What I am looking for is for my wife to take some initiative in solving our marital problems.
To be clear, I think this intent is great and have thought that throughout this thread. My questions are and have been - does your wife understand this?
This is a good question. I have not spelled out any kind of expectation at this point as to how much initiative I think she needs to take. It's kind of a vague marital boundary issue that we need to negotiate somehow. I'm hoping that this is something that a marriage counselor can help us negotiate. I would not call it an expectation on my part. Considering that in the past my wife showed no initiative and substantial resistance, I am encouraged by our current state, in which my wife is showing small initiative and improved receptiveness.
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Some of your wording comes across at times as setting your wife up to fail.
I'm not all hung up on success or failure of individual tasks. There are things that we both need to do that are quite difficult emotionally. I expect failure, from time to time, on both our parts. What I have been doing, and what I hope she can do, is to acknowledge failure and commit to trying again anyway. Considering she apologized for snapping at me about the marriage counselor is part of what I'm looking for. If she still has a hard time with it, we will need to have an open, non-judgmental discussion about how to get to the point where she can do it or whether I need to take it over.
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I also believe that communicating with her clearly and honestly, without any hidden meanings or agendas and without covert contracts is the best way to go. If you feel confident that is what you have done, that is great.
I reiterate: she suggested marriage counseling. I put together a list of candidates. She picked a first choice, and I accepted it. I asked her to make the first contact. She agreed. There is no hidden agenda.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
