I'm keeping track of where your story is headed. It's so interesting how there's this pattern of them reconnecting during D process or after D has happened. My cousin's W D'd him a few years ago - he was the same age as me at the time (early 30's) with a young child as well. 2 or 3 years after the D, they are now back together.
How wonderful !!!!!! God bless them and may God be with you too ! xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
But I'm surprised how quickly I am recovering this time. I feel like a nut. Maybe MLC insanity is contagious.
I feel the same way too. One minute I am hanging in there and the next I am ready say I am done. I feel like I am unable to make a decision just like my H. But thankfully we aren't where they are...and we won't ever have to live with the guilt that they will have to live with.
I am glad to hear you are feeling better. Just go back to a day at a time. If you make it another 6 months, great...if you don't, that is good too. You have stood far longer than most in this kind of situation. Be proud of yourself.
SH, you are a strong person. I am glad you are recovering quickly this time. You are detaching. It may feel scary that you are feeling more detached. I know sometimes I feel scared, "Why am I feeling detached already? Does that mean I don't love him anymore? Do I want to be like this?" I cannot give you advise on this as I know I don't detach enough. But some here have done a great job in detaching. I know you can do it, one day at a time.
Thanks Cinders, UD, OC and peace. I do think I am detaching from the situation better. Although I haven't yet mastered detaching from H and where he is in all of this. To use S5's gaming term, I think I've 'leveled up'. I still want my M to work out in the end. But now it's more like: It would be nice if that were to happen. I'm not actively pursuing it. I know it's in everyone's best interest for us to work through this, but there is nothing I can do until there's an offer from the other side wanting to do the same. I guess it's like waiting for your dream house to go up for sale. You can let the owner know a million times that you want to buy it, but until he wants to sell, there's nothing you can do to get that house. So do you sit outside the gate and wait or do you go and build your own dream house?
Been having major insomnia lately, despite being completely exhausted. All the lies H has told keep running through my head. Now that he knows I know the truth about most of them, it's no wonder why he can't look at himself in the mirror. It'll be a long long time before my H ever wakes up. I don't know why I even bother with giving it another 6 months because it just won't be enough. For me, I guess.
In a complete coincidence (or whatever you may believe), I came across the philosophical term 'akrasia' - the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will. If I filed now, I'd be acting akratically. If I know that D is not in my best interest, why would I file for D? I've never heard the word before and am fascinated by it now. For any other geeks out there, google it. On the other hand, I honestly believe in MY situation, that the only chance I ever have of reconciling is by filing for D and moving. Just have to keep taking it one day at a time.
S5 has been a complete angel lately. I wasn't feeling well (caught whatever S2 has) and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, he had showered himself and S2 and even put S2's diaper and pyjamas on! In the morning, he woke up first and got S2's milk for him and got their breakfast ready. That's more than his father has ever done! (But to tell you the truth, I was completely mortified at first, thinking I had become one of those totally dysfunctional moms who forces their children to parent themselves!) He wanted to show me something on Wii - it was my Mii surrounded by S5's and S2's Miis on either side. He said 'Look - you're the queen and we're your protectors'. Don't think I've ever been called a queen before. Nothing beats hearing that from your child.
I think if you file, the reason would be because you are ready to move on with your life, that you are not going to spend any more time waiting for him but to concentrate on your future, by yourself, with your kids. If you are doing it to poke at him, that may work, but you have to be prepared that it won't.
BTW, your kids are great!!! Mine are only recently taking care of themselves better and helping me with housework. And that's not without me asking.
SH you seem clearer and stronger with every post I trust your need to sstand a bit longer a good older friend of mine always says If there is a question left to answer..your not done I have my doubts still that it is too early in mine sitch to file and I feel exactly the same I alsmost want to do it to see what happens up the ante but its not the right reason as OC said we knbow that what is impressive is, were allowing our lives to be guided by the truth and not instant grsatification
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
OC: You're totally right. I will give it some more time, but I feel like I'm only doing it to somewhat follow the MLC timeline at this point. I feel more prepared for it, although I still get waves of compassion for H and want to stand by him through it all. However, I do find myself defending him less and less lately. I love him, but he has messed up and IS messed up. And that is not my problem.
peace: Thank you for that. If only I felt as strong and thought as clearly as you think I sound! I still feel like a huge part of me is broken. That my innocence maybe was robbed. I know I'll never get that back and I wonder if that feeling of being broken inside will ever go away. I think at the surface it will, but the scar will always be there.
I needed that reminder about being guided by truth and not instant gratification.
The whole age thing is starting to get to me. I was 32 when H left. I'll be 34 in a few months. I read in a study that a woman's chances of finding a partner after D decreases with each year, while a man's chances stay the same. This year marks 13 years since H and I (would) have been together and 7 years of M (5 good). I still have the possibility of spending decades with someone else. A whole new life with my life with H behind me. Of course I'd rather it be with H. But I don't want to spend a few more years alone with no guarantees of his return. I'm starting to feel as if I'm wasting my good years on him. (And obviously, there are no guarantees that a life with someone else will turn out to be great either.)
Is it better to cut my losses now?? I'm interested in knowing what those of who have been married for 10, 15, 20+ years would say had this happened to you early on. Or do age and length of M make no difference at all?
SH I dont know I do believe many people remarry and find new partners at any age I think the decision has to come from my heart and gut when Im totally ready to let go I dont know b/c i havent been thriugh this before when Is it time to give Up? we have to go within we will know and we have to trust that that has to be the guide and not our fears of being alone fear will not attract the good we want to create fear will create more fear and attract the same as what we just left I know Im not done trying grieving accepting its totally over as im also not willing to wait forever a few more months wont hurt i will grow more become a better and more focused parent make connections with community attract more available friends work on my career take care of me practice friendship toward H unconditional love to a man who walked out on his family preety huge step for a simple Middle aged gal like me
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I hear what you're saying about not being guided by fear but by truth. That's a really powerful statement. I hope that I can continue to live by that.
This feeling of detachment that I'm experiencing after seeing H with ogre is troubling, but in a good way, I suppose. I feel as if I'm being pulled to the other side - being forced to look at things without the MLC goggles on. My years with H were happy ones. He loved me the best that he could. At times, I did wish for more from him and thought that with time (and training perhaps) he would be able to love me 'better'. Being detached is making me think that I can now find someone who is able to give me more, to see me for who I am and appreciate all I have to offer. And that that someone could give more to my boys - be a better role model, a better teacher, a better playmate. (I see joy and sadness at the same time in my S5's eyes when his friends' dads are around and playing with them. H has never been that playful.)
There's a picture I have of H from Christmas with him holding the boys. It seems so unnatural the way he's carrying them - like he doesn't fit into the role as their father. The picture actually makes me feel uncomfortable. It also reminds me of a time when they were younger, when H tried to carry both of them at once and nearly dropped them. My H is a tall, strong, athletic guy. To see him falter like that was a shock. I guess he's not a natural father the way some people are. It's strange - one on one, he's better with them. With both of them, he looks overburdened - which is exactly how I think he felt.
Seems that all the bad memories are coming up again - the same way the MLCers can only remember the bad. I wonder if I would ever say no to a reconciliation with H because of my kids. But whereas before, I envisioned a stronger better M, I'm starting to imagine me questioning myself for not taking the chance to break away now for a second chance.
I already sense that this is one of those rambling posts I will later regret ever posting (for not being very pro-DB - I've had several lately), but here it is. The random, troubled words of a confused LBS.
