's obviously in a pretty bad place.
As far as whether to help her out or not to, though call. I think you should help her by exploring other solutions besides you giving her the money. Kind of a compromise.
Hang in there, you're doing the very best you can!
J~

I'm sorry things are so upside down.
I find it amazing how reality and the WAS's perception are so incredibly different. There are so many contradictions in your W's behaviours that it is impossible to know what she really wants! I'm sure she has no clue either.
Just_me is right...damned if you do, damned if you don't. It really does go to show you that the problem is in her and not you.
She wants you to do everything for her to fix her life, but without any committment herself. Cake-eating at it's best.
She probably thought that when you moved back in things would feel better...and when they didn't, again instead of looking within herself...she blames you.

I think she comes to me because she can't do it herself - At all. She's probably so overwhelmed and confused that she can't figure her way through the maze that is her life right now. Last time she was like this, it escalated pretty quickly, and she did nothing to help herself - I'd like to try to avoid a repeat of that if possible (last time it cost me two days of work and $2k to clean up the mess).

I know that if I push her away, or tell her to have OM take care of it, it'll turn into a nasty encounter pretty quickly. At least her being receptive to me helping, even if I don't fix the problem, is an improvement.

So glad she's going to therapy. My heart goes out to her Brit, she's obviously in a pretty bad place.
As far as whether to help her out or not to, though call. I think you should help her by exploring other solutions besides you giving her the money. Kind of a compromise.

We'll see what happens with the therapy thing - Maybe she'll get something out of it; maybe not. She'll probably lie to them about a lot of what has happened to avoid looking like a bad person, or whatever.

I'm not going to give her the money to solve her problem. I'm not in a position where I can sacrifice my own financial security to help her - If we were together, it wouldn't even cross my mind not to just make it go away, but I can't set myself back a couple of months to make her feel better and continue on just like we have been. It makes no sense at all.

[Wooglint]

Brit,

I think you have to stick to your position. If it were me I would have a really hard time not jumping in to "fix it", but I'm sure I'd only make it worse.

I get the sense your wife is in a similar place. I think she's upset that you don't seem still crushed by this, as though that speaks about how much she meant to you (which would help the old self-esteem), but if you flat at told her that you'd be with her in a heartbeat, she'd backpedal pretty fast and remind you that it's over. It's all part of not reading too much into what they have to say, and not believing everything they say at face value.

Yeah, I did get the whole "you never cared about me" remark last night - I still have no idea why she came to me with a problem. It's as if she doesn't want to be with me, but deep down she knows I'm pretty much the only person on the planet who will even listen to her about her problems, much less actually help her with them. She is still terrified to let her guard down with me, which I guess is understandable, but it is really doing nothing to help her.

That being said, I think you should probably say, "I'm sorry I didn't help you through this. If you want to work through it I'm here." But I really think she probably wants more than words and advice from you. She probably would prefer cash. Nothing like giving you a mini-bomb to help grease the wheels. You'll have to decide for yourself how you feel about that, but she should understand that divorced people don't bail each other out financially. Would she give you the money for a big credit card bill if you were the one that was fiscally irresponsible? Why does she need an attorney? Doesn't she actually owe that money to the credit people? Maybe she should look into those companies that help with credit problems to work out cheaper payments and lower interest rates rather than trying to fight a debt she owes.

Would she give me the money for something if I had a problem - Maybe, maybe not. If she did, she'd be sure to remind me how I was using her and all of that... She has been pretty good at offering her help, although she doesn't really have much of substance to put on the table. She has never really been strong at offering practical help to people, so I'm not sure if that is really in her nature.

She's got herself a pretty cosy hole right now - Yes, she owes the money, but since they're suing her for it after it was charged off, she's pretty restricted as to what she can do.

I think we might go out to dinner tonight so I can try to talk to her about what is going on - She obviously needs a lot of help with things and maybe she just needs me to step up for a while and help her figure it out.

I think you have to stick to your position. If it were me I would have a really hard time not jumping in to "fix it", but I'm sure I'd only make it worse.

Well, I did a few things for her that hopefully will help, but won't put me in a position where I just hand it all to her on a plate.

1) I called a couple of therapists today - Waiting on call backs, since they had to check insurance coverage, but hopefully I can get her an appt in the next week or so.

2) I talked to a friend of mine who is a partner in a local law firm - I'll probably arrange for W to meet with an associate over there to figure out what she needs to do. She can probably get the initial consult for free or cheap.

I told W what I had done today, and she seemed to appreciate it - She freaked out at first about me calling the lawyer, since she said she couldn't afford it, but she seemed okay after I told her we could do it cheaply.

W didn't eat lunch today, so we went out to dinner together with D tonight. She shoveled down almost a whole pizza, plus pie & ice cream for desert. She looked like she was ready just to collapse on the floor in exhaustion. I felt so bad for her tonight - She is completely worn down.

[JennyF]

OK Brit...this is funny!

W didn't eat lunch today, so we went out to dinner together with D tonight. She shoveled down almost a whole pizza, plus pie & ice cream for desert. She looked like she was ready just to collapse on the floor in exhaustion. I felt so bad for her tonight - She is completely worn down.

The first time I read this I thought you said that your D ate a whole pizza + pie + ice cream! I thought no wonder she almost collapsed! She's 2!!!
Then I reread it and now it makes more sense!
Just thought I'd share that.

Good for you for doing those things for your W, I hope she appreciates it. Now maybe back off and see if she'll follow through. It will be interesting to see how much further she will try to push your 'help'.
J~

The first time I read this I thought you said that your D ate a whole pizza + pie + ice cream! I thought no wonder she almost collapsed! She's 2!!!
Then I reread it and now it makes more sense!
Just thought I'd share that.

Actually, D ate a load of food too - Half a 1/4lb hamburger, ice cream, french fries and a whole load of popcorn. She was SO bloated tonight

Good for you for doing those things for your W, I hope she appreciates it. Now maybe back off and see if she'll follow through. It will be interesting to see how much further she will try to push your 'help'.

I think W is really afraid to face up to her problems - Financial & emotional. I think it's going to be tough for her to deal with it all, but she really doesn't have a choice anymore.

Well, I got a call back from one of the therapists I called yesterday and W has an appt tonight at 6pm. I called W to find out if she wanted to go and I got "I guess if you think I need to go, I'll go". Tuesday morning and even last night she was okay with the idea - Today she's all pissed off because I brought it up. Oh well. She said she's going tonight, so I guess we'll see how it goes...

Forgot this - Last night W was talking about going to the YMCA and signing up for a pass or something. I suggested she gets one for D too, then they can both go swimming or whatever. W then asks if we should get a family pass if I wanted to do stuff there too. wtf?

[Just_Me]

W then asks if we should get a family pass if I wanted to do stuff there too. wtf?

The WAW doesn't think like a normal person. Her rationale is that for the moment you are married and a family so a family pass should be fine. Besides, that way you'll probably pay for it.

[smith18]

I went the opposite with the YMCA - I took W off our family pass and now save $20 a month. Currently, I am the only one using the YMCA, but I plan to be taking the kids there on my nights with them so I can get a workout and then after that I will go swimming with them. They have 1 hour free child care at the YMCA and there are fun things for the kids to do.