Do not underestimate how difficult it is to go dark. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done or attempted.
So be prepared.
Aaarghh!
So, I go dark... and I'm being so good at being upbeat, 'getting a life' by going out a few times, refreshed portions of my wardrobe, kept it short and sweet when talking, etc... All the things you're supposed to do.
And then? The bomb drops that she is inviting her "friend" over to meet the kids tonight at a little birthday party she's throwing for herself. And she tells me that she's relieved that I'm moving "onward"... (That's her take on my recent 'upbeat-ness')
AAArrgghhhh!
Last edited by CrossedFingers; 01/30/0804:03 PM.
Eric "Fingers Crossed, and working hard!" Me-53 W-43 M-13 SD-16 D-10 S-8 Sep-07/07
So, in other words, you find out something and it ruins you. Sounds like me. Part of the reason why no spying is so helpful. It is better not to know. You need to concentrate on yourself, GAL, and don't worry what she is doing. You can do nothing to control her. You can only control yourself. And thus her actions are controlling you.
Originally Posted By: crossedfingers
And she tells me that she's relieved that I'm moving "onward"...
So, is she calling to throw this in your face or did you initiate and break darkness. Darkness for me gave me time and space to heal not to mention what it may or not do for my WAW.
Guys this is where I have not had complete faith in the going dark or acting as if idea. If you act as if you are moving on guess what, your spouse is going to think you are moving on. I'm of the opinion you can still show love, sit maintain a sense of connection AND allow space and distance. It's all in your attitude towards them.
Ultimately I think what I'm saying is you detach but LOVINGLY detach. In other words you do things to give space, let them feel comfortable, work on yourself and maintain at least a thread of a connection. For me this means being upbeat, positive and happy when we talk but also include some light chitchat. I usually ask about her day and share one or two things from mine. Not long conversations but simple sharing for a minute or so. Guess what, over time she started to make some inquiries about my day not as a friend or acquittance would but like a loving spouse does.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
catfan, I read a post by a moderator who calls it going 'dim'. It's difficult for people in my sitch to initiate some chitchat when it is unclear if the WA would engage in phone conversations you describe. Specifically, in my case, I know she will bring up lawyer talk and such just after warping my mind with bits and pieces of hope. It's almost like if we talk to long she will revert to topics of doom. I guess what I am trying to do now is to find a way to get to this stage.
Also, at first going dark was to simply leave her alone and remove myself from her. But after awhile, I realize that, for me, it is more about detaching yourself from the situation while you GAL, your 180's, and in short get yourself in a better place. LOVINGLY detaching in my mind is then to use what little interaction you have to rebuild at first a friendship on their terms on their timetable.
Going 'dim' versus going 'dark' is working somewhat for me, I think.
What we have been doing is that we will have a flurry of emails or phone calls (yes, some initiated by me), keep everything light and don't get into too much deep discussion. Since I am the DB'ing one, I try to show myself in a positive light, lots of laughing, support and validation. It's not fake, I do wholeheartedly believe in what we are saying to each other, and I DO understand why she wants time living on her own. Anyway, then we will go a day or two with little or no contact. Then a flurry again. That just seems to be our dynamic.
So, as the book says...stand back and ask yourself how it's working.
Today on the phone we were talking about selling our powerboat and potentially buying a sailboat. Making boating more about the journey than the destination, "just like our life is right now" she said. Plus, she said "if we end up back together, I would enjoy sailing", but "if we don't, I think you'd like it too". Neutral comments like that are far better than "when we split up", right?
So far, so good, I think. Going dim is a good concept.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
If my WAW said "if we end up back together", then I'd make sure I kept doing what got her to say it. That is huge progress because it shows the door is at least open to that possibility.
Flurries make sense to me and I wouldn't think to much of it unless the 'dynamic' changes. Seems like your are walking your pursuing/space tight rope well.
