I think, my dear, you are angry with yourself for continuing to live in a way you don't like and you are taking it out on H.
You are the one choosing to live in vagueness and limbo. You are the one who is sleeping with a man who you do not treat like your husband in word or action.
Own up to your choices and quit blaming H for their consequences. If you don't like the way you are living, change it or accept it as a cost of trying to get whatever benefits you see from it.
I'm not really sure, though, how living in an M that doesn't seem to be working for either of you with no communication/progress is going to lead to an M that either of you wants to stay in...
