Well, here I am with having to start a new thread after locking my last one.
It seemed things were going along pretty smoothly for us, even though there were little things, like I found a receipt for three pieces of jewelry my H bought, one for my birthday, one for Christmas, and one for ?????? I don't know if he got that for me for Valentin'e Day, and just put it away for that, or if it's for someone else...
And just the other day, I saw him drive up the road home, and then I heard him go and open MY car door. I knew he was taking our son to practice after awhile, and wondered what he was doing in my car, so when he came in, I greeted him, and then asked was he just in my car, and he said yes, why? I said I heard the car door open. He pulled out his key chain ( and his hands were shaking badly), and said he was looking for his keys, and had taken one part of them off and thought he had left them in my car. I instinctively knew that was NOT true. Our son heard this exchange, and went out without his father knowing it, and looked in the car, where H had put his jacket. He came in and told me that H had a cell phone that was totally different from the one I KNOW he has, it was the secret cell phone that he LIED and said he had given to ow, because ow needed a phone and he didn't want to pay a $200 disconnect fee.
I sat down at the table with H and we talked about this and that, and I brought up R talk, and asked him different questions about us and the way things are supposed to be going with us now. I told him that sometimes I wondered if he was telling the truth about whether ow really did go back to her H. And I asked him when was the last time he spoke to her. He said he would have to sit down and look at the calendar. I said I was just wondering alot of things, like was he possibly telling me one thing to shut me up, and pretending with me all along about things, so he could continue with his deception, and me none the wiser, until the day when as he told ow he would, he just up and walked out on me, when our son is 18. He wanted to know what brought this all on, and I said just some feelings I had. We talked awhile, and he vented some about the past, and I told him I was committed to te changes I have made.
When he took our son to practice, our son asked his father if he had found his cell phone. Bold of the boy, and he said H was visibly shaken, and said what do you mean. Son said something about his cell phone, the one WE know he has, and H said oh.
This morning, after spending most of yesterday in bed crying and in a blue funk, reading for guidance, I rolled over and put my arm around H and asked if we could renew our vows someday. He said yeah, and I said where would we do it, and he said the backyard, I said who would come? He said I don't know, I don't have any friends. I said yes you do. He does. Then we were talking about us and He started saying how he was looking back on his life, and it just wasn't where he thought it should be at this age, and how he thought he would have had money to send S to college, and how financially he wasn't where he had wanted to be. He said that life was crap, and then he looks around and sees the people you love dying and getting old, and used my stepfather as an example, he used to be a strong man, a cop, like H, and now he is mostly in bed from a stroke. I told him that God has a purpose in his life, he said yeah, so He will magically make all his troubles disappear, and I said no, but He will help, and that He is waiting for my H. I will tell you that that is the first time I have ever said anything like that to my H. I have decided to let him know that God loves him and doesn't want him to die in sin. I was nervous about saying it, but I really felt God leadng me to say it. My H asked well what about after you were saved? I thought you would change, and I said well now I have finally decided to let God be in charge of me, instead of me being in charge. I think I gave H something to ponder. I told him that everybody has seen the change in me, our families, the people at church, etc... He agreed. on this point. Then he got up to get ready for work, and that was that. I will do my best to show him I really mean what I said this morning.
I am having problems with the secret cell phone, and the possibility of buying ow gifts, and the other day I did tell him one of the things I was wondering was if he ever bought me flowers or a piece of jewelry and then bought her one, too, at the same time. I think tis is putting him on notice that if he is hiding anything like that, I am not stupid, and though suspecting isn't knowing, it's still suspecting, and there is a reason for it.
Dang, what a long post, but thanks if you plowed through it!!!
