Ok so I have come to suspect that what I am missing in my life is the monkey. Without her I am not bringing the energy and the joy into my life and marriage that allows my H to bring himself out of hiding. I am not saying that I can get away without talking to him and I am not saying that some hard truths aren't important here. However, I'm sick of myself and my steadfastness in the face of H's inaction and I'm sick of my lack of experimentation in the face of his steadfastness. If, in fact, he "loves me" and "thinks I'm gorgeous" then there is no reason to keep the monkey caged is there??
I have been contemplating my resistance to "the Secret" that Dave brought up. I found it hokey and lacking in original thought. Why? Why am I so resistant to the power of positive thought and positive intention? Why do I think it has been "done to death"???
Then I found a website http://www.cherylrichardson.com that had "touch of grace link" - try it, you'll find it interesting. Anyway, I contemplated my "problem" (lack of sex life) and then clicked on a "star" which gave me this word to contemplate - "devotion". How devoted to my H and my marriage can I possibly be if I am on here b*tching up a storm day after day for the last couple of years? Granted, devotion is more about the cow than any of the other animals but perhaps it is devotion that gives the monkey permission to be michevious????
Anyway, I am contemplating discontinuing my anti-H, boo hoo, poor me diatribe. What is really left to say about our histories or day to day sexlessness anyway and instead journal about the following: my internal sexiness at a given time, H's reaction positive/negative or neutral, my external sexiness at a given time and H's reaction. It is time to experiment with him, with myself and with my R. If monkey antics and straightforward honesty cause him to run scared - oh well.
I just feel done crying in my beer and I still may go back on all of this, fall back into old ways, fail to talk with H, fail to be positive. Who knows but it is time to loosen my grip on what I think is me, what I think is H and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe the monkey will just dump the bag of chips and stomp all over them..............................
Lest you all think I'm crazy remember there is freedom when you have let go of the results.
Karen
Internal sexiness: 4 External sexiness: 4
H out of town so probably no reaction unless there is a phone call/email.
karen: I think it's great to feed your inner-monkey. If it were me, I'd focus less on my spouse's reactions, but I see how that's pretty unavoidable.
If it means anything, my touch of grace was also "devotion." This, of course, aroused my skepticism, so I had to start over and pick different stars. I'm convinced now that you would have chosen your hokiness journey no matter which star you clicked. None of them say "dump him/her".
I did it a second time and got "relax". It isn't about the star but it is about being myself. I am planning to monitor H's reactions in a different way than usual - just as a scientific inquiry instead of monitoring him in that "oh my, don't let me mess up" kind of way. After all - if I am manifesting a "2" internally and/or externally why should I expect a "10" from him???
Nice site Karen! I got "relax" which is exactly what I need to do right now.
I am the LD one. We've had all kinds of troubles in our 5 year R. I recently read High-Conflict Relationship and we're working through the exercises. It starts off talking about how this is a partnership and there has to be give and take and working together.
I often get caught up in the negative. The postive is more important. There are many things I love about my H despite the pressure I feel about our bad sex life.
Go back and click on all of the stars. I think they all have some good thoughts behind them but does any one mean a particular thing for any one individual. I don't think so.
Some people at church build their beliefs on a bible theme. I am not inclined to think any one thing is more important than another idea and think it is a disservice to link things from random parts of a book to prove a point.
It is time to experiment with him, with myself and with my R. If monkey antics and straightforward honesty cause him to run scared - oh well. I like that idea!
Lest you all think I'm crazy remember there is freedom when you have let go of the results. That is so true. I think HD, Lil, and others have let go. LFL let the chips fall and look at what happened with her M.
Internal sexiness: 4 External sexiness: 4 Where/what did you do to come up with that score?
Good plan, karen. After all, the pi$$y attitude hurts YOU more than him (since he doesn't seem to notice).
The thing that kicked me off was when Journey said, "drop the rope." I took that to mean NOT bailing, but stop looking for results Out There. And then the ankle thing caused me to keep an eye on myself very closely. I think your journaling idea is good, but you might want to "devote" 90% of it to how you are feeling, etc. and only 10% of it to his responses. The answer and the happiness you seek can't be found outside of you.
You're in a rough spot. I believe your H most closely resembles my bf in his attitudes/behavior than any other guy that gets discussed here. I think only good can come from a new approach.
The thing about the stars, bible verses or any other philosophicla pieces of wisdom is that they all apply to everyone and no one. The cheryl richardson thing has some stuff that will help some people.
The scores are based on my own impressions of myself. It is a point in time score only. It is subject to change at any time.
Yes Dom. My husband loves God and the church. He rebels against the church but not against God as he understands him. Does that help.
I'm not trying to fix anyone BUT myself so H doesn't matter. He hasn't mattered for a year. He chose that and I backed him up. Why start now? I need to participate in my R in a sexual way - FOR ME. His reaction??? Interesting but mostly immaterial. We may still not have sex. It isn't about intercourse. It is about being me.
90% of it to how you are feeling, etc. and only 10% of it to his responses. The answer and the happiness you seek can't be found outside of you. 