Last night I was going to do some journaling and I grabbed a notebook I had used in the past. It wasn't the 'regular' journal but one I hadn't used in a while. It had an entry on the last page that was from 9/3/2006, about 4 months after we were 'back together'.
Quote:
What am I doing here? I really blew it as far as having and doing the things I want to do. I was ok till this (I drank that night after 11 months). If it had been another sitch it may have been better but that bast*rd (OM) got in the F*king way.
I want to go back in time to when I was 30 and just BE. I had my weekend escape from life but I've just dealt with her baggage too long and I needed it. Mine too.
My head hurts. It never stops.
A few weeks later I posted this to the board:
Quote:
On the board we all talk a lot about how to 'get through' the 'mess' but we don't talk a lot about what happens AFTER the mess is healing. It's almost as hard as DB'ing was.
We're both a lot different now. And still a lot the same. There is still the 'when frank is up and strong, W is up and strong, and when frank is down and beat, W get's scared and feels unsafe.' The difference is that I will tell her she's being that way, and she will recognize that she is asking me to always be 'Superman' for her.
I did tell her. And as I slowly declined emotionally she did nothing except either tell me she 'supported me' or complain that I needed to 'get help'.
Looking back at the past tells me that I didn't fix anything. I just helped her through her insane crisis, got us into a place where we SHOULD have been able to heal ourselves, but ended up still carrying her issues while also carrying mine. Then adding the issues of bad business situations on top of that.
No wonder I crashed. I didn't take care of myself.
I think I have analyzed the process that got me here enough now. W is a bad match for me unless I am 100% in my power. She's a bad match for anybody who has any serious down time. She would be better suited to be with someone who has a regular job, no real pressures in life and none of the history we have with deep problems. Probably like her mom, who married a guy who has a regular job and is working his way to retirement. Normal, uneventful, no stress.
Me on the other hand, I'll always be living a little on the edge and now that I understand how to stop myself from having those extreme down turns in my life I have a better chance of remaking my life into what I want it to be.
Thing is, we could make it work together now because I see her true self, and I know mine. Whether or not she ever sees that is unknown.
Right now she is becoming more angry with me because she is not liking my detachment from her and the lack of interest in my tone of voice when we do talk. She's getting colder.
Today she's going to to hang out with her other friend who lives a ways away. This friend is the one who went to school to learn to be a 'spiritual counselor'. She told be 2 years ago that it was 'ok for W to leave on her path because it was a lesson for all of us, me and the kids, and part of all our life paths'. I told her that she was wrong because 'we' didn't decide that we wanted to be hurt, and have our family broken up. Ah, but we DID as part of our 'agreements' when we chose to be born. I stopped talking to her after that. At the time I told this to my counselor who is also a spiritual advisor and she said "someone who claims to be seeking their spiritual path through life doesn't hurt others while pursuing that quest".
She's also the one who made sure my W had condoms when she went to go see OM to 'find herself'.
As AmyC suggested, I'm going to pray that God will protect her from the influence of this persons misguided beliefs.
