Okay Dom - you tell me who gets the short stick? My terminally ill sister? Or perhaps my 80 year old mother suffering from alzheimers? Both are on their own. Then there is my toddler, who I see a couple hours a day during the weekend and schlepp around on the weekend to visit her sick aunt and grandmother. Don't forget about my full time stressful job, which pays 3x my husband's job so he doens't want me to quit. Please throw in that my H is gone 12-14 hours a day during the week because of his job. On the weekend, he's busy flying or hunting or golfing. You think there is time to have sex 4 times a week? Who should I toss out the window?
LS, that sounds completely overwhelming and I've just read your last post, so I probably don't even know the entire situation.
I tend to be rather annoyingly like a man, in that I like to start throwing solutions around. I couldn't help but wonder if there was a way to make things easier for yourself by moving your sister and/or mother somehow. Closer to you? Into some kind of care situation - maybe they could share a room? Move them into an apartment and hire nursing care? I know that would be expensive but there may be a way to swing it.
Can you start by taking some time off, to give yourself a break from some of the stress and a chance to consider ways to make the situation better?
Time for sex you could probably find (how long does it take, really? ) - I can't imagine that you'd have the energy.
Hi Ingrid - I'm a solution seeker myself, which is why I came here. Despite my H's periodic verbal abuse (trust me, if it were constant I would be gone), he's a good person and I want our M to last.
Our place is too small to move anyone in with us. My sister has months, at most. My mother is resistant at this point to a care facility, and as long as she is taking relatively good care of herself with the help of some caretakers who drop in every other day, I feel she would become worse if we move her from her familiar surroundings.
By 8pm, my energy is gone, and my H's isn't far behind since he's usually up at 4:30. Yet, our lack of sex is all my fault. Of course. It would be wonderful if it were an outlet for me for all of my stress - instead it is just one more pressure.
Still, I muddle on in search for of my elusive libido.
It's amazing that you're dealing with all this and are still up and moving - sounds like a terribly sad time for you. I hope you are able to enjoy some moments of joy with your little one.
How is your sister? Could she move in with your mother? Probably asking too much of her at this point.
We used to frequently have sex first thing in the morning, without getting out of bed. Frankly, for me for a long time the advantage of this time of day was that my H could be very quick, so it didn't take a lot of my time. That sounds a more bitter than I really am - I can quite enjoy the closeness without being focused on my own needs. It got to the point that I was hardly ever a consideration, though, one of the reasons for the building resentment I felt at the time.
Perhaps you could wake up a little earlier than when your H usually gets up and see what happens.
My DD helps me to smile everyday. She is so precious. And my H and I still laugh together sometimes.
The sex thing is so hard because I'm at the point where I get tense just thinking about it. Either I'm not enthusiastic enough, or not good enough or this or that. I think I've finally impressed on H that he is doing us both a disservice with these comments. Our recent chats have been about communicating better and sharing more. I'm hoping the anger managemnet classes will help with his frustration and anger, and I'm hoping that my journaling, diet and exercise will help with my stress and libido. I swear to god I've tried everything else.
I know you didn't ask me, but I have it straight from the horse's mouth - my H would like to have sex twice a day. At this point, he probably couldn't manage two orgasms a day, but he still wants the rest of the package that frequently.
I'm good with every second or third day, so that's quite a big gap for us.
How 'bout we look at this from a slightly different angle:
The answer is: you've already made that choice, and made it clearly. Of all the people in your life, your h is the least important.
ouch.
now, I'm sure from your description of his appalling behavior, the feeling is mutual. And understandably so. (I'm not trying to just "dump" on ya...so please don't misunderstand me). I'm just sayin'...each player in this game has to try to see "the other side", or they'll just remain polarized.
anyway...your post says (and previous posts, too) that giving your H what he wants would be a horrible, disgusting, arduous task to add to your already full plate. But that would only be true if you only treat the symptom of "lackanookie", rather than the disease, which is your relationship. When you're actually "cured", the answer to your question (who should I toss out the window?) will be "nobody". It'll be something that you actually want; it'll be your reward at the end of the day for all that other stuff you do...not just "one more thing" on your list. If it feels like "work", yer doin' it wrong!
Of course, that's jumping ahead to the end of the game. no fair skipping steps! do not pass "go", do not collect $200.
again, just so you don't think I'm being an angry, bitter, resentful hd who's taking his frustration out on you...I don't think "its all your fault", and I don't think you're a bad person, and I do understand, your H is being/has been a dickhead, and thats not very attractive, and if HE wants you to be attracted to him, he has to be more attractive, etc, etc, etc.
If your really having sex every other day with him, then I think that he can be a little more reasonable and go with that schedule. For me, I could take it twice a day, and my wife would be ok with never. This means it happens about 4-6 times a year. If we can ever get it back to 3 times a week, with desire as well, I would be happy.
Hi cac4 - well, I like your spouse so I'm going to cut you some slack.
I have not - at least intentionally - put my H last. I feel that he does not meet me half way. Or I should say wasn't meeting me halfway. This year, we are going to make more of an effort to communicate and keep out the garbage.
Having said that, he seems to think if he's "good" for a few days, I should be panting for sex. His threats to leave started with our enagement. His calls to old girlfriends (no affairs) started when I was pregnant.
He claims a good sex life will solve all of his negative behaviors. I disagree. So, I had to reach a point where I had to decide if I could accept the good person he is 90-95% of the time with the occasional blowups. Depending on what is happening in the rest of my life, sometimes I can let things roll off of me. Yet, if I see it impacting our daughter. I'm done. This was the gauntlet I threw down a few months ago.
Now, back to the sex thing. Maybe it is just too late. I have to admit I am feeling rather discouraged after coming here. I don't think HDM can appreciate how low the faulty libido makes someone feel. I feel broken. Doctors haven't fixed me. Meds haven't fixed me. My stressors aren't going away. But...I love my H...which is why I want to improve through mind over matter. Will it be enough? I don't know. But I'm discouraged because I have this sense that HDM - and this is a generalization - do not have the patience.
Okay, I'm just babbling now because I'm frustrated and distressed. I think I'm done posting for the day.
) - I can't imagine that you'd have the energy.
