OK, I am in total shock!! :blink: H emailed and said that he is picking up DD today after school and taking her out to dinner and then home!! This is first time someone has not told him to do it! Someone pick me up off the floor!!
I didn't reply.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I am so glad he took the first step in contacting you about this and also that he has chosen to take your D out!!
I think the more time they spend together, he may come around a little more. He is still not sure what to think or how to act around her since he has been away for awhile.
Baby steps............
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I didn't send him anything and I am not sure what is right. I am spinning and not exactly sure why. The C's were pressuring me to meet with him and discuss child care issues. I emailed and asked him on Dec. 24th and asked if he wanted to but got no response so I told him that a "no response" would mean to me that he never wanted to see me again. Thus, I am remaining mute. I found out yesterday DD is taking Hoopia diet pills and my 1099-G went to H. H gave it to DD who left it on the table. It was opened. :angry2: I spoke with DD who said she only takes the diet pills when she wants to suppress her appetite <sigh> and I got the state tax to change the address back to mine. In my spinning though I found H's home phone number. Previously, I have had only his work and cell. Anyone want to call???
It must be that time of the month. I want to call his friend and ask about him but it wouldn't be right. I want someone to ???? all the tender stuff - care about me ??? I am tired of handling everything while he gets off "easy" - the "hey, I'll take DD out once a month so I can be considered a good father".
ACCKKKKK!!!
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
Not much has happened but daily life's up and downs. DD did well on her first road test but failed because she didn't "head turn" enough. It will be easy to correct but really threw her for a depression. I had mentioned to her C that I have been worried about her exercise and eating. She did testing last week and I will find out the results today. H picked her up last Sunday and took her to lunch and a movie. That's all I know. I did find a picture of him and a girl from New Year's Day on the internet. Didn't affect me as much as I thought.
DD wouldn't wake up today for school. I am taking the day off because someone at work didn't want to work Saturday and so I traded with her but got a sub so I could have 3 days off. Yippee. Now I can play catch up. I have been overstressed lately....my dad keeps wanting to visit his house (I have had to turn him down 2x's this week. He just says when are you coming to ??? (bring me tapes, etc.) and then when I come says "I am ready to leave". I finally have decoded his talk so when he called yesterday to ask when I am coming - I asked point blank why. He said to visit his house and I said for only one hour (medicad says only 4 hours a week away from nursing home - he went Sunday for 3). He said that wasn't enough time so forget it. I hurts not to do as he wants but takes 4 hours out of my day and I usually don't have that, plus the legality of it), trying to get the medicad papers done for the nursing home, the legal attorney papers for dad (trust, power of attorney, etc), fix the kitchen sink and the lawn mower/electrical/etc problems, take care of my dad's house and my house, plus whatever DD needs and work full time. So, when DD wouldn't wake up, I declared a day of recuperation for both of us. She can sleep as long as she needs.
OK, enough about me! I go to this zen tarot card site (http://www.osho.com). The cards are beautiful and the thoughts are worth mediating on for me. Today's is so perfect for a lot of us that I want to share it.
This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: "We come alone into this world, we go alone." All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship.... That's why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man because she is beautiful, he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other. And there are people who don't fall in love with women or men--then they fall in love with money. They start moving into money or into a power trip, they become politicians. That too is avoiding your aloneness. If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised--all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.
Commentary: Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and "at one" with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter--nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I just got back from vacation. DD's luck continued, bad unfortunately, but there was highs and lows. We went to Cancun because DD wanted to swim with the dolphins. She loved it. I had to buy the DVD of it. It was so great seeing her "flying" during the foot push. I'll let you know when I get a picture up. We also went snorkeling in the underground river at Xcerat and Senor Frogs at Playa Del Carma, where she was dragged onto the dance floor by the waiters.
The down side was she lost her camera. We got to the hotel and our luggage had been opened and DD's camera was gone. Everything was wet and the only place it rained coming in was Mexico. DD had turned vegan and we got into a little fit when it seemed like she was going to refuse to eat but I shut my trap and she did manage to put some food into herself everyday. I also got dragged to the dance floor the 2nd time at Senor Frog's and came back to see a huge drink in front of DD. I might be a bad mom but I didn't argue and she must have felt bad the next day because she went off to sit awhile the next day at Chichen Itza. She also told me that she needed to have some space and that was impossible in a one bedroom, one bath with 5 people - 4 of them being women. All in all it was a good trip.
Tonight DD zips off to Princeton for rowing camp by herself. I know she is nervous about being alone and excited. Please pray the best, safe trip for her.
H has been introducing DD to GF and her 3 little kids. The youngest is 18 months. I found texts of DD saying she hopes they get married because she would then have brothers and sisters and how wonderful GF was. It is hard not to say anything because it is sooooo a fantasy. H was seeing GF when dragged into C with DD and at that time said he liked being a loner and wanted to be alone. He also didn't want anymore kids so now he's saddling himself with 3! and one only 18 months. GEEZE. I hope the best for him as I see him being 60 in ten years with a teenager. LOL - and he didn't even stick around for his own daughters teen years. That is if he divorces me and marries her and he doesn't seem to be doing that either.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
If that baby is 18 months old, is ow divorced? Just curious. To think of these men with little babies at their age.....hmmmm....I thought they didn't want responsibility while in MLC.
I'm sorry, Bookpusher, that this is happening. But I am glad you had a good time in Cancun. Too bad the luggage was opened and the camera was missing.
I wish you had some pics of you being dragged onto the dance floor. I bet you had fun!!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I guess it has been awhile. Hi Steeler! I have no idea about the OW. The OW has been texting DD. I was doing some research and came across an article on the affect of affairs. It opened my eyes a little and I emailed H about it. It was interesting that he responded, in anger, right away (not that I didn't expect that...actually I expected nothing but a response was good). Here's our emails:
From me to him: I was just told this and verified it. It scares me knowing that DD is being exposed to your affair. I do not want to see her grow up and experience the pain again. I am sure you want DD growing up as healthy as she can and it isn't good for her to see that having the affair is ok. I respect these values too. There are other articles, if you need them. Please, for DD's sake, do not expose her to it anymore.
Parental affairs can also become the training ground for a child's adult behavior. ''Even though they may swear they will never do the same,'' Dr. Lawson noted, ''it appears to become a patterned response learned in childhood.'' A Family Tradition In instances where a father boasts about his relationships to a teen-age son - as many do, her sampling showed - she found philandering taking on the overtones of a family tradition. By contrast, the researchers reported, a girl who is aware of her father's behavior seems to grow up angry at men and unsure of her relationships with them. The children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to ''deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem,'' Dr. Pittman said.
His response:
It is not an affair. And DD is handling it just fine. Don't try to tell me what to do.
Me:
I will express my concerns for DD. You can do what you want but when it impacts DD, I WILL give you my opinion. She isn't handling it as fine as you think. That is why she has thoughts of suicide and Janet wanted her on anti-depressants.
Him:
Funny the C didn't tell me that.
Me:
Better check with her again. She is the one who arranged the anti-depressants for DD's depression.
Him:
Whatever. I'm done with this for the day.
Me:
Well, thank you for at least giving me your opinion. I am sure you care about DD as much as I do.
Him:
I do
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
BookPusher, Hey there, Havent seen your name pop up in a while, so I had to read up.
I am proud of the way you are standing up for your D.
It almost sounds like your H is being defensive about the Affair, trying to hide it or make it out to be less than it is. Its almost like they think in their minds that if they met this OW after they left you or only started hanging with the OW after their exit, then its not an affair or a type of abandonment. But sadly, it still is, they are still M'd to the LBS but put no effort into the R.
It sounds as though your H is definetely in his crisis deep. He seems so mean and childish in his e-mails. These are the same traits that I saw from my H a year ago - Thankfully he seems to have grown out of it now.
I think its best for you to continue doing as you do. Let him be the one to make first contacts. Dont let him put you or your D in any positions you dont want to be in.
I dont know how you have gotten this far along, and not filed for a D yourself yet. I hope you dont mind me saying that, but it just has to be so hard on you to not even have seen your H in over two years, and the amount of time at first that he wouldnt even respond or talk to you at all in the beginning. It blows me away how rude and mean your H seems to have been through out this. Make sure you are taking care of yourself.
Remember, that by sending articles on A's , MLC's, depression, ect... it will only make them more angry. I know you only did it for the sake of your D. But maybe it should be the C who says these things to him otherwise, you may end up making him run farther away from you or getting less amicable.
Please take care, I think I remember that you were a teacher (and so am I), so I hope you are enjoying your summer vacation time.
Thanks for stopping by Tipper! Actually, I am a Librarian but Teachers and Librarians aren't too far apart! You are right, H is still deep into his crisis. It is sad. He still doesn't talk to me and can barely email. When he does it is only about picking up DD. The C has dropped our joint sessions (DD and me for one and then H and DD for the other). I think she sees that H is still uncooperative. She has said she will do a co-parenting meeting, if I want it. I am not sure what I want.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
