i agree too, he is facing what he has done and it is not pretty....this is where the hard prideful men get stuck..this takes a man to really understand about being humble and walking in humility...I see this as God hates pride and pride is one of mans great downfalls..I also agree he keeps going on this road it will be a lifetime of regret..he chooses reconcilation, he will find peace and restoration...but we all get to choose our paths.....It is so hard to not take on their struggles about what you could have done differnt ....but honestly what would you have done???? Keep healing and moving forward you are doing great..many people do not know about unconditional love
His crisis is no longer your crisis, whether he is fully baked or not. He may be out of the tunnel and just choosing to comit to a life of regret rather than healing. His choice I guess.
You seem ready to choose a life of living, and that is what you deserve. Maybe he learned he is weak and unable to embrace happiness when it is in his hands. If he lets go now, all he will have is empty palms. He seems to prefer that to facing his own mistakes, and his own demons. They will follow his every step until he does. I think that part of his crisis is not over. It may never end. He seems reconciled to that. Let go of what is not yours to mend.
You can neither help nor fix someone who does not want to be healed. And you can not live in the shadow of their disease when they don't want to be well.
The truth. When you find someone that deserves you and they make you happy, he thinks it will be the best news of his life. He believes it will lift the veil of guilt from over his head so he can be happy again. Wrong. He will only learn in time that he has not solved his internal wrongs, and all he managed to do was lose the most important thing in his life.
When you decide how you will go forward from here, remember that. It always was about him. He refuses to work on himself the way he must. He will always be unhappy until he does. He will not be able to make anyone else happy, or to partner in a healthy R.
You were meant to be happy, and that choice is yours.
The Piecing forum often demonstrates how hard the reconciling process can be. He knows it, fears it, and refuses to go there.
The Surviving forum is about Piecing also. It is about Piecing our life back together and healing the physical or emotional wounds we experienced. Reconciling with ourselves can be as hard as reconciling with another.
You don't have to hold a copy of a final decree in your hand to begin healing yourself. Set good priorities and stop looking back. If something happens causing you to need the paperwork, it should be easy enough at that time.
Let yourself start the forgiving at home where you need it the most, and then start having more fun than the law should allow!
H is adamant that his mistakes will get in the way. I think he's actually speaking more for himself than for me.
Hrnmm.
When my wife told me this I politely told her to go F herself. Because she was making assumptions about my ability to forgive her based on her inability to forgive people. That I was emotionally stronger than I ever imagined possible, and I was upset with her determining a future of failing based on her flaw perceptions of me. I told her that if our marriage ended, it was her choice but to never end it because she didn't think I could handle it.
His MLC isn't over.
A new strategy to push you away. Seems to be working. Is it?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I don't think your H is out of the tunnel. Your reasoning is that he is fully aware of what he did, and the damage that it caused. My ex-H was saying that a year ago, but he was deep in the tunnel. It was a lucid moment, but the ground was still moving out from under him and he still had no control over his own actions. I think your H is to that point too, he sees the damage but everything keeps moving, he is unable to stop it, so he continues to just drift along. Just because they can see what they are doing, or have done, and admit it is/was wrong, doesn't mean the crisis is over.
A year ago my ex-H told me that our marriage couldn't be fixed, he didn't want to, and didn't think that it could be. He talked about not being with any woman for a while, he wanted to just "fix" himself. He said he wasn't getting a divorce to be with the OW, but to be on his own for a while. To an outsider, he seemed like he really had it together, and had left the tunnel behind. Two weeks later he was with the OW again. One week later he dumped her again. One month later he was with her for 24 hours. My ex-H ended up cycling through all the stages again, at least a couple of times. I'm not sure if he would have eventually come out of it after "revisiting" all the stages again, but when the OW ended up pregnant, he was sent into a whole new tailspin. He is currently stuck in the anger stage.
Two weeks after our divorce he started replay again and he became self-righteous about everything he had done, telling me it was all very simple, he decided our marriage was over, fell in love, then got a divorce. If only the last two years had been as simple as he made them out to be. Point being a year ago he was sorry about what he had done, and said that the OW didn't really mean that much to him, now it is all my fault he is not with her. Your H is where mine was a year ago, he has a long way to go and will probably change his story many times before he is done.
I think there are people like my ex-H and maybe your H, that never fully leave the tunnel. They are too changed by it, and can't remember who they were to begin with. They are more afraid of the light, than of the dark. I'm sorry Hope, but I don't think your H will be out of the tunnel for a very long time.
I know divorce is the last thing you want, but maybe it is time. Maybe the divorce will even be good for him, maybe it will allow him to see you in a new light, and he will be able to separate what was, with what is. I won't lie to you, it hurts like hell to sign those papers, but everyday it gets a little easier. You won't be able to fully heal until you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let it drop, and know that you will get through this, and you will love again.
When my wife told me this I politely told her to go F herself. Because she was making assumptions about my ability to forgive her based on her inability to forgive people. That I was emotionally stronger than I ever imagined possible, and I was upset with her determining a future of failing based on her flaw perceptions of me. I told her that if our marriage ended, it was her choice but to never end it because she didn't think I could handle it.
Excellent. I tried saying something like that early on, but it didn't come out quite as awesome as what you said.