I don't think your H is out of the tunnel. Your reasoning is that he is fully aware of what he did, and the damage that it caused. My ex-H was saying that a year ago, but he was deep in the tunnel. It was a lucid moment, but the ground was still moving out from under him and he still had no control over his own actions. I think your H is to that point too, he sees the damage but everything keeps moving, he is unable to stop it, so he continues to just drift along. Just because they can see what they are doing, or have done, and admit it is/was wrong, doesn't mean the crisis is over.
A year ago my ex-H told me that our marriage couldn't be fixed, he didn't want to, and didn't think that it could be. He talked about not being with any woman for a while, he wanted to just "fix" himself. He said he wasn't getting a divorce to be with the OW, but to be on his own for a while. To an outsider, he seemed like he really had it together, and had left the tunnel behind. Two weeks later he was with the OW again. One week later he dumped her again. One month later he was with her for 24 hours. My ex-H ended up cycling through all the stages again, at least a couple of times. I'm not sure if he would have eventually come out of it after "revisiting" all the stages again, but when the OW ended up pregnant, he was sent into a whole new tailspin. He is currently stuck in the anger stage.
Two weeks after our divorce he started replay again and he became self-righteous about everything he had done, telling me it was all very simple, he decided our marriage was over, fell in love, then got a divorce. If only the last two years had been as simple as he made them out to be. Point being a year ago he was sorry about what he had done, and said that the OW didn't really mean that much to him, now it is all my fault he is not with her. Your H is where mine was a year ago, he has a long way to go and will probably change his story many times before he is done.
I think there are people like my ex-H and maybe your H, that never fully leave the tunnel. They are too changed by it, and can't remember who they were to begin with. They are more afraid of the light, than of the dark. I'm sorry Hope, but I don't think your H will be out of the tunnel for a very long time.
I know divorce is the last thing you want, but maybe it is time. Maybe the divorce will even be good for him, maybe it will allow him to see you in a new light, and he will be able to separate what was, with what is. I won't lie to you, it hurts like hell to sign those papers, but everyday it gets a little easier. You won't be able to fully heal until you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let it drop, and know that you will get through this, and you will love again.
