I had an interesting night last night. We had all gone out to dinner, the whole family, and on the way home, I turned on the music and was kind of dancing to it in the car, just being silly. H started dancing too. He was making jokes, too & sharing about his day with me. It was the first time he really acted just like he was before the affair; it was probably even before then so it's been many months ago really. It was so cool!
I went off and did my own thing when we went home, but later last night, H took a break from working on his porch, and was watching TV, and I went in there for a break too. I told him you don't have to leave I'm just going to be here for a few minutes and then go to bed. I sat down next to him and he didn't move, which he normally would have done in the past, was surprised he didn't jump up and move to the other couch. We sat and had a great time again, talking and laughing, but I did leave after 10 minutes and went to bed (didn't want to push it).
H did not go see the OW this am like he usually does Sun. am, but did go to church with us. The question of the morning they always ask one, was What one thing do you want and not have? I said I have everything; there's nothing I want. And H said Serenity." And I said how do you get that? and he said "I don't know" and he just looked so miserable right then. (I am guessing having an affair with a married woman with kids is not the way to do that but I of course didn't say that???)
But later that day he made sure to mention about our future apart, so he still is planning on divorce...but today has been relatively good. I took the kids shopping and H just left to run the dog, and he says he will be home in time for dinner which if true doesn't leave enough time for him to see the OW today which would be the first time in a long time that he has gone a day without seeing her (but I'm not holding my breath or anything!)
Does anyone have any comments on these strange events? Am I suddenly DB'ing correctly or something? And if so what do you think I am doing right and should keep doing? What do you think is happening? Is DB just starting to work in my case and I shouldn't get excited? Any insights in what's going on? (I've had mostly negative stuff going on lately you know so I don't know how to handle this positive stuff!) Am I doing the right things or anything I should be doing? Any advice appreciated! Karen43
It could be that they've had a falling out, or at least a "let's cool it for awhile." But even if they haven't, in my opinion, YOU ARE DOING GREAT, so just KEEP IT UP! The not wanting to push it, and getting up after 10 minutes was PERFECT, as is your not-being-too-available and your general positive attitude.
Make no mistake -- I DO believe in DBing, even if I believe in putting an aggressive let's-bust-the-affair on the front end of it. The GAL stuff, "no needy-grabby" -- all that stuff is spot-on. Some of us just like to prime the pump a little more aggressively at the beginning.
You are now at the first half mile mark of of a 26 mile marathon.
Pace yourself.
--Theoden
Thanks for putting everything in perspective! H did come home last night and didn't see the OW all day yesterday! He is home today sick with a cold. I encouraged him to sleep in our old bed we used to share (now just mine) as he sleeps upstairs in an old twin bed with no mattress just a pad and it's cold upstairs and it would be so much more comfortable. H said he was thinking about it, but he chickened out and is sleeping upstairs. I'm sure he thought it would give me the wrong message if he did that!!!
Should I be careful not to baby him much with the cold and keep careful to DB today? Just do my own thing and leave him alone to nurse his cold by himself? Or should I be friendly tonight and nurse him a little? What is your best advice? Karen43
You are now at the first half mile mark of of a 26 mile marathon.
Pace yourself.
--Theoden
Thanks for putting everything in perspective! H did come home last night and didn't see the OW all day yesterday! He is home today sick with a cold. I encouraged him to sleep in our old bed we used to share (now just mine) as he sleeps upstairs in an old twin bed with no mattress just a pad and it's cold upstairs and it would be so much more comfortable. H said he was thinking about it, but he chickened out and is sleeping upstairs. I'm sure he thought it would give me the wrong message if he did that!!!
Should I be careful not to baby him much with the cold and keep careful to DB today? Just do my own thing and leave him alone to nurse his cold by himself? Or should I be friendly tonight and nurse him a little? What is your best advice? Karen43
Karen, I would not baby him. He needs to see what it will be like taking care of himself. I would not be rude to him, but treat him like you would a co-worker. (One that you are not very good friends with, LOL) Just show him a little courtesy.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yoyo, I babied him just a tiny bit last night, I did give him his medicine, but I probably would do that for any coworker, too. H was pretty sick and set up camp on the couch in the living room and watched TV all night. I just went off and cleaned and practiced for our audition next week for the play. I did watch the 2nd half of a Star Wars movie with H and D8, and sat and watched that for about an hour at the end of the night. It was my only hour break of the day, so maybe I was breaking some DB rules, but I was pretty tired by then and needed a break!
H took his 2nd day in a row off from the OW, but he was so sick, so I don't really take that as much of a sign or anything. I am now also thinking maybe she is probably sick herself, so that could be the reason why they aren't seeing each other for the past few days. I'm enjoying the break, but figuring he'll be back in the addiction any minute now. But trying to be positive about this, maybe he will realize with the short break of sanity he will think, hmmm, this was kind of nice, and maybe I had a little of that serenity I'm looking for, although I don't know if addicts have much rational thought, but still maybe if this kind of thing happens once or twice, or he talks to his counselor enough or whatever he will start thinking the affair is not the wonderful relationship that maybe he thought it would be. I don't know how rational thought returns to the addicted, but hopefully a short break of rational thought must be a good thing I am thinking even if it doesn't last long. Karen43
Well, I DB'd like crazy yesterday. The best thing I did yesterday was get a haircut. It had been a few months, and ever since I've been married I've been getting cheap budget $10 cuts with the kids, which I didn't do when I was single. Yesterday I spent $35 and got a great cut, lots of layers around my face, looks great. H when he saw it just had a big smile on his face. I asked why and he wouldn't say (guessing maybe he thinks I did it for him?).Then was dancing again to music in the car being silly again and he was laughing like crazy said I am so funny he had to laugh.
Low point of the day was when H and I were talking early that morning and I said guess what song I've decided to sing for the audition next week, and I could tell by his face he didn't want to know, so I said you don't want to know? And he agreed. So I just ended the conversation then. He doesn't want to know anything personal about my life, because "he's moved on" although of course we are still married (and have been for over 18 years), and that is irritating to me when it would take 30 seconds for him to listen and act interested. But I did stay calm, and just went on to do something else. If he was just a friend, as a friend, you wouldn't be that rude to a friend I don't think, so I think he's just being a jerk really.
He had 3 days in a row of not seeing the OW now, she's gotta be sick and doesn't want to see him (oh, yeah, that's a real relationship) or something is going on but it's been great, but she still is texting him. We had another great day together, I went off and did my own thing after dinner, but then we played Wii golf together for an hour or so, the whole family, again laughing, having fun, H and I smiling at each other.
Then I made the mistake of being in the room for 5 minutes when the OW texted H(she always texts him at 9:30 every night). He was reading it in front of me. I don't know if he wanted to make me angry or let me know we are still getting divorced after we have a good time, (which he has told me are the reasons he has done that before), but I just smiled and said goodnight instead of getting angry like I usually do (is that doing a 180?). I think I have too much Prozac in my system now or just don't care to get my buttons pushed or whatever, so I just went to bed.
The thing I realized that depresses me a bit is that I can be the best looking person, funny, smart, etc, and he can still go off with the OW in 6 or 7 months, but I am trying to be positive about this, because things have been going well this week. I am also trying to prepare myself for the inevitable day, like maybe tonight or tomorrow when he starts going off again with the OW, and starts texting her incessantly again, if they've just had a fight or something, and they make up or whatever. But I'm also trying to be positive, because hopefully in the last 3 days we've had together maybe I've been able to make some dents or cracks or something in his beliefs that the OW is the only option for him. I know I go all over the place thinking about this stuff!!! Karen43
Oh, something that is funny to me with H trying to maintain no interest in my personal life (even though it's ridiculous because we're married and have kids together, etc), is that when we were in the car last night, H's sister called me (I am closer to her than he is) and we were chatting and laughing and after I hung up, I said want to hear a weird story about your dad's wife that happened when she was just on vacation with your brother and his fiance and your dad? And H is like no that's fine don't need to hear it, trying to maintain our separate lives, although he was dying to hear the story, and like one minute later he cracked and he's like yeah, just tell me all about it!!!! He was dying to know!!! So I did tell him...(When is he going to wake up and realize this is all so ridiculous????) Karen43
