Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

I need to get wrapped up in work, so I don't think so much.

I posted a few minues ago about something small. Then, I called my W and told her, partly, how I felt. At this point in our sitch, I think it's better to open up and talk about most things (not everything). It's the small things that build up.

My W is an introvert, she is often described as cold, aloof and standoffish. (I'm an introvert too, but seldom described like that). She doesn't need or want much human contact in any form. My main love language is physical, followed by words of affirmation. I didn't get a lot of either from her, IMO.

I'm not really complaining (much). My point is that there are many different people out there. If I would have ended up with a more outwardly affectionate person, life may have gone much differently (different problems anyway). Same for my W. I do think we are a good match for each other though.

But since she is the one that wants to be left alone most of the time (the one who say's no to interaction and contact) she is the one who decides how the relationship will be. The person who can veto something is the one with the power. Sex definately comes under this category.

I tried to turn this power structure around at one point in our M, and I became the one to say no. Almost like cutting off your nose to spite your face. I withdrew. I don't want to do that again.

ah, writing that I see that this train of thought has a large control issue to it. Although I don't believe that's it entirely. If I were with someone more compatable in this area, the issue wouldn't come up.

I feel she is in control. I don't like that. I feel I have needs that weren't, and maybe won't be, met (love language stuff, interactions, relating). I feel angry, resentful (a real killer) and trapped. I think I'm better off alone, and I've enjoyed the separation.

But, I know I want to be with her and make this R work. The trick becomes, as I see it, how do I not feel resentful, meet my needs in healthy ways, and be happy. I think remebering I like to be alone is good. If she is in her own world and doesn't want to come out to play with me, I can 1) find others to play with (remembering my wedding vows)2) remember I like being alone and entertain myself 3) tell her what I want and negotiate it (she could say "i don't feel like being with you now, but how about tomorrow afternoon we sit down together for coffee and a talk?)

since I'm lucky enough to have C on my insurance for a low co-pay of $20, I think I'll see the C again and discuss some of these topics. Having a C available is just one of the many ways I'm lucky. I wish I could share my luck with y'all.

Another thought, about sex. Asking for sex is a killer. It's awful. It should never be done. But if I act in an atractive way, if she feels safe and attractive herself, then she will come to me. When she decided in OCT to be with me, she was extremely affectionate (it almost scared me, for various reasons). Maybe I was doing something right back then. Maybe GALing, detaching, and being selfish in a way - thinking about myself and what I wanted - was attractive. Maybe I need to get back to that feeling and act that way again. It's another one of those d@amn contridictions, If I don't want her, she'll come to me. If I persue her, she'll run.

I guess the DB lessons always aply.

I'll go back and read the book, maybe look at some 180s.

Do these issues seem familiar to anyone else?